The 6 month check-up

On December 17th Alexa had her 6 month check up. We had the doctor that I don't really like and she rushed us through the whole appointment. We have a very healthy baby girl. She weighed in at 16.03 lbs and was 27.25 inches long. So tall and skinny. I told the doctor that she was now eating 26 oz of formula a day and 1.5 jars of baby food and 2 tablespoons of rice cereal. She was happy with that. She asked if we had started introducing a sippy cup to her and I said yes. Poor baby got three needles one of which included the flu shot. We're hoping to avoid any crazy sicknesses this winter.

Santa Clause is Coming to Town!

Alexa's reindeer hat. I bought it on Etsy. Too cute to pass up!

Ho Ho Ho! This picture was taken after we went Christmas carolling at Manor Care nursing home.

She's doing her part in the cookie testing. Yep they're done! And she cried when I took it away.

She slept through our entire trip to Arasapha Farms. Next year she'll be walking. *Tear*

But the big kids had fun!

She also did her part in decorating the x-mas tree.

The traditions have begun! In fact they're almost over. We've got 8 days until Christmas if you count today. We've been busy making memories this year as always. Daddy has been working crazy hours at the tree lot and I've been home with the kids by myself. It's been a long 3 weeks but I'm surviving. I thought adding a baby to the mix this year was going to make this super duper crazy but it's been okay. We've even managed to do the majority of our usual traditions. Let's see. We made our countdown to Christmas trees. Usually we do them on December 1st but this year we ran a day behind and did them on December 2nd. The kids have steadily been enjoying their hershey kisses every morning after breakfast and before brushing their teeth. We went and picked out our tree. I think we picked one of the windiest days in December to do it but we did it. I bundled all three kids up in hats and gloves and even put Alexa in her "baby bubble" (the plastic cover for the stroller). Daddy helped us pick it out and didn't even put up a fight when I wanted a Douglas instead of a Frasier. he said the douglas' looked nice this year. That's coming from a Christmas tree professional. We had Christmas pictures taken at JcPenny's this year. We did them in two sittings. The first time we did the group picture of all 3 kids and then the older two had their individual pictures done. Success! The next day my Mom and I brought Alexa for her individual shots. She did pretty good aside from the spit up I caught in my hand. Yuck! It just so happens that the day before the pictures I had gotten her to sit up alone for a few minutes at a time if she had a toy or something to focus on. We used this to our advantage and tried to get a few shots of her sitting up. My favorite shot of all was the one of her laying down on her tummy looking at "Twas the Night before Christmas". Priceless! The weather here has been brutally cold and windy lately. So I'm surprised we've ventured out as much as we have. We made a trip to Rosetree park to check out their light display. Which might I say wasn't all that spectacular. That same night we took a ride up to Arasapha Farms to visit Santa. His workshop was adorable as usual. We didn't take the hayride like we usually do because Alexa had fallen asleep and to be quite honest because nobody could afford to pay for it. We've baked cookies, sat on Santa's lap, and did some shopping. And through it all I've managed to get Alexa on a pretty good schedule. Her schedule now goes something like this: Wake up at 7:40. Take the big kids to school. Breakfast consists of 2 tablespoons of rice cereal and 1/2 a jar of Gerber Stage 2 fruit. Then a 5 oz bottle which by the way she can hold by herself. Then we play for a bit and she goes down for a nap at 10:00. I take my shower, try to straighten up, and even get a little computer time. She's up usually around noon and I get her dressed and we head out the door to run errands. She takes another bottle, 7 oz, at 1:00. We pick up the big kids from school at 3:20 and usually head home. She has another 7 oz bottle at 5:00 and then we try for another nap. Her afternoon naps are a bit tricky. Sometimes she goes down without a fight and other times she cries and cries. By 7:00 I like to feed her 1 jar of Gerber Stage 2 veggies and then she gets a 7 oz bottle before bed at 8:30. She usually sleeps through the night with making one little stirring for a binky. Now that she's a bit more predictable life seems to have calmed down a bit. It's only taken us 6 months!

Gobble! Gobble!

You guessed it! It's turkey day! As we speak Tom the turkey is in the oven being cooked. The apple pie sits in the cake dish just waiting to be scarfed down. I'm about half done with the dinner preparations. So far so good. Abby and Nathan are dressed in their Christmas outfits from last year (a tradition I've had since they were babies) and Alexa is getting a few zzzz's so she's not so cranky later today. This is her very first Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to feeding her her first big people food today. I'm thinking it might be sweet potatoes. Yum! In other news about the munchkin...she's rolling over full time now. I think it was one or two days after her 5 month birthday that I kept noticing she was on her belly when I went in to calm her in her crib at night. The next day I laid her on the wide open floor and sure enough she was rolling. I was super excited! It seems like every time I start to worry about her not hitting a milestone then that's when she does it. Go Alexa! I'm loving every minute of being with her and my beautiful family.

Happy 5 month birthday Alexa!

I think I better do this right now while I have 5 minutes to spare. I've finally gotten all three kids in bed and asleep and it's 9:28pm. Yikes! A late dinner throws off everything. Today we celebrated Alexa's five month birthday. Nothing special except our usual onesie pics and a few extra cuddles. But here goes a few things about Alexa at five months old:

~~ still using Mam binkies and recently we bought a pack of the 6m+ ones
~~she cries when anyone other then Mommy, Daddy, Abby, or Nathan holds her unless there's
lots of commotion going on like at a party or family function
~~she soaks the floor when she takes a bath because she splashes so much
~~she cried when I tried to give her a bath in the big tub and I haven't tried since
~~she finally fits into shoes; she would probably fit size ones but they'd be too snug very soon so
I bought 2 pairs of size 2's
~~she placed 32nd place in American babies picture of the week contest
~~has rolled over twice from back to belly and once from belly to back but hasn't done either
since
~~she giggles at everything- silly faces, silly sounds, people laughing, sudden sounds
~~she turns and digs her face into any soft fabric when she's trying to fall asleep. Sometimes
it's my shirt, sometimes her blankie, or sometimes it's just her arm.
~~she's already on the 2nd height adjustment notch on the exersaucer
~~she still can't reach the ground on the lowest jumperoo height adjustment
~~she's eating 7oz's every 4 hours
~~she goes to bed at 8:30pm and is up at 3am almost like clockwork. She eats a bottle and
goes back to bed until 7:30am with a few stirrings for a dropped binky.
~~she is wearing size 2 diapers
~~she is now back on soy formula
~~she no longer has diarrhea with every poopie diaper
~~she's using VentAire bottles and drinks best with the slow flow nipples
~~still spits up with almost every feeding
~~has tried carrots, applesauce, green beans, peas, bananas, pears, and squash
~~will also eat rice and oatmeal cereal
~~ her hair is growing in nicely and I think it's going to be blonde
~~her eyes are still blue
~~she can fit rather nicely into size 12 months t-shirts
~~she has outgrown the gerber size 3-6 month white onesies but still fits Carter's 6 month
onesies
~~she kicks off every sock and slipper I try to put on her feet unless she's wearing shoes on
top of them
~~sucks on her fingers ALL the time!
~~she's not happy if she's laying down and even tries to do a sit up just so she can be upright
~~started eating in her high chair
~~has started screaming when she cries
~~pulls hair
~~plays with anything in your hand- cell phone, cup, remote
~~recently packed away her soothing motions glider, travel swing, and the bassinet portion
of her pack and play
~~she can hold rattles with her fingers now
~~ has outgrown size 3-6 month one piece outfits and her 3-6 month pants are getting short
~~is no longer swaddled
~~likes for me to sing the good morning song to her (she's always loved this though)

The days just seem to get away from me

Well the countdown to Christmas tree time is here. This weekend coming up is Burt's last weekend with the family. I can't say I'll miss him as I think we need some time apart. We're at each others throats. I'm trying my hardest to get the house organized before he's gone for that month. I'd like to get the basement organized and all the totes labeled. I really need to catch up on laundry and stay caught up. And start getting my pictures (developed and undevelopes) taken care of. I was saying the other day that I'd really like to get back to scrapbooking. I miss having that creative outlet although I barely have time for my hairbow business. I'm still spreading my business everywhere I go. Today at Pathmark the cashier complimented Alexa's flower and headband. I of course told her I make them and gave her the name of my facebook page. I figure even if I'm not selling things everyday I can still put my name in the streets. I've been baby-sitting Chase a lot lately. I love the money but hate the extra work. Somedays I feel like I'm just being torn in all directions. Is this what it would be like to have four kids? I'm not sure I'm ready to sign up for that deal yet!
In other kidlet news...Abby is doing great. She came home from school the other day telling me "Mom, Ms. Seitz really likes me. She calls me Abby Cakes." She's the teacher's pet as usual and I'm proud. She loves school and I hope that stays with her. She's doing great in Girl Scouts. She had her introduction to Brownies ceremony last week. She got her very first Brownie pin. And she just looks so cute in her brown sash. Nathan is having a hard time at school with this little girl names Kylie. She's picking on him and I don't know why. He really is the sweetest kid you could ever meet. And perhaps that's why she's picking on him. She's mistakening his niceness for weakness. How dare she! Boy scouts is going well too. This past Saturday morning he and I walked door to door in Aldan handing out the can food drive bags. I enjoyed my time with him one on one. Alexa is growing by the day. We went out this weekend and bought her a new high chair and a new toy. I put it together on Sunday morning and she had her first meal in it Sunday night (pears). I've sat her in it a few times while I was doing kitchen work and she just plays and plays. Mommy likes it! Today is mine and Burt's 8 year anniversary. Woo-hoo! Sometimes I wonder how long I'll stick around but for today it's been 8 years!!! Tomorrow Alexa will be 5 months old. She's getting cuter by the day and I don't think I could love her more then I already do. Her smiles melt my heart. Everyday I look at her I'm reminded of one great thing about Burt. We make adorable babies together. Oh yea and he's a wonderful father to Alexa. The other two...well...he needs some work.

Baby's 1st halloween has come and gone

So here first major holiday has come and gone. I didn't feel the least bit sad about it until I came here to post. Perhaps it's because I still entertain the idea of having another baby but what if she is my last? She has grown so much and so quickly in these past 4.5 months. I feel like it's been a lifetime.

Halloween night was fantastic! We had our traditional english muffin pizza dinner. I dressed the kids and put on their make-up. As usual we were running a bit late so everything was very rush rush. I attempted to take a few cute pictures of Alexa and then of all three kids together outside and then we were off. Every year we go trick or treating with my friend Linda in Ridley Park. There are always a lot of houses giving out candy and there a very few steps. That makes this one happy momma as that is very stroller friendly! The kids were excited even though I know they were a bit chilly. Alexa snoozed for much of the way. But when she wasn't snoozing she was in mommy's arms looking all cute and cuddly.

Let's see...in other Alexa news...She has been trying to sit up while she's in her bouncy seat. She hasn't quite made it to a fully sitting position but boy is she trying. Yesterday's tripped to Babies R Us gave us a tray for the bumbo seat and another pack of bottles. We are now using Playtex VentAire Bottles. They seem to be doing the trick for now. We have been through just about every brand of bottles out there which seems ironic to me as when I was pregnant I would always say I don't know why people have to buy so many different bottles. The baby can't make you use a certain kind of bottle. Man oh man was I wrong! We started off trying Gerber Nuk bottles. Alexa didn't seem to know how to use them and it would take like a half hour to eat one ounce. Then we moved onto the Playtex Bag bottles which seemed to work well until she was put in the NICU. There she used the good old fashioned brown rubber nipple and did well. I refused to continue using those though. The NICU nurses suggested we try Dr. Browns bottles as they were supposed to work well for reflux and gas. We splurged on them and used them for a couple of months. Although a pain in the but to clean they really seemed to be helping. That is until I noticed she was throwing up at every feeding. I tried many different things and in the end switched bottle brands again and that seemed to work. Even though I know we were cleaning them the best that we could I still think there are too many ways and places for bacteria to build up in them. Again we went back to the Gerber Nuk bottles. This time she seemed to like them. Until I noticed that after drinking from them she would grunt and grunt and grunt. I started to think they were causing her too much gas and again we switched. And so here we are buying another 3 pack of VentAires. Fingers crossed we have found the match. We've even made the switch back to soy formula and she seems to be doing great. Way less spitting up, no more diarrhea and a much happier content baby. Thank you Good Start Soy!

Coughing coughing coughing

Ack! I'm so tired of hearing my baby coughing. Will she ever breathe without coughing?! I think she has another cold. It seems this time she has a runny nose too. We started her back on soy formula. So far so good. She seems a bit cranky but I'm wondering how much of that is from the cold and how much is from the formula switch. Tonight my mom stopped over for a visit. As soon as my mom crouched down and tried to talk to her in her exersaucer Alexa started bawling. One day she'll love mom mom, but for now, not so much! She's just a mommy and daddy's girl. Oh wait and an Abby and Nathan's girl. She'll go to any of us but no one else. Silly baby!

Baby's 1st pumpkin carving

Tonight we carved pumpkins. It was Alexa's first time. She didn't seem overly thrilled about it. I set her up in her carseat and she hung out and humored me for a few pictures. Abby and Nate went to town cleaning out their pumpkins which always turns into a gooey but fun mess! Daddy started cutting Alexa's pumpkin which is a pumpkin with two leg holes carved and a hat carved from the pumpkin stem. We sat her inside and her two little leggies poked out. She looked adorable. Had she not been exhausted she may have even given us a few smiles.

She rolled over!

I have to admit I've been a bit of a worry wart when it comes to what Alexa should and shouldn't be able to do by four months. I worried when she wasn't smiling at 6 weeks and then she smiled the day she was admitted to CHOP with pertusis. I worried she wasn't reaching for toys and then she reached. Well up until a few days ago i worried that she wasn't rolling over. I was playing with her on the floor and rolling her back and forth for quite a few days trying to "teach" her to roll over. She could get herself onto her side but wasn't even interested in trying to roll. Then on Friday the 15th we were over my mom's house. Alexa was laying on the floor on a big Flyers blanket. I saw her roll to her side so I kept watching. And then she arched her back and head. It was then that I realized she was going to do it. My big girl! I called for my mom to come quickly if she wanted to see Alexa roll for the first time. And ta-dah! She did it! She struggled for a minute to get her arm out from underneath her to support her chest as she laid on her tummy. But then she was happy as could be. I rolled her back over onto her back and she did it again. I think I worry so much because on my board there are always posts about which baby is doing what and I compare. I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to. Alexa was born in the middle of the month and so there are babies that are at least 2 weeks older then her on there. How do you compare a 4 month old to a 4.5 or 5 month old. You can't. They learn so much everyday that in two weeks she could be sitting up. Who knows! So lessen learned. No more comparing.

The birth story--before I forget!

Okay so she'll be four months old tomorrow and I'm just now getting around to her birth story. I'm sure I've forgotten quite a few of the details by now but in another four months I'll remember virtually nothing so here goes:

On June 14th around 11:00pm I started feeling a sharp pain right in the middle of my chest. U had just gotten done eating some sour cream and onion ritz chips so I thought maybe I had a mild case of heartburn. I had had what I thought was heartburn a few times during that pregnancy so what I was feeling was pretty similar. I laid on the couch and Burt laid on the floor. We were watching our regular Monday night TV shows. around midnight I was ready for bed so I headed upstairs. I checked the medicine cabinet for some Tums but found none. After laying in bed for about a half hour I decided I could no longer stand the pain so I got up and starting getting ready to go to Walgreens. I remember that Burt and I were not getting alone for some reason. Probably something stupid but I remember not wanting him to go to Walgreens for me and I headed out the door. The whole while my chest was really hurting but I didn't think it was anything other then heartburn. When I got home I took the recommended dose of Tums. And then ten minutes later I took another two or three. The Tums were doing nothing for my pain. Eventually I think I passed out just from being so tired. It wasn't long before I awoke again and was in even worse pain. By this time Burt was up in bed with me and he woke up to find me on my way downstairs. He followed me down and he knew something was wrong. He kept insisting that I call the midwives and ask them what I should do. I on the other hand could only think about how inconvenient for everyone that that would be. I knew we'd have to call Juan and Amanda over to stay with the kids. I knew that they would have to get them up and ready for school the next morning, and all for what? For me to sit in L&D only to be told I had bad heartburn and to be sent home with another pack of Tums?! No thank you! I just kept on insisting I was fine. I really didn't think it was anything serious. The pain subsided enough for me to make my way back up to bed and to fall asleep. I woke up to the sound of the alarm at seven something on the 15th. It was Tuesday the day of Nathan's Kindergarten Celebration. His entire school had been preparing for this and he was super excited. I was so proud of my big boy. I wobbled out of bed and into the bathroom. The pain was so bad that I was sick to my stomach. I finally just threw up and hoped I would feel better soon. I went about our normal morning routine. Breakfast, getting them dressed, brushing teeth. And we headed out the door. I dropped Nathan off to the bus and headed to Abby's school to wait for her door to open. While we waited I sat in pain. I finally decided I had had enough and called the midwife on call. I can't remember who called me back or who was handling my case all day but I want to say it was Lyndsay. After I described the pain by telling her I was having chest pain that sometimes radiated around to my shoulder blade and pain every time in inhaled and exhaled she insisted that I come up to the hospital to be checked out. I was taken back for a minute because I knew I needed to be there for Nathan today. I asked her if it would be possible to wait until 11:30am or so for Nathan's celebration to be over. She told me that she didn't feel comfortable with me waiting that long and that she wanted me to be seen as soon as possible. I cried as she told me this. It broke my heart to think I was missing such a big thing. I remember thinking to myself that this was the first thing I was missing for one of the kids as a result of having a third child. I was sad. I tried to explain to Abby why I was crying. I didn't want her worried about me all day long at school. She kissed me good-bye and like a big girl walked up to the door by herself. I called Burt to tell him what was going on. He had already left for work and I headed home. We planned for him to leave work early so he could go to see Nathan and I would head to the hospital. I left my house for the last time pregnant with Alexa. Once I got to the hospital I headed for the elevators. I was talking to Burt at the time and mentioned to him that I didn't really know where I was going. A woman on the elevator with me took one look at my belly and assumed I wanted to go to the 4th floor for labor and delivery. She happened to be a nurse on that floor and I followed her there. Once there they put me into a room to be monitored. The baby was doing great. My blood pressure on the other hand was a bit high. Nothing too alarming but high. The midwife ordered some blood work and I stayed on the monitors for awhile. The l.plan of action was then to send me down to the ER to have me checked for asthma. They thought the painful breathing might have been asthma. Another nurse walked with me to the ER. I sat and waited. As I was waiting I had Burt drop Nathan off with me because he had to go back to work. I still didn't think this was anything major and was just following doctor's orders. Nathan came and we hung out. He thought it was pretty neat. I made plans for my mom to come pick him up just in case they were going to keep me for further monitoring. By time she got there I was already in a room and on a bed. Nathan was showing me his papers from school and telling me about his day. Once my mom and Amanda came they entertained Nathan a bit and even took him to the cafeteria to get something to eat. Meanwhile they did an EKG of my heart to rule out any problems there. They brought me for a chest x-ray to rule out anything there. Then another doctor came in to explain what their last idea was. They thought it was possible that I might have developed a blood clot in my lungs. They needed to do some more testing. I was sent upstairs for some crazy test that needed me to be injected with some crazy dye. I remember laying inside of this big MRI type of machine feeling so uncomfortable. They had me laying on my back which made it virtually impossible to breathe. It seems endless. By time I came back from this test I was met by the midwife in my ER room. She starts by saying "God, you're hard to track down!". And proceeds to tell me that she needed to come talk to me in person. The blood work they had sent to the lab came back positive for HELLP syndrome. My understanding is that my liver was failing in some way and my platelet count was dropping quickly. Coupled with my high blood pressure they needed me to deliver and I was now considered high risk. I thought it was sweet that she felt she needed to tell me in person that they would have to transfer my care to the obgyn's. I was half excited to hear that they'd be inducing me but scared to death. Before she left I asked her to check to see how dilated I was. She did and said I was about 1cm dilated. I was satisfied with that as I thought as I was laying there in the ER I was feeling some contractions. A nurse came and wheeled me back up to L&D. By this time I had a hospital bracelet on from L&D and then and ER hospital bracelet too. All the nurses kept laughing and questioning all of my bracelets. Once back in my room I was again hooked up to the monitors and an IV was started. They had to give me magnesium to help regulate my blood pressure. The magnesium required them to measure my fluid intake and output. I had to have a catheter inserted. I had never had a catheter before. I was scared of the pain but overall it wasn't that bad. Just made me feel like I had to pee and then I peed. Weird! Soon Burt arrived and I had arranged for my mom to get Abby from school and to bring them to Amanda's. She was the designated baby-sitter for the birth. By this time I was definitely feeling regular contractions. Dr. Pearson came in and administered the cervidil. I tried to explain to her my past experience with cervidil and I let her know I'd be delivering sooner rather then later. All the nurses still insisted it would be quite some time. I knew better. The cervidil began to do it's job and by 7pm I was feeling some painful contractions. The nurse came in and asked me if I wanted pain meds through my IV. I'm no rookie and I took the meds when they were offered. What she gave me made me really sleepy. I slept in between contractions and was only slightly awake during the contractions. I remember talking to Burt about where he should order his food and then the next thing I remember was him sitting in the chair eating something. Whatever it was helped the time pass and kept the pain at bay. By 10:30 or so I knew I'd be needing the epidural soon. The contractions were very painful by that time but not completely unbearable. I knew by time the anesthesiologist got there that I'd really be dying for it. I insisted that the doctor check me. I was 3cm. She humored me and had the anesthesiologist called. By 11pm I would say he was there and preparing me. I had to sit up in the bed, Burt sitting int he chair in front of me. A nurse stood in front of my and instructed me on how to hunch my back over. Before I knew it I was feeling the cold cleaner on my back and a quick poke. Before I knew it it was over and I felt emotionally relieved. I knew I'd be okay. Pre-epidural I was so worried that I'd go too fast and not have enough time for the epidural. Post-epidural I could relax. I felt one or two more painful contractions and then my legs went numb. Crazy sensation but I didn't care. The pain was gone. I could smile. I could talk. I could laugh. I got the shakes for a bit and then dozed off. Burt must've been exhausted too because he passed out in the chair snoring and all. The nurses came in to check on my every so often and to shut the IV dispenser machine up! The stupid thing beeped every time I moved my arm the wrong way. Several times a woman came in to draw my blood. By 3:30am I was feeling some pressure. I knew the time was getting close but I also knew that since I wasn't in pain that I should let my body do most of the pushing. When I really knew it was time I told one of the nurses that I should be checked. I woke Burt up. We did a couple of practice pushed and then Dr. Pearson came in the room. She suited up. Lots of this is blurry now but I remember having a very hard time holding my breath to a count of ten. Remember the reason I came to the hospital earlier was because it was painful to breathe in and out. I compare the shortness of breath during delivery to someone that's been in the pool swimming all day. They have gotten water in their nose and choked on water a couple of times that day. It hurts to take a deep breath. That was me. It wasn't long before they said they could see her head. I gave it my all and pushed a few more times. All I remember was Dr. Pearson saying "Hi there buddy!" And I stopped dead in my tracks. I said, "It's a girl right?" and she said "Yes". I said "For a minute there I was scared because you called her buddy." She said "I call them all buddy." Alexa was taken to the warmer right away and given apgar scores of 8 & 9 I believe. I sent Burt over and instructed him to take a million pictures. I just admired her from the bed. There was one nurse there cleaning her all up. Dr. Pearson continued working down below. Apparently I was bleeding a lot and she was having a hard time controlling it at first. But no fear! She took good care of me and soon she was leaving the room. Nothing like the care I got from the midwives but definitely my best birth experience ever! I heart the epidural. The nurse soon had Alexa all bundled up and brought her to me. I couldn't get over her dark beaty eyes. She was wide awake. I sniffed her new baby smell. I was very tired. Because of the magnesium I was on I was told I wasn't allowed to be with the baby in the room by myself. Magnesium can make you very sleep and they worry about someone dropping the baby. I felt weird. I felt like a little kid being watched when they were holding a baby. Either way I had to follow the rules. Burt was itching to go smoke a cigarette and as much as I didn't want to give her up I had to let him take her to the nursery so he could leave to go smoke. Before he went he followed her into the nursery and watched them weigh her. He brought me back a card with her measurements on it. My baby girl was 6lbs 15oz and 19.5 inches long. Born at 4:17am. She was here and she was healthy. I soon passed out.

Keep the updating ball rolling

Nothing new or exciting has happened since I last wrote. I'm realizing though that some time down the line these "boring. everyday, blah" posts will be the ones that spark the happy feelings that I have everyday. I've been taking some of my free time to read other mommy blogs. Particularly other mommies from my june jitterbugs board. I love reading about what their JB is doing and checking out all their latest pictures. And sometimes I even take a few spare minutes and flip back a few pages in my blog to reminisce about the things of the past.

Today I had Alexa's 4 month pictures taken. I say that as if I've had 1 month, 2 month, or even 3 month photos taken, which is definitely not the case. I feel sort of terrible about having only had them taken at six weeks. And I feel even more terrible that they're still sitting in the JcPenny's envelope that they came in. I digress. The pictures were scheduled for 11:20am. I went out shopping all day yesterday looking for the perfect outfits. I even bought her first pair of shoes from Babies R Us. I spent at least two hours making bows to match her outfits and sewing fuchsia bows onto her Halloween costume. All of this done in vain. When I got to the portrait studio I had to wait for the woman in from of me to finish up her session. When her session finally ended the photographer came up to me trying to get some info about the kind of pictures I wanted taken. I told her I was trying to keep up with her milestone photos but was a month behind and that i also wanted to do some Halloween photos. I started to tell her I had a couple of outfits to change her into. Sh smirked and said she was only allowed three changes. Whatever! Alexa had other plans anyways as she only let me have enough happy time to take pictures in the one outfit and then she attempted to let us take pictures of her in her bear costume drinking her bottle. Boooo Alexa! What she did allow me to do plenty of times was change her poopy diaper. We all laughed at her as she'd squeeze her little arms tightly against her body and pull her legs together as she pushed. I changed her after I thought she was done the first time. But again she had other plans. Another interruption for another poopy diaper. I finally left there with one amazing close up shot and a few other really good ones. Not what I'd call a success but she.'s so stinkin adorable that I couldn't possibly call it a failure!

How nostalgic!

Yesterday, October 9th, we went to Linvilla Orchards. Last year on October 11th we went there to go apple picking. As we were apple picking I was praying that there was a little baby growing inside of me. I remember looking at every woman with a baby and being so overwhelmed with jealousy. I wished I still had my girls growing inside of me. And I wished I'd have another chance at being pregnant. The future was so uncertain. That night I came home and at 8 dpo I took a dollar store pregnancy test. I took it in the bathroom and kept getting up from the couch to check on it. I hid it in my drawer of my bedroom dresser. Burt must've thought I was crazy or something getting up every minute or so. And finally after about 15 minutes (well past the ten minute wait time) I saw a very very very faint line. If I twisted it and held it at just the right angle, something was there. I had a glimmer of excitement. I don't know how I went to sleep that night, but somehow I did. The next morning was Monday and the kids had off of school for Colombus Day. I hurried up and we headed out to Walmart to buy more pregnancy tests. Low and behold when I tested I saw another faint line, but this one was definitely there. I was so scared and happy. The emotions were crazy! And today when I reflect back on that day the only thing I wish to be different was I wish I knew the outcome. I wish I knew that everything was going to be okay. I wish I could've been less worried. But I'd go through it all over again. Every ounce of worry was worth it to be holding my almost 4 month old baby girl, walking around with her wearing the very first thing I bought when I knew I was pregnant, and listening to the 30 or so people stop us just to take a look at her or to tell me how adorable she was. Yesterday will go do in the books as one of the most fulfilling days of my life as a mommy. I felt like my life had come full circle in many ways. Only God knew that one year from then I would have my miracle. Which I guess is my lesson of the day. Trust in God. He knows what's best. The day was beautiful. It was sunny and warm and yet there was a crisp breeze that reminded us that it was fall. Abby and Nathan got their faces painted. They played in the park. We fed the animals. They made their way through the haybale maze. And we even took a hayride to the witches house and finished off the day with apple cider and roasted marshmellows. And at the end of the day I tucked my three adorable kids into bed and passed out!

15 weeks already!

I really don't feel like posting here right now but I figured a quick check in would be good. As I type Alexa is asleep in her crib. I'm starting to focus on getting her into a good bed time routine. I read in a baby magazine yesterday that by 4 months babies need to start on some sort of routine because the way they go to sleep now will be the way they need to go to sleep every night. I cringe at the thought of having to rock her to sleep every night for the next year because I grew her acustom to falling asleep in the swing. She went through a bit of a fussy period tonight and then I finally got her calm and almost asleep. I decided that would be a good time to lay her in the crib to drift off to sleep on her own. Oh yea and she's NOT swaddled. First time actually. I think I may leave her unswaddled tonight and see how it goes. She's still not sleeping through the night which is quite frustrating sometimes, but all I have to do to get her to fall back asleep is to give her a bottle. It could be worse. Tonight I tried feeding her carrots for the first time. She had four days in a row of applesauce and now we're moving on to a veggie! She seemed to like it, but it was a little hard to tell because she was just overall cranky at the time. I only got a few bites in before she called it quits with a crying fest. Tomorrow will be night two and we'll see if she gives off happier vibes. Today Alexa got lots of compliments at Abby and Nate's school. Who am I kidding? She gets lots of compliments everywhere she goes. But today she looked especially cute and everyone noticed. She wore her orange and black batty for Daddy onesie and a pair of black flare pants. She also wore an orange headband with the batty for daddy bow I made for her. A-d-o-r-a-b-l-e! I need to schedule a photo shoot at JcPenny's really soon. I feel like she's growing so fast that I just can't keep up with it. She seems to be stirring now in her crib. I wonder if she's getting hungry. She seems to be trying to eat like every 2-3 hours. And eating 6 ozs at that! The little piglet! Today I actually gave her 3 ozs of water just to hold her over. She's insatiable! Another thing to talk to the doctor about. I'm excited to see her in the morning. She's always so pleasant. As for the older two. I'm excited to have a good weekend with them. It's supposed to be beautiful this weekend. Sunny and cool, just how I like it. I'd love to take a trip to Linvilla Orchards. We'll see if money will allow. We have lots of fall traditions at Linvilla Orchards. One of the things that I really hope to pass onto my children is a sense of how important family traditions are. I've worked really hard at making some wonderful traditions for our family. Some of my favorites are trips to Linvilla Orchards, decorating the kitchen/dining room the night before their birthday so they can wake up to the room being decorated, a trip to Rita's Water ice on the first day of school, Sprinkling reindeer food and glitter on the lawn for Santa's reindeer on X-mas Eve and many more. I'd love to be eighty years old watching my great grandchildren following these same traditions. Could I be so lucky? I love being a mom.

I wish I'd write more

I've said it since first finding out I was pregnant. I don't want to forget a thing about this baby. I wish I could write everyday. I think she's learning something new everyday and I feel like I'll forget it all. I think back to when Abby and Nate were babies and I can't remember at what age they started to do anything. I should go back and read through their baby books I suppose but even that isn't as thorough as I'd like it. Today Alexa tried out her exersaucer for the first time. We got it as a hand me down from Uncle Bobby and it's just the cutest pinkest thing! Alexa seemed to like it. She stared at all the tosy for a bit and proceeded to chew up the seat. She's like a little puppy now. She chews on everything. I think she's going to teethe early. Today she was sucking away on my kuckle. Felt kind weird but she loved it! And she's constantly chewing and sucking on her own hands. Half the time she'd prefer to suck on her hands instead of her binky. Today was a day for a lot of firsts actually. Tonight we tried feeding her baby food for the first time. She's 14 weeks and five days old and she ate applesauce. Quite the piggy she is. She's been wanting a bottle more and more frequently. I'm actually concerned that she's eating way too much formula everyday. I swear she might have eaten like 38 or 40 oz today. After listening to her cry for a bottle only 2 hours after having eaten five ounces I figured I'd give it a whirl. We started out by trying to give her rice cereal for the 2nd time now. She did exactly what she did the first time which is cry and never swollow one drop. That's when I decided we'd try something a little more tastey. Cindy had given me a few odds and ends things from the "guess the price" game we played at my baby shower and applesauce was one of them. Boy did she love it! After charging up the video camera a bit I finally taped her making this "mmmmm" sound after every bite. She was in baby heaven!! She's growing everyday. She's becoming more and more of a baby and less and less of a helpless baby blob. On Saturday she grabbed her bottle as I was feeding her and tried to hold it with her fists closed. On Sunday she held onto it with her hands open and tried to pull it out of her mouth every time she needed a breather. Today she actually supported the weight of the bottle for a few seconds. She'll be holding it any day. I'm always so excited for her to learn something new but in the back of my mind I know that whatever she learns is one less thing she needs me for. Sometimes it makes me sad. One day she'll scream and cry when I try to cuddle her close and hold her bottle to feed her. And I'll think "Man, do I miss those days when all she did was lay there and stare into my eyes as I fed her!" And I'll be sad. Please don't grow up to quickly Alexa. In other off topic news, we got a new pet today. Abby decided that with her b-day money she wanted to buy a hanster. She used her $48 and bought herself a cute little cage, a big bag of bedding, and hanster food. Oh yea, and the hamster. It's a chinese dwarf hamster and it's so stinkin' cute!

3 months--I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad

Today is one day past Alexa's 3 month birthday. Oops! Story of my life, a day late and a dollar short! Oh well! I took her three month pictures today on the recliner. Her gerber 0-3 month onesie is now quite snug! I still remember the one month pictures like it was yesterday. So today I figured I'd take some time to compile a list of facts about our Lexa Lynn.

Here goes it!
~~She looks like a balding old man. No hair on top but plenty in the back.
~~Her eyes are still blue and her hair looks to be a light brown.
~~The toe next to her pinky toe is crooked on both feet.
~~She still doesn't fit into her 0-3 month sandals from Children's Place.
~~She had an explosive poopy event two days ago where I was shot in the stomach with diarrhea.
~~She is in size one Pampers but next case I'll be buying size 2.
~~She has outgrown her o-3 month one piece outfits. She's too long!
~~She wore her first pair of jeans yesterday on her 3 month birthday.
~~Everyone says how adorable she is and asks about her hair bows everyday.
~~Her legs never stop kicking.
~~She holds her arms in fists very close to her body and stretches out her legs when she's trying to poop.
~~She now enjoys her mobile and will watch it until it goes into sleep mode at which time she starts crying.
~~Still loves to be swaddled
~~She wakes up every night around 3 or 4 am.
~~She has long "conversations" with me. We go back and forth "talking" to each other as she stares into my eyes.
~~She loves morning time and is most happy then.
~~She likes for me to sing The Wheels on the Bus and move her legs, arms, and feet around.
~~She will be getting her ears pierced tomorrow.
~~She's still drinking Nutramigen.
~~She's eating every three hours now so I must bump up her ounces.
~~She loves bathtime and has begun splashing away.
~~She loves to cuddle. When I'm holding her at night on her back she will curl her body up so that her face is nestled into my shirt.
~~She will stop crying immediately in the car if Abby knocks on her car seat. Weird! I know!

September 11th, 2010

So today I woke up and completely forgot it was 9/11. I didn't remember until I signed onto facebook and saw all the tributes to it. Ever since then I've had a bit of a melancholy feeling. I can't help but to think back to that September day. I remember it like it was yesterday. My life was so different then. No kids, still living at home, working at the sev. It's weird. Every year I've tried to teach the kids the importance of that day. At such a young age it's been hard but every year they seem to grasp the concept a little better. It's so important to teach them and let them remember every year for as long as we remember we can help to protect ourselves. I showed them a tribute that someone posted on facebook and then we spent some time watching news footage on you tube of that morning. We watched the 2nd plane crash into the south tower. I showed them pictures of men and women jumping from the towers. I showed them the wreckage left in the Pennsylvania crash and told them about the heroes that thwarted that plane's course. I told them about the Pentagon. This year they were truley interested. It made me feel good as a mom to know that I'm passing on that piece of history that I lived through. And for the rest of the day I will remember. I took some time to post a thank you message to my friend Daniela's husband Keith who fought in the war and who now suffers badly from post traumatic stress disorder. If everyone remembers they'll never win.

A Day in the Life of Alexa @ 11 weeks

1

We've made it! We've crossed the finish line.

Time seems to be just flying by now that Alexa is getting better. Her cough is improving by the day. For awhile there it seemed to be getting worse and now I wonder if she didn't have a bit of a cold again to top it off. But now the mucousy cough is disappearing again and the coughing fits are very quick and for the most part relatively painless both physically for her and mentally for me. I'm kind of used to it by now. Most others are still scared to death everytime she coughs. Nana passed her right back to me the other day when she was holding Alexa and she started coughing. If she thought that was bad she would've never made it through the early stages of this pertusis. I haven't taken any anxiety meds in awhile. I feel very comfortable with her progress. On the 26th of August she had her "2 month" checkup. I say that in quotes because she was really 10 weeks. We had Dr. Ruben who isn't really my favorite doctor at the practice. She's quite short with her answers and always makes me feel rushed. I'm glad I went in armed with a list of written questions or she just might have rushed me out of there without being able to ask one. Alexa was weighed and came in at a whopping 10lbs 14oz. And she's now 22.5 inches long. By far the shortest of all my babies at this age I believe. Her teeny tiny head came in at 30th percentile and her weight and height came in somewhere around 40th percentile. Right on track my little peanut is. She was holding her head up well and very observant. The doctor was very pleased. I walked out of there one proud mommy. I feel so accomplished somedays having gone through everything that I have with her. I feel like we've been through so much together already and I've made it. I'm a survivor even though there were days when I thought I'd just throw up because of how anxious I was. I could've lost my baby, and some women have lost theirs to this sickness, but we beat it!! Everytime she coughs I'm awake. Everytime she coughs I am by her side. I struggled through just about forcing her to eat even though some days she'd only eat 11oz. I charted how much she ate everyday. I took countless trips to the doctors just to be sure she wasn't getting dehydrated. I watched her like hawk. And now it's all paying off. I have my baby alive and well. She's smiling, cooing, kicking, and playing. I'm finally getting to enjoy her the way I've been dying to.

Abby and Nathan start back to school on Wednesday. I'm excited to be home all alone with the baby and begin getting on some sort of routine. It's almost like closing a chapter in her book of life. She came home from the hospital on the kids' last day of school and now here we are starting the school year again. I'm looking forward to some Mommy and baby time. It's going to feel so weird just having one child to look after all day. I do have to say though that I will miss their help. All summer long they've been great go getters. And now Abby can even lift the baby and walk around holding her a bit. It's a great help when your arms hurt so badly from holding her for so long. I'm going to miss them but they need to get their brains a-workin'!

Dare I say?! She's becoming normal.

I have to make this quick. You just never know when she'll start crying. Right now she's relaxing peacefully in her glider right next to me at the computer. Every once and awhile I glance over and she'll be cat napping and then five minutes later I'll glance over again and there she'll be looking all beaty eyed at me. She's so adorable. Now I know I'm partial but man do we make cute kids! She does the funniest thing with her eyes. She'll be looking around and close her eyes for a long couple of seconds and then open then looking up or to the side. Looking very flirty if you ask me. She's smiling more now which is nice for me. Finally some recognition for all of my hard work! She's still coughing. Boo! But it's getting much better. I'm actually allowing her to cough by herself in the swing while I continue to sit on the cough just monitoring her. I used to jump up and run to her with every cough. I even have the kids trained to yell for me when she starts. I'll be in the kitchen washing dishes and Nathan will yell "Mom, babies coughing!!!" and a running I would come. I'm becoming a bit more laid back now that he coughing spells aren't lasting as long and aren't as mucousy. I've even brought her upstairs in the heat to just hang out. Before I would have to run the AC until the room was cool before I'd even think about bringing her up. She seems to be tolerating it quite well. We're even going to venture out to the pool tonight for a late night swim. All things that normal 2 month old babies could do. In other news, she seems to be chunking up again. Today she had a weight check and she went from 9lbs 13 oz to 10lbs 6 oz. Big bay-bay! I'm excited to have a "normal" baby for once. Normal all except this dang diaper rash that I've been fighting for two weeks now. It's so raw and sore and I feel so badly for her. I told her doctor today that I just want a normal baby, one whom I can use wipes on. The rash has gotten so bad that I've been using a bulb syringe to squirt water on her bottom every time I change her. Well, I just got the call. Daddy is on his way home. I'm going to go pop the chicken in the oven for dinner so it can be done in time for us to go to the pool.

Small pity party

Had a bit of a breakdown today. One xanax later, I'm feeling better. Alexa had a pretty rought night last night. She was up lots coughing and worrying mommy sick! I'm working on a theory that maybe the room was too hot and we're gonna turn on the AC earlier tonight to cool it down before we come in. Everytime I think she's getting better, I'm reminded that she's still one sick little girl. Tonight we're gonna give her a bath and relax her a bit. We're even going to buy a cool mist humidifier and see if that helps any.

Yesterday was my 8 week postpartum check up. I got to see Becca, my favorite midwife of all. All together now I have lost 35 pounds, and I confirmed that my total weight gain for the pregnancy was 11 pounds. Not bad! We chatted about all the drama that has been titled "My life" and she thinks I should play the lottery. Who has such luck?! It felt good to talk about everything that's been going on and to get some sympathy for it. It's been a rough 7 weeks. I had my pap smear and now we await the results. Please God, no more curve balls. Let it be normal. My mom and nana watched all three kids while I was gone. I was a nervous wreck about the baby the whole time but I have to admit it felt good to get away even if it was for a who-ha check. When I got back to my grandma's house, my Aunt Debbie and Kayla had joined the click. She always makes me feel calmer. I don't know why. Maybe it's because she's a nurse but again it felt good to relax a bit. She even decided to take the kids down to her house for awhile to give them something new to do. Burt and I took advantage of the time together and went to get Chinese food and took a quick walk through the Family Dollar in Folcroft.

In other news, today I captured Alexa's smile on camera. She's been smiling since July 31st but I had yet to have the camera ready when she did it. She seems to be the happiest in the morning. I was holding her and Abby was just smiling at her and she smiled right back. Several times in fact. Nathan grabbed the camera and snapped away. I have to keep reminding myself that she won't be sick forever. This will get better and then these horrible times will all just be a memory. The sad thing is though that I don't want to look back on her first few months and think of how horrible they were. I want to remember her and cherish her when she's still so small. I feel like I'm being robbed. Oh well, enough with the pity party. I am grateful to just have her here. I will take what i can get.

Be patient Jess.

It seems as if we might have turned a bit of a corner with this Pertusis. Tuesday the 3rd she was discharged from CHOP. As petrified as I was to take her home away from the nurses and monitors, I was happy to be home to see the other two kids. It's so hard being away from them. Not only that but my house was falling apart. Abby was still in pajamas and hadn't had her hair brushed in days. Nathan was wearing a pair of boxers and they had both become playstation junkies. It was time for Mommy to be home. But let's back track a little. The ride home from the hospital was hard. I think I cried almost the whole way. I was scared that maybe we should've pushed the doctors to let her stay a while longer but they seemed confident that she was okay to go home. This has been a major lesson in faith and trust. I still sometimes have to repeat in my head over and over again, "She will breathe again." It's so scary. Boy am I jumpy around in this post or what? Burt did a very good job attempting to calm me down but I felt my chest tightening and I couldn't focus on anything other then watching to see if she was going to have a coughing fit in the car where I'd feel so helpless as I couldn't take her out of her seat to calm her down. We finally made it home and life continued as usual. Everytime I left the room she was in I was carefully listening for her to cough. I attempted to do some laundry but she coughed. I attempted to organize and straighten up but she coughed. I finally gave up and held her. Now, 4 days later, I look back and realize that I was quickly slipping into a black hole. I felt so helpless and yet I felt like the ony one capable of caring for her. I felt like I was never going to have a life again. I felt like I was doomed to worry for the rest of my life. I began to feel like a prisoner. This summer was shaping up to be nothing like all the dreams I had of spending it with my newborn baby. I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying to trust in God, but everything seems to be that much harder with her sick. Wednesday I had a bit of a scare when I thought she wasn't eating enough so we brought her to the pediatrician. By the time we were in the office Alexa was wide eyed and bushy tailed just relazing in my arms. They weighed her and she weighed 10lbs 3.3 oz. Only down .1 of an oz from the hospital. The doctor said she looked great and that her lungs were clear. What a relief! And relieved I stayed until that night when she was up like 42 times coughing her little head off. Again, the roller coaster begins. Everytime you think you see progress you're taken back down a notch. Thursday was a bit of a better day. She was still very lethargic but she seemed to spend a bit more time awak and content. I finally decided to take her swing upstairs in the bedroom for the night. She slept much better that night and even awoke for a feed. Improvement. Friday seemed to be better yet. By this time I had taken Burt's advice and started taking a xanax to calm my nerves. And it helped. I could finally begin to enjoy the little improvements that we were noticing in her. I finally smiled and laughed after almost two weeks of worry. Firday night again I used the swing and got some much needed sleep. Aside from the diaper rash and her waking up four times or so coughing I thought I had a pretty good night. Now finally that brings us to today. This morning Alexa spent a good three hours awake and relaxing. I even gave her a bath and dressed her up all cute and pretty, headband and flower included. I'm so happy that God is showing me these signs of her improvement. My heart needed it and still does. Tonight we may try taking the baby for a walk in the stroller. Mommy and baby need some fresh air. I need to feel free again.

She's sicker then she's ever been before.

The hell continues. Alexa is back at the hospital. On Sunday July 25th she started with a small cough every once in awhile. I knew she was headed down the path but was hoping we would avoid anything serious. Monday she continued with the cough. She also had an appointment to get her weight checked to change the dosage of her zantac. While at the appointment the doctor weighed her. She came in at a healthy 9lbs 15oz. Growing like a weed. We talked about the reflux and decided we'd give the zantac another try. Monday night she had her first dose at .9mL. It didn't seem to do much for her reflux symptoms so we kept at it. Tuesday morning she had another dose. Tuesday night at around 10pm she had a feed. This feed was especially sloppy and she gulped in lots of air and ate very quickly. Shortly after the feed she had a coughing fit and her lips even turned a bluish color. After recovering from this coughing fit she soon had another where she threw up her last feed and continued struggling to breathe. The best way I can describe it was that she was coughing then gulping in air. It's almost as if any oxygen she was getting in was going right into her tummy and not her lungs. This went on for a few minutes and I decided we should call 911. By the time the ambulance had arrived she was breathing normally again but I still wanted to bring her to the hospital to get checked out. Once in the ambulance they turned on the sirens and we made our way. Burt left a few minutes after us and met us in the ER. Amanda and Juan watched Nathan and Abby. Once in the ER and after giving her history I had begun to wonder whether the entire incident was related to her reflux. After talking it over with the ER doctors they decided we should continue the zantac and it should begin to give her some relief. We felt comfortable bringing her home. We got home around 1:30am. Wednesday her cough continued but her crankiness increased. She was compltely inconsolable from 5pm until 9:30pm. Even mommy couldn't calm her down and the stress of it all had me in tears. By Thursday I had had enough. I knew the doctors needed to help us. I put a call into the pediatrician. When they called me back we agreed to stop the zantac and change her formula to Nutramigen. By Thursday night we had a "normal" baby. She was content to just hang out with the family and I loved it! Friday and Saturday the cough continued. Saturday night was the last straw and I put another call into the pediatrician. Not before I had a mental break down and cried my eyes out. It's heart wrenching watching your baby suffer and not being able to do anything for her. Not only that but I was constantly questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing by keeping her home. When the on call nurse called me back and told me to bring her down to CHOP's ER I was kind of relieved. I knew we might get some answers then. I even decided to pack a little bag in case they decided to admit her. Good thing I did. Once we got here the doctors caught a glimpse of this coughing I was describing. They got the ball rolling and she was admitted. She had a chest x-ray done which was clear. She had a mucous sample taken with a small tube that sucked out some mucous and everything was sent to the lab. They began testing her for pertusis, chlamydia, and another ten or so viruses. Sunday morning Burt left to go home and get things situated with the kids. He spent the day with them trying to keep things somewhat normal. I spent the day in the hospital room with the door closed and the lights dimmed. Her coughing continued. By Sunday Burt had come back but we both fell asleep rather early. Alexa though conitued to cough through the night. Everytime I head her cough my heart starts racing. Every noise she makes makes my body cringe. My chest hurts and I'm sure it's from anxiety. But nothing compares to my poor baby having to go through this. Today, Monday August 2nd, her pertusis test came back positive. My baby girl has whooping cough. We've all been advised to get on a course of antibiotics and Burt was instructed to get the DaTP booster vaccine. And again I am scared to death. When the doctor came in to tell me I felt like an emotional bomb had been dropped on me. It all took a moment to sink in but the tears started to flow. I called Burt to tell him and the tears continued. Nothing can describe the fear that was pumping through my veins. I was an emotional mess. Eventually the nurse came in and saw me and told me she was going to get the doctor so that he could explain things better. The doctor was amazing. He even let me use his stethescope to listen to his "normal" lungs and then let me listen to Alexa's tummy gurgling and to listen to her "normal" lungs. Her lungs are clear and free from pneumonia. He even showed me her chest x-ray and thoroughly explained it to me. I felt slightly better but still overcome with sadness for my daughter. I just want her well. I want to cuddle her. I want to make her smile. I just want her to be happy. What is God trying to teach me?! Wasn't the NICU enough to teach me any such lessons? I'm trying to remind myself that things could be so much worse but everytime I do they seem to get that much worse. Please God...it's in your hands. I trust that you will take care of my baby as it's not her time to go. Our family has too much love to give her. We need her. I have faith that you know what it best and I'm putting it in your hands.

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back!

My little girl is sick. She's had a cough for 6 days now. I knew it was coming when I starting feeling that heavy feeling in the back of my throat. Her and I spend so much time together that I knew it was inevitable. The cough started out slowly and has now progressed to a heavy wet cough. It's worse when she first wakes up, but is still around all day and night. The worry never ends.

Wednesday we had a very fussy day. Actually it was worse then fussy. It was down right miserable! She was whiny all day but really started acting up around 5pm. I couldn't put her down. I couldn't even calm her for the majority of her screaming match. This went on for a good 3 1/2 hours until she tired herself out. I began to suspect the zantac was making her feel worse. She seemed so gassy but unable to burp it up. So Thursday morning I put a call into the doctor. When they called me back I told them the whole history/ About the trip to the NICU. The reflux diagnosis, about how I stopped her zantac before because I didn't think it was working and how I just started it back up again. I even told her about the trouble breathing Alexa had on Tuesday night that led us to a trip to CHOP's ER again. She listened very well and suggested I stop the zantac. She also suggested I try a new formula called Nutramigen. It's hypoallergenic. She started the new formula that day and seems to be a normal baby again. She had one bottle where she spit up a lot but since then there's been minimal spitting up. She even burps on her own a lot of the times. She seems content and easily calmed again. Please Lord let this be our miracle cure. I'd love to have my baby back. And oh yea, could you send my baby girl some healing vibes? I'd gladly take her cough if it meant she'd feel better. I'm so sick of being worried. It seems never ending. I thought that once she made her debut into this world I'd be a little less of a worry wart. I think she's made it worse! I love you Alexa! xoxoxo

The days seem to just run together

The baby is growing. Yesterday she went in for a weight check and she weighed 9lbs 15oz. And today the WIC nutritionist put her weight into the computer and she came out at 42nd percentile for her weight. I'm not sure how long she is so that will have to wait. Maybe I can measure her today. Nothing much has changed lately. We still have a very fussy baby on our hands. She seems to be most fussy right around dinner time and shortly there after. We have started to get onto a bit of a schedule. The past two nights in a row she's been going to sleep around 9:30pm and sleeping until 4,5, or 6am. That's a great sleeping schedule for mommy. Today I tried giving her gripe water for the first time. She guzzled it right down and shortly thereafter drifted off to sleep. It could've been a fluke though because I was holding her while I was on the phone and lord knows she loves to be held by her mommy.

The gift that keeps on giving

Yesterday I opened the mail to find a statement from Jefferson Hospital. $3500 they are charging me for stealing my babies from me last year. Is it not bad enough that tomorrow will be one year since they stopped my babies' heart from beating. And Friday will be one year from the day they ripped them from my womb!!And better yet...it's beginning to look like no one's gonna remember. I'm very sad today. I need some baby cuddles.

Sleepy. Enough said.

Last night had to be one of the most exhausting nights with Alexa yet. She has been super fussy lately and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why. The reflux is always my go to guy for any reason why she might be acting up, but this, last night, was not Mr. Reflux. She went to bed around 10:30pm after almost 2 hours of fussing. She woke up at 3am wanting to eat. I fed her her bottle and enjoyed a nice spit-up bath with every burp. After she was finished her bottle the fussing started. And just never stopped. I eventually woke Burt up and sent him downstairs for the bottle of gas drops. I gave her those and hoped for some relief. It never came. She actually got more fussy (if that was even possible) and I got up out of bed and headed downstairs. My initial thoughts were to get her out of the bedroom so Burt could fall back asleep but he followed me down. Luckily he did because my arms eventually needed a break. We walked the floor together shushing and rocking her for about an hour. Then I sent him to Pathmark for what I hoped to be "the cure". I sent him for a can of soy formula. She just seemed to be in so much pain. She had her first bottle of it this morning and so far so good. Knock on wood. She drank it with no spitting up and then laid in her cosleeper without much fussing and went peacefully back to sleep with a bit of rocking. No loud high pitch screams or scrunching up her legs in pain. It's terrible to think that the formula could've been the culprit for all of her fussy ways this whole time. My poor baby has only known a life of pain and suffering. Makes a Momma's heart break. Between the IV's, the spinal tap, the catheter, the reflux, and now this nasty mean formula making her belly hurt. I just wanted to cry for her last night. She deserves a nice peaceful sleep today. And so does Mommy.

ONE MONTH OLD!!!

Today my precious baby girl is one month old. It seems that the time has gone by so quickly and yet when I look back so much has happened. It seems like just yesterday that I was bringing her home and taking pictures of her on the front lawn next to her "It's a girl!" sign. And just yesterday that she was being admitted to the NICU. And being discharged. It's been an emotional month. I've gone through every emotion on the spectrum. The happiness and relief when she was first born and screaming her lungs out on the warmer. The fear and anxiety when I was holding her in CHOP's ER waiting for Burt to get there crying my eyes out because I couldn't comfort her crying because she was in so much pain. The helplessness I felt. The sense of peace I felt when I knew I was no longer the sole caretaker of her when they admitted her to the NICU and wheeled her up there. I knew there would be nurses there that could help me to comfort and calm her. The confusion I had when her respiratory stats kept dropping. The joy I felt when I knew she was coming home again. The nervousness I felt about her first night home. And mostly the smiles she brings to my face everytime I pick her up to snuggle with her and smell that new baby smell. She's a miracle and everyday I try to take a few seconds out of my day to thank God for her. And even on her fussiest of days I appreciate just how much she needs and wants me. She's changing everyday. I'm still waiting for her first smile and her first coos. But I'll be patient. I don't want to wish away her baby days. For now I'm just so happy that she wants to be held and cuddled. For one day I know that she'll be pushing me away and wanting her independence.

Drama is her middle name

Introducing Alexa Lynn Drama McCabe!! Hold your applause. This kid has turned into a monster. Starting on Friday July 9th I became a raging worry wart and she became a cranky miserable baby. I started noticing her rapid breathing again. I at first chalked it up to the hot weather at the pool the day before and tried to remain calm. When the weird breathing remained it took Burt about an hour of convincing to keep me from bringing her back to CHOP ER. I would've sworn she had the kids' cold and was going to be admitted again. Is it possible that maybe I have a bit of post traumatic stress syndrome from our stay at the NICU? I think so. But once Burt convinced me that she'd be okay I still had other things to worry about. Constipation. It's weird how parents become so obsessed with the frequency, color, and texture of their baby's poo. Maybe it's a parental instinct. Maybe it's just paranoia, but whatever it is, I got it! Alexa's poo has turned from a yellowish liquidy consistency to a green peanut buttery consistency. Not normal! Oh yea and she's down to going once a day now with lots of grunting and red angry faces in between. Poor baby looks so mad! Wrap that up with a bad case of reflux and upset tummy and put a bow on top and you have one unhappy, restless baby. She spent at least 3 hours awake this morning just fussing and refusing to be put down. Once I got her to sleep for a few hours I thought maybe she'd wake up in a happier mood. Wrong! I think she was even fussier then. I've begun to feel like the only time she's happy is when she's asleep. I still had one trick up my sleeve. Today Alexa had her first taste of "Little Tummy's Gas Relief Drops" and I think they're working. I gave her the minuscule dose earlier and after ten minutes of almost consistent crying she calmed down and dozed off. Now one could argue that she tired herself out from all that crying but I'm hoping and praying that it was the drops. If not I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it through the next few months. The good news is that my biceps are getting a very good work out from holding her so often.

1st bath

Last night Alexa had her first real bath. It was quite an exciting milestone for everyone. The kids have been waiting since she was born to be able to help wash her. Everyday they'd ask, "When is Alexa's cord gonna fall off?" And everyday I'd explain. So last night at 10:30pm we did it. While the kids cleaned up their room Burt and I woke the baby up. We even layed her in the empty tub for a few minutes just to see how well she'd fit. Once the kids were done we filled it up and went to town. Surprisingly she didn't hate it. She calmly sat there when I first put her in. And even enjoyed it until it came time to wash her hair. She didn't like that part so much. Afterwards I dressed her in some snuggly jammies and warmed her up. Daddy fed her one last bottle for the night and she zonked out. Thank God because Mommy did too!

How time flys when you're having fun

Another day is quickly passing. My baby girl is 20 days old today. And we've marked her 20th day of life with a cranky baby in the morning and lots of sleeping since about 3pm. She's quite the sleeper actually. She's had me worried a few times about just how much she was sleeping. I'm a worry wart now. Thank you NICU! Yesterday was her first 4th of July. She even made her debut in the parade at the pool. The youngest participant. She wore a really cute red, white, and blue outfit with a red headband and red, white, and blue flower. I wish I would've taken a picture of all three kids in their matching outfits but the older two ran off to the pool too quickly. Oh well, there's always next year. We spent the day BBQ'ing at the pool with Amanda, Juan, Mom Mom, Matt, and Frankie. Aunt Cindy and Chase made a stop too. Mommy had a toothache for most of the day so I didn't get to enjoy much of the food we worked so hard to prepare, but everyone else seemed to really like it. I'm still nursing myself back to health after the delivery (if you know what I mean) so no swimming for me either. I'm hoping another week and I'll be diving in with the rest of them.

I'm hoping to give Alexa her 1st bath tonight. Perhaps after a quick dinner. I'm going to have Daddy video tape and take pictures while I wash her. Another big milestone!

Too much big girl stuff

It's been a crazy few days. We're all still trying to adjust to this new chaotic life. Before Alexa we had everything down pat. The kids knew the routine and folowed it rather well even when there was no routine. Now we throw a newborn into the mix and the stress level rises. It's even hard just running out the door to Walmart. What do you pack? Do you have everything? Has she eaten recently? Where's the nuk nuk? All these things race through your head as you're looking for the keys and Abby and Nathan's flip flops. I'm hoping as we get used to it things won't seem so bad. The stress has taken a toll on mine and Burt's relationship. He has started to pick up on my cues for him to pitch in a bit more but the damage has been done and now I need to work on forgiving and forgetting. I'm like that. I hold grudges. In other news...today is the fourth of July, and yesterday was the third. For some reason all of the community festivities happened then. We took Mom Mom up on her offer to watch Lexi while Burt, the kids, and I went to see Collingdale's fireworks. The fireworks were great and the kids met up with a few of their friends there and ran and played and had a great time. When we got home Mom Mom informed me that Alexa had been up the whole time. This gave me a sense of relief because she had been asleep for 99% of the day. I had started to worry that maybe she was sick. I even took her temperature, Then I got a sneaking suspicion that maybe her sleepiness was caused by the zantac she had started taking for her reflux. After about 7 hours of it being in her system it seeemed as if it was comletely worn off by time we were leaving for the fireworks. "Yay" for a happy & relieved Momma! After watching Alexa for us Mom Mom stuck around and entertained the kids while Burt and I started cooking everything for the cookout. What a help that was! Right before she was about to leave I started changing Alexa into her PJ's for the night and to my surprise as I unbuttoned the bottom of her outfit I saw a dark thing stuck to the outside of her diaper. It took me a second but I then realized that it was her cord. Somewhere between the time that Mom Mom had changed her diaper and Mommy was changing it again it fell off. My baby is a big girl. I remember feeling a great sense of sadness when Nathan and Abby's cord had fallen off. I felt like the last little part of our bond was gone. That cord was the thing that sustained her life for so many months inside of me. And now it's gone. She's growing so quickly. A part of me is relieved that it is gone. For the same reason that Abby and Nathan losing theirs made me sad, I get some relief when I think of her falling off. It means she's getting older and for me getting older makes her a bit less fragile and a bit less likely to get sick again. It gives Momma's nerves a break from all the worrying. I don't want her to grow too quickly but just quickly enough for me to enjoy her and let my guard down a bit. Does that make sense? This NICU experience has opened my eyes to just how fragile newborns can be. But the princess has called, I mean cried. And now she's laying peacefully in my left arm making it impossible to type. More updates to come.

It's almost like our first date

Today is the day we've been waiting for since Alexa was admitted to the NICU. She's being discharged. I thought I'd be so happy and excited instead I find myself to be so incredibly nervous. Nervous to make the phone call down there to confirm she's being discharged. Nervous to be the only one to take care of her when she gets home. Nervous for her to have one of these bradycardia episodes at home with us all alone. It seems like such a big responsibility now. When she initially came home from the hospital after she was born I was an old pro. I knew how to take care of newborns. Now I feel like she's so fragile. Like anything can hurt her or harm her. I'm almost afraid to change her diaper or her clothes. Maybe that will wear off the more I do it, but for now I feel scarred. In the NICU everytime she moved an alarm sounded. Anytime I changed her diaper the alarms went crazy. Have I been trained to cringe everytime I change her because of those alarms? I just want to enjoy my baby like she was a normal baby. Please God give me the strength and the courage to be the best mommy I can be to my sweet baby girl.

You're Gonna Be

6lbs and 9oz lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin'

Your gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's no fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between gettin' by and livin'

This is like Groundhog day

I woke up again. I guess that's good news. But it seems like the same day over and over again. No change. No happiness. Just another day. I should be able to be happy. I do have two kids here that need my smiles. But my heart can't be whole until my baby is with me. I swear my arms get achy when I think of her. She just needs to get better.

Day 4 in hospital days seems like day 54

The days seems so long and the nights even longer. Especially when I'm now spending the nights away from my baby girl. As of last update we now hopefully have an answer as to why she's been breathing so funky. Apparently baby Alexa has a UTI. It's hard to believe that an infection could make her breathing go so awray but it can. Since she's been on the antibiotics it seems as if her breathing has gotten better. She's no longer on the nasal canula and they even removed the stickers from her face which held it in place. She has had an u/s of her kidneys done to rule out any abnormalities that could cause her to get a UTI and today she had a voiding cystourethrogram . Not a pleasant test but my baby handled it like a champ they said.

Edited and added on June 26th:
Well today marks the day that I so eagerly anticipated for many months. Today June 26th was my due date. Although the actual due date means nothing to the midwives, it meant lots to me. I couldn't wait for this day to get here. I couldn't wait to be holding my baby in my arms and yet here I sit still feeling empty. Baby girl is still in the hospital. Today marks day five. And as life in the NICU goes, it's one step forward and two steps back. Burt, the kids and I all made a trip to the hospital today. The three of them seemed to be coming down with a cold or something so they stayed out in the waiting room. We got there about 2pm only to get a bit of good and bad news. The good news was that Alexa was still off of the nasal canula and her breathing has been pretty good. They attempted to put in another IV last night but failed to do so because the NICU was rather busy while they were trying to do it and Alexa's veins didn't seem to want to cooperate either. They gave up after a few attempts. In the end it seems that was for the best because they have now switched her to oral antibiotics. She could've even been discharged today had she not had a little episode of lowering her heart rate. The nurse said that at her 1pm feeding today her heart rate fell to about 85 and she turned blue. She said she just switched Alexa's position and that brought her heart rate back up again. I tried to seem strong when she told me but inside I was cracking. How could we be so close and yet so far away from going home? Don't get me wrong...I only want my baby home if she's healthy but PLEASE make her healthy! Walking in this house is torture. I see her swing sitting motionless in the living room. I see her clean empty bottles on the drying rack in the kitchen. I see her cosleeper sitting next to my bed and it brings tears to my eyes remembering the last time she was in it. I can't bring myself to putting her co sleeper in her room and yet it pains me to see it empty everyday. I feel like I've already missed so much of her short life. She has spent more of her life in the hospital then she has spent at home with her family. Everyday I leave the hospital and fantasize about making the drive home with my baby strapped safely in her carseat. Today when I got home I just broke down emotionally. It's been building all day. First earlier when I smelled one of her sleepers. I could smell her and it broke my heart. Then tonight when I walked by her stroller in the living room and remembered our last walk in it around the pool the night before she went into the hospital. I can't help but be pessimistic. Every time I feel optimistic I'm reminded of my bad luck. She's got so many people praying for her. If prayers can make her better, they will. Get well baby Alexa!!

Is this just the beginning?

Alexa is in the NICU. I'm an emotional wreck and everything SUCKS right now. On Monday night Burt brought it to my attention that she was breathing awfully fast for a period of time and then taking a pause in breathing and then back to rapid hard breathing again. I dismissed it a bit concluding that he was just being overly protective but deep down inside I was nervous as can be. Worried sick actually. How could God give me this gift and then make her sick? We just started being able to enjoy her. But being the wonderful parents we are I made an appointment with the pediatrician and took her in. She weighed in at 7lb 2 oz and her head circumfrence was 13 3/4 inches. So my peanut has a small head. The doctor came in and said her coloring looked great and that she wasn't too worried. She stepped out of the room to run things by another doctor. When she came back she told me that they'd like for her to be seen in the ER. She said that the ER would be able to check her oxygen levels and do a chest x-ray. Off to the ER we went. I still had Abby and Nathan with me. I made plans with my mom to have them picked up. In the ER I tried my best to stay away from any other patients. All the sickies in there made me even more nervous. We were brought back to a room rather quickly and then were bombarded by nurses coming in to check out "the six day old baby". Everyone was in love with her. We had one great nurse who pulled up a chair and listened so perfectly to all of my concerns. She said that probably what would happen is that they would have her admitted at CHOP for observation but that for now she was looking okay. I held Alexa and tried to get her into a deep sleep. I knew the doctors would never get to see what I was talking about unless I got her into a good sleep. Soon enough she was catching some zzz's and I laid her on the stretcher. And then it happened. Her oxygen levels dropped into the low 90's and then again into the upper 80's. At least they knew I wasn't a frantic unbelieveable mommy. I knew what I was talking about. My baby needed to be checked out. They made a call to CHOP and spoke with a pediatrician. Then I overheard a conversation in the hallway and knew they were going to be sending her to Children's. My heart sank. Even though I wanted to find some answers I never thought my day would be turning into this. I called Burt and told him what I thought was going to be happening. Then the ER doctor came in to confirm. CHOP was sending an ambulance for us and it would be there shortly. He then informed me that she would need an IV and some blood drawn. I knew I needed to leave the room. How miserable it is to hear your newborn screaming out in pain. The tears start coming to my eyes again just thinking about how horrible those next few hours were. As I started to hear her crying I walked away and waiting in the family waiting room. While standing there I was even more nervous and agitated. I just wanted to be the one to comfort her as soon as they were done so I walked back to the room. Outside the door I could hear they weren't finished so I just sat and waited. As they were torturing my baby my heart was being tortured. I stood there and cried. A few nurses tried to consol me but until my baby was in my arms there was nothing to comfort me. When I walked in the room I saw the blood on a gauze pad on the floor and blood on her little dress. How could this all have been happening? Thankfully they handed her to me rather quickly because I almost lost it. As soon as I held her she quieted right down. My baby knew I was there. I started to feed her only to be interupted by the ambulance drivers. The moved rather quickly and soon had Alexa all strapped into the isolette and ready to go. She was not happy in there but we had to get going. She cried the entire ride to the hospital and again my heart ached for her. It was such a helpless feeling. Alexa was only 6 days old and I had never let her cry so long. Up until that point she lived in a world where her every need was met immediately upon crying or even before she cried. Now her entire world was turned upside down and I couldn't even comfort her. Once in the ER I pushed the nurses and doctors to let me hold her. This time it was a bit harder to console her but I eventually did. Again she showed the doctors what had us so worried and they eventually called upstairs to the NICU and they decided to admit her. We spent about 3 hours in CHOP's ER. Most of which Alexa spent crying. She was so hard to comfort at this point and I couldn't wait for Daddy to get there. The tears again were flowing from both of our eyes. Again the helpless feeling overcame me. She seemed like she was in so much pain and I couldn't make it better. Once they decided to admit her things went rather fast again. They came in to do a spinal tap and to put a catheter in to get a urine sample. I left the room and wandered down the hall. I couldn't listen to me baby scream out in pain again. I knew they had to do these tests but wanted them to be over with. I called Burt and just cried. He told me he was close by and soon her was there. We were directed to a family consult room where we waited for the procedures to be done. After that we were whisked up to the NICU. There the doctors were waiting for us. A team of five or six swarmed Alexa and started asking a million questions. Next thing I know it was 11:30pm. We started asking about sleeping arrangements and our awesome nurse got us set up in a family sleep room. She gave us a little tour of the NICU. We went in and kissed our baby goodnight and off to sleep we went. Although I use the term sleep very loosely as I don't feel like I got much of it. On Wednesday Daddy spent the whole day with us. It was such a relief to have the NICU nurses there with her 24 hours. I knew she was in good hands and we actually got to take breaks to get something to eat or even just to sit, talk, and comfort each other. She had one episode of bradycardia when I was feeding her at around 5 and then another one around 9pm. We then learned that maybe she wasn't taking good breaths as she gulped down her bottle and have since started taking the bottle away from her after 10 sips. This seems to be working. Knock on wood. She even had the nasal canula that was giving her flow (not oxygen) taken out and was doing well. Burt and I left the hospital and went home for quick showers and to pack some things for the coming days. The time I spent away from her seemed endless but at the same time didn't seem long enough to spend with Abby and Nathan. How long could I keep this up? Being with only half my family at a time? My heart broke as I kissed the kids good-bye but they had my mom. Alexa needed me. Once we got to the hospital we met another great nurse named Amanda. She answered all of our questions and was so informative. Alexa then woke up and stayed awake for her entire feeding and even some cuddle time with Mommy and Daddy. Once we got her to sleep we again headed for bed. She was looking great and we even had talk of her going home on Friday. I was content. This brings me to today. It is now 9:35am and I've been sitting in the room with her since 7:30am. When I came in I was a bit disheartened when I saw the nasal canula back in. She's still only on flow and no oxygen but what a step back. Apparently her oxygen levels were dropping too much overnight and this was making her more comfortable. I'm eager to hear what the doctors have to say. I'm staying put in the room until I hear from them. The alarms are driving me crazy and my body is never at rest. I don't know how Alexa will ever sleep in our quiet room again after hearing all the alarms. For now I continue to pray that she doesn't get any worse. That maybe she take a few steps forward and no steps back. Please God, we need our baby home.