Be patient Jess.

It seems as if we might have turned a bit of a corner with this Pertusis. Tuesday the 3rd she was discharged from CHOP. As petrified as I was to take her home away from the nurses and monitors, I was happy to be home to see the other two kids. It's so hard being away from them. Not only that but my house was falling apart. Abby was still in pajamas and hadn't had her hair brushed in days. Nathan was wearing a pair of boxers and they had both become playstation junkies. It was time for Mommy to be home. But let's back track a little. The ride home from the hospital was hard. I think I cried almost the whole way. I was scared that maybe we should've pushed the doctors to let her stay a while longer but they seemed confident that she was okay to go home. This has been a major lesson in faith and trust. I still sometimes have to repeat in my head over and over again, "She will breathe again." It's so scary. Boy am I jumpy around in this post or what? Burt did a very good job attempting to calm me down but I felt my chest tightening and I couldn't focus on anything other then watching to see if she was going to have a coughing fit in the car where I'd feel so helpless as I couldn't take her out of her seat to calm her down. We finally made it home and life continued as usual. Everytime I left the room she was in I was carefully listening for her to cough. I attempted to do some laundry but she coughed. I attempted to organize and straighten up but she coughed. I finally gave up and held her. Now, 4 days later, I look back and realize that I was quickly slipping into a black hole. I felt so helpless and yet I felt like the ony one capable of caring for her. I felt like I was never going to have a life again. I felt like I was doomed to worry for the rest of my life. I began to feel like a prisoner. This summer was shaping up to be nothing like all the dreams I had of spending it with my newborn baby. I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying to trust in God, but everything seems to be that much harder with her sick. Wednesday I had a bit of a scare when I thought she wasn't eating enough so we brought her to the pediatrician. By the time we were in the office Alexa was wide eyed and bushy tailed just relazing in my arms. They weighed her and she weighed 10lbs 3.3 oz. Only down .1 of an oz from the hospital. The doctor said she looked great and that her lungs were clear. What a relief! And relieved I stayed until that night when she was up like 42 times coughing her little head off. Again, the roller coaster begins. Everytime you think you see progress you're taken back down a notch. Thursday was a bit of a better day. She was still very lethargic but she seemed to spend a bit more time awak and content. I finally decided to take her swing upstairs in the bedroom for the night. She slept much better that night and even awoke for a feed. Improvement. Friday seemed to be better yet. By this time I had taken Burt's advice and started taking a xanax to calm my nerves. And it helped. I could finally begin to enjoy the little improvements that we were noticing in her. I finally smiled and laughed after almost two weeks of worry. Firday night again I used the swing and got some much needed sleep. Aside from the diaper rash and her waking up four times or so coughing I thought I had a pretty good night. Now finally that brings us to today. This morning Alexa spent a good three hours awake and relaxing. I even gave her a bath and dressed her up all cute and pretty, headband and flower included. I'm so happy that God is showing me these signs of her improvement. My heart needed it and still does. Tonight we may try taking the baby for a walk in the stroller. Mommy and baby need some fresh air. I need to feel free again.