Am I sad to see it go?

14 weeks 5 days

Today's the last day of 2009. After a bit of soul searching I was trying to figure out if I was sad to see it go. After all it is the only year I got to spend with the girls but it was also a year of much heartache and pain. But even if I'm not at a place in my healing that I can say it was the best year of my life, I hope to one day be there at that place. However, I am now pregnant and that has proven to be one of the best things that has happened this year. And as far as we know and hope this pumpkin is nice and healthy. I'm finally beginning to look forward to actually having a baby in my arms in June or July. This might actually happen. Today I am 14 weeks and 5 days. From everything I'm reading the baby is about 4 inches and 2 ounces. I'm daydreaming almost all day about the day of my ultrasound. I imagine my reaction both ways, boy and girl. And either way I'm excited. I'm excited and ready to hear some good news. I'm antsy to go shopping for some boy or girl clothes. This is going to be one fantastic birthday! It seems like so far away but yet at least in reaching distance. I can see the light at the end of the waiting tunnel. I'm also getting pretty excited to really feel the baby move. Yesterday (Dec 30th) I thought I might have felt some flutters when I was sitting on the couch. Flutters are so hard to describe but only to say it felt a bit like breaking gas bubbles. Eww! I know. But I'm really hoping it was baby. Now I only have to wait for that one "Yep, that was definitely baby" movement. For now it's still a guess. Keep growing strong in there pumpkin. Mommy and Daddy are getting excited to see you again. We love you!!

Made it to a step we never passed last time

Today was my 14 week midwives appointment. The excitement was overseen by a dark gloomy cloud that seemed to have me worried about the appointment. It was at my 16 week appointment with the girls that I brought Abby and Nathan to try and hear the heartbeat. I was so sure we'd hear it that I felt no fear about bringing them. Needless to say we didn't hear it and that's when we were sent for the disasterous ultrasound. So today I was a bit worried. Burt and the kids all came with me. I have to say it was a tight squeeze in that room but so worth it. It started out with a weight gain of negative one. YAY! I've felt so hungry lately that I thought for sure I had gained a few. Then onto my blood pressure which I believe was 120/82. Much better then last time. Then into the room for a chat with Amy. We talked about my trisomy 18 and down syndrome risks for this baby. Rewind a bit to last week when I got my results back from the blood work taken at my sequential screening. Both tests came back in the normal range, but I just had to know the ratios. My trisomy 18 risk ratio was 1:10,000. My down syndrome ratio came back at 1:255. I've been stressed about the downs risks and my meeting with Amy has put my mind at ease a bit. At first I stressed out because she said my downs test came back positive.What she meant was that for my age my ratio should be 1:600 or so and since mine came back a bit higher then that my test is considered positive. However the perinatologist who did the tesing says it was normal. Who to believe, I don't know. But Amy said something quite reassuring. She said that my chances for having a downs baby are only like one quarter of a percent. In all actuality my chances of having a baby with some other defect are probably higher. I'm just not a big fan of statistics and ratios after the last pregnancy and every statistic scares the crap out of me! So after calming me down a bit we chatted about my colposcopy. I've decided to at least meet with Dr. Troy to be checked out. Then finally was the moment I had so anxiously been waiting for. We kicked the kids off of the examination table and I hopped up. It was time to check for a heartbeat. After maybe a minute or two tops, she found it. Nice and low and beating away. I have to say it was a tense minute or two waiting to hear it but I was so relieved when we did. From this point on when I get really worried about the baby I know I can always have a heartbeat check done. Oh, what a beautiful sound!

Tick tock tick tock

As my due date for the twins approaches I find myself revisiting the heartbreaking choices website more often. I try really hard to only visit the "pregnant after AHC" message boards but something inside of me drives me to the main board. Some women there are fresh out from their terminations and some women just visit to give support. I find myself reading the stories from women who just terminated and trying to measure myself against them. I like to feel as if I've made some progress in this recovery but as my due date approaches I feel like I am again falling apart. Nobody sees it. Nobody knows about it. Just me, my girls, and I guess my new little one. I am so happy to be pregnant and yet I can't help but feeling like I should be 9 months pregnant now and less then 4 days from my due date. I should have a baby room full of pink things and two of every little pink outfit lined up in the closet. Gosh, for twins I may have already delivered and could've been sitting by the computer typing an introduction to them. But instead I sit here counting down the days until I get to know for sure that everything is okay with the new pumpkin. How do I balance both pregnancies? How do I be happy to be pregnant again and yet mourn the fact that I might still be pregnant with the girls? I keep reading on the site that after my due date passes that some sort of peace might come over me. I'm doubtful but hopeful. I'm still unsure what I want to do on their due date. When I first lost them I was sure I was going to release 18 balloons, one for each week they were with us, but now that seems so silly. I think that people might think I was weird. But I also know that my due date has lost significance after I got to thinking that either way, whether they were healthy and I was going to deliver twins or if I continued to carry them as sick as they were, I probably would've delivered before my due date. Most twin pregnancies deliver before their due date usually via c-section and even in the girls' case my pregnancy was so high risk that they probably would've been delivered a few weeks early via c-section. To me their angel day seems much more significant a day to remember. Perhaps I should really try hard to finish their scrapbook by their due date. Being so tired all of the time with this pregnancy has left me with little energy to do anything that wasn't completely necessary. If only it weren't a week before Christmas I might actually get it done. Who knows. I'm going to try really hard. Good night girls. Mommy still loves you and misses you with every inch of my being.

So much is going on

It's December and the Christmas holiday is in full swing. I'm pretty much done all my shopping and we have our tree up and decorated. For thinking that this month would be really hard for me I'm handling it surprisingly well. I have however been thinking about the girls a lot. I know that I would never have given birth to them on their due date because of the circumstances but I can't help thinking that they'd be here by now. I guess part of my mixed emotions regaurding this month is the fact that I am pregnant again already and trying to focus on the new life I have growing inside of me. I've been reluctant to pos lately because it's been an especially rough time for Burt and I. Our relationship was on shake grounds for a couple of weeks and I wasn't seeing any recovery in the near distant future. That has since changed and I feel like we are definitely in an upswing and doing better. The kids are enjoying th countdown to Christmas. We are spending lots of time watching Christmas movies and just getting in the spirit. They of course still do not know I am prenant with the newest little pumpkin and I'm excited to tell them on Christmas day. The other day at the dentist office Nathan saw a little baby boy todding around the office waiting room. Nathan was all smiles and eventually turned to me and said, "Mommy I wish Santa could bring me a baby for Christmas." My heart just melted. I wanted so badly to tell him right then and there, but I was still patiently waiting for the sequential screening to tellme how the baby was doing. But today that day has come and I had my ultrasound this morning at 10am. Burt and I were both a nervous wreck. We both kept repeating ,"This could either be a really great day or a really terrible day." And now looking back it was a FABULOUS day! On the walk to the ultrasound room Burt asked if we could videotape the ultrasound and sadly we were denied. I thought it would've been cool to show the kids the video when we told them the good news. Oh well, we tried right? So into the room we go and now I'm far enough along that an abdominal ultrasound let us see the baby just fine. She put the gel on my tummy and she starting looking around. I could barely see the screen and mentioned something to her about possibly letting me take a look after she was all done with her measurements. A small checklistgoes through my mind everytime I have an ultrasound. It starts with, is there a heartbeat? Yes there was. Second is, what is the heart rate? 158bpm. Third is, does the baby measure on at 12 weeks 2 days? Yes, baby exceeded that and measured 12 weeks 4 days. Great! After good news like that I can usually relax but this ultrasound was looking for more. The sequential screening is a combination of an ultrasound to measure the thickness of the back of the baby's neck and to check for a nasal bone. Then there is a blood test imediately following. The tech did all her measurements and Burt asked, does the measurement on the neck look good. All she said was, you'll have to talk to the doctor. Those dreaded words. I know by now that techs are not allowed to giveout much information, but c'mon! My mind immediately started racing with bad thoughts. Soon after that she handed me a towel and told us that she'd be right back. We'd heard that before and bad news soon followed. Maybe it's because we continuously keep getting put back in the "bad news" ultrasound room but I'm a complete nervous Nelly when I'm in that room. As soon as she left the room Burt and I starting rambling about how this couldn't be good. We both had that nagging feeling that something wasn't right. The wait seemed endless and I probably could've thrown up had I tried. I tried to remain positive and said maybe she just has to show the radiologist the pictures she took to make sure they wereclear enough. I was searching for anything to ease my mind. Then I saw another tech reaching for the doorknob to our room but she only touched it and turnd to go into the next room. Then the original tech came back in the room and I think he could see the stress and heartache in my eyes because she said something about calming down that everything was fine. That was all it took and the tears started rolling. She assured me again that baby was fine. I said, you btter not be lying and with that the other tech came in. The first tech just explained that the second tech was licensed in doing a specific part of the test that she was not licensed to do. I was relieved and felt good. So again with the ultraound goo and there was our baby on the screen again. I mentioned again to the new tech that I couldn't see much of the screen and asked her if she could turn the screen a bit when she was done and let me have a look. She said sure and went about meauring. I could see her typing something on the screen and leaned up a bit to see what it was. In the corner read NT 0.82mm. I knew that was good but asked just for some reassurance. She said anything under 2 is great. Then Burt mentioned something about how the baby was bouncing all over the place. I was excited to see and I think the tech knew it. She turned the screen a bit and just steadily held the transducer to my tummy. Our little pumpkin was bouncing all over. The grape soda I drank right before the ultrasound did the trick and baby was very active. It kept arching it's back and bouncing up off of my uterus. So cute. So busy! Then we watched it's arms and legs moving all over the place. Looked just like a miniature baby. No more blob for us! She zoomed in and got a few really cool profile pictures. In one we can see the nose and lips so clearly. I am totally in love. My heart was melting with every picture she printed. We were on cloud 9 as we left the room ad headed back to talk with Dr. Weiners. He of corse was quick and to the point. I no sooner sat down then I was shaking his hand and thanking him. He said baby measures great and everything looks normal. We scheduled our anatomy scan for February1st, my birthday and left to get my blood drawn. The nurse was great and explained everything about how the sequential screening works My blood is now on it's way to New Mexico and within two weeks I should get a call giving me a 1 in whatever ratio but everyone expects there to be no problems. We headed home after that but not before Burt got caught tring to kiss and hug on me in the elevator. Pretty funny. I couldn't help but feeling like I needed a trip to Babies R Us.

Why am I dreading this?

So I feel like I've been putting of posting in this blog for some reason. Every time I think about posting something inside of me whines like a baby, I don't wannnnnnaaaa!!! I think it's just the thought of updating about everything since the last post like 2 or 3 weeks ago. So here goes. Nothing much has changed. I am still preggo! Ya-hoo!! Today I am 10 weeks 2 days. Symptoms wise I'm starting to feel better. I seem to have a bit more energy. This weekend I even mustered up the energy to pull out the Christmas decorations and to decorate the outside of the apartment. That for me is a big accomplishment when only 2 weeks ago I didn't feel like moving from the couch to cook dinner. The nausea is starting to subside. Right now it seems to be back with a vengeance but I think that's because of this crappy cold have. My nose drips into the back of my throat and down into my tummy and makes me sick. Or I cough so hard that I gag myself resulting in an upset tummy also. So I think it's safe to say that my gag reflex is still super sensitive. Today I had a midwife appointment. My test results came back that I am not a carrier of cystic fibrosis. That I am O+ and that I am no longer immune to the German measles. Go figure! I have lost 4 pounds since my last appointment and my blood pressure was a bit high at 130/72. As the nurse was sending me into the bathroom for a urine sample to check for proteins in my urine I told her that Burt and I had just had a heated discussion on the phone as I was driving to my appointment. I commented about how I'm sure that's what had my blood pressure up so high. She agreed. After a quick test she came back to the room to let me know there was a minimal amount of protein there and that is normal for a pregnant woman. Note to self: practice calming breaths before my next appointment. I had my pap smear done. That's always fun! And I asked if renting a doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat at home was a waste of money. She assured me that their dopper cost $1,000 and sometimes they even have a hard time finding it and if ever I felt worried enough I could go into the office and just have a heartbeat check done. Becca is so understanding of everything I've been through. She makes that clear all the time. She is so willing to do anything to make me feel better. I am so happy I'm staying with them. I can't wait to bring my healthy, happy baby in to their office at my 6 weeks postpartum check up. God willing!! My triple screening is coming up soon. 14 more days actually. I can't wait to see this little pumpkin again. Arms waving and legs dancing, or yea and of course heart beating. Please God let this baby be healthy. I'm definitely scared but excited at the same time. Alright so updating is now officially OVER. I must go about my motherly duties. Dinner to be made, homeworks to be done, and bedtime.

What a crybaby!

I admit! I am! I'm a big crybaby! It's got to be those pregnancy hormones. Lately every baby show I watch I cry. I cry when the mother gives birth. I cry when they bring the baby home for the first time. I even cried when I checked up on the ttc with clomid board on Ivillage. I'm a mess. I think this time around I'm having every pregnancy symptom one can have. I watched pregnancy for dummies -1st trimester yesterday and could relate with every symptom they named. Frequent urination-check! Sore bb's- check! Nausea-check! Fatgue, hungry all the time, emotional- check! check! and check! Now the count down is on until my 12 week NT scan on Dec 14th. It still seems so far away but I know with each passing day I'm getting that much closer. I just can't wait to see our pumpkin actually looking like a baby. More importantly I can't wait to surprise the kids although I have to say I am a bit saddened because I know they won't be as excited as last time. I'm worried they too might be a bit reserved. I really just want to get to the stage of the game where my tummy is big and they can feel the baby kicking. Then I think it will be real to them. We've made so many trips to Babies R Us over the years that I just think this baby thing seems like it will never happen for them. I hate rushing my life but c'mon 40 weeks just get here already!! Today I am 8 weeks 3 days. I'm starting to get excited for Christmas. I love the month of December. Not only am I not concerned about money but I love the Christmas feel. I love the Christmas music in stores. I love all the good sales. And I love making memories with my babies. Although I do miss Burt being as he works so much. What's that saying again? Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Luckily his three months off work will be the most exciting times of this pregnancy. We'll be finding out the gender the end of January I believe and can start out shopping after that. So exciting!!

Rain Rain Go Away

8 weeks pregnant

So it's been raining for 4 days straight now thanks to Hurricane or Tropical Storm Ida. It's just miserable. It's so hard to get motivated these days even when the sun is shining but in the rain, it's darn near impossible. Burt's been off for the past three days. In fact he's only worked for Bob for a total of 11 hours this week. What a huge paycheck that'll be. The good news is he's very motivated and he's gone out and even gotten work done in the rain. He's even out working in it now. Only a few more weeks until tree time. Then we won't see him for almost an entire month. It's definitely a hard month for me. Essentially I am a single mom. I make the most of it though and try to schedule lots of fun christmassy stuff to do. The kids don't usually start to miss him until the very end so it's not too bad on them.

In other news, pregnancy news, like I said above I've been feeling rather unmotivated and kinda yucky these past few days. The nausea is passing. Not gagging too often now, but I think I've learned to manage it. I only start to get nauseous when I'm really hungry. As long as I eat before I get to that point I'm alright. But I do know what I want and when I want it. Before being pregnant I always had a hard time choosing what I wanted to eat. Now it just comes to me and I NEED to have it. I'm still having a bit of an issue with brushing my teeth. Some days I just wish I didn't have to. I gag and gag until I finally feel like I'm really close to throwing up and by then luckily I'm done brushing. My pants are getting snugger by the day. My jeans are just darn right uncomfortable to wear now and the tummy sleeve I bought just rolls up my tummy. We still haven't told the kids yet but I know they suspect it. They even came in the room the other night after Burt and I were having a conversation about it and Nathan said something about me being pregnant. I assured him I was not and that he was crazy. I'd really like to wait still until after the NT scan. Then I want to surprise them with a big sister and big brother t-shirt. Time is just dragging by though. I'm sure once December rolls around it will go faster but this is killing me. I just want some more reassurance that this baby is doing well in there. It's so hard to trust your body after it's betrayed you twice. Stay healthy little one. I'm excited to see you again on the 14th. Until then xoxoxo!

It came and went and I'm still smiling!

Today was the big day. Drum roll please...............We have a baby in the uterus measuring 7 weeks 1 day with a heartbeat of 153 bpm!!!! YAY! I was a nervous wreck this morning. Burt and I left at 9:00am and headed over to wawa for a pack of gum. I grabbed a bag of sour worms and downed them in the car. I was too nervous to eat breakfast but sour worms went down smoothly. We arrived at the hospital and filled out some paperwork. No sooner then two minutes after I handed in my paperwork, the u/s tech was calling us to follow her. As I followed the tech I realized we were getting closer and closer to the u/s room that we got our horrible news in with the last pregnancy. For a brief second I thought "Oh no! Not this room!" but the fear soon subsided and she told me to lay down on the table. One look at the u/s machine and I was no longer thinking about last time but about this time and this pregnancy. I laid on the table and she immediately put the transducer to my tummy. I scanned the screen and saw a gestational sac. I watched intently as she wiggled it back and forth on my tummy and I noticed a little blob in the sac. There was definitely a baby in there. Now was there a heartbeat? She started taking measurements and I just waited patiently. Burt watched the screen and asked the questions as they came to him. He kept saying, "Is there one sac? Is there one baby?" The tech was very understanding and answered the questions as he asked them. When he saw a flickering he said, "Is that the heartbeat?" She said "Yes." Thank God!! Then he asked her how fast the heartbeat was. She said "153". Then our concerns turned to whether there was one or two in the sac. She had me empty my bladder and then she did an internal u/s. You can always see a much clearer picture with an internal so I was happy. Not comfortable but happy. When she was satisfied and able to tell us it was just one she turned off the machine and stated instructing us on where to go to meet with Dr. Weiners. She tore off a strip of pictures which I assumed were for me. Silly me! And then I realized they were for the doctor. At that point I asked her if she could print me a couple and she did. I got dressed and headed back to the office. There Dr. Weiners shook out hands and congratulated us. He said it looks like one baby and everything looks great. I scheduled the triple screen u/s for Dec 14th at 10am and we left. I remember a small sense of relief but I still feel a bit reserved as far as my feelings go. I feel if I let myself get to attached I may just get hurt all over again. It's so hard to balance those feelings with the love I already have for this baby. I guess it's just really hard to believe we might actually get to bring a baby home this time. Maybe it's because the last pregnancy started out the same way. We were completely clueless at 7 weeks what we would be in store for 9 weeks later. I've got to think positively though. This baby deserves a chance to feel some optimism too! After figuring out what level we parked on (both of us were so nervous on the way in we never even checked) we headed out to lunch. Friendly's it was and boy was it delicious. We even made a pit stop at BRU and walked around checking out all the new stuff. I'm starting to get excited about telling the kids. I want to make it something special so I've gotta get creative. So there's the recap. Next milestone the u/s at 12 weeks 2 days. Can't wait to see our baby looking like a real baby. I've never had an u/s at 12 weeks and I'm so excited. 35 more sleeps to go. lol

A bundle of nerves!

Tomorrow is the big day. It could be an extremely incredible day or an absolutely horrible day. It's crazy to think that our lives boil down to a handful of absolutely horrible days and a plethora of extremely incredible days. Some days just make or break you. Tomorrow is one of them. I keep trying to imagine how it's going to go and the thought sometimes brings me to tears. First I imagine the good outcome. The one where the tech says well there's the heartbeat. Oh! And there's another heartbeat! (Or just one heartbeat, I won't be picky) And then he/she will add the baby looks great. And we'll get a great picture for the baby book and walk out of there beaming with pride. The other, not so good outcome is the one where the tech puts the transducer to my tummy and says, I'm sorry there is no baby. Or I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. You can expect to miscarry any day now. I'm just not quite sure how I'd pick up the broken pieces of my life again and walk out of that hospital. It just can't happen that way. I've been trying to look at this with the naivety of my first two pregnancies and think to myself, at 7 weeks when I was pregnant with Abby I wasn't thinking about getting an ultrasound to see if there was a baby. I assumed that everything was fine and it was. It's a shame really. When Burt and I talked about how many children we wanted I always wanted a large family. Now with our losses I can't imagine having to go through these weeks of worry ever again. The thought of how many more milestones I have to pass before I get to bring home a healthy baby is just overwhelming. I tried my best to keep my mind occupied today. I just about begged Burt to go to the zoo today just to keep me busy. My tummy had felt a bit crampy and my back was throbbing. I needed to keep any negative thoughts from my mind. So,with a bit of bribery, I talked him into going. We walked around the zoo checking out the animals that we've seen probably 25 times or so. Something about watching the animals is so peaceful to me. They have no worries. They're food is brought to them at the same time everyday. Most do nothing but lay around and bask in the sunlight. Some fight over food or territory but they're never stressed. With all the crazy thoughts piercing my brain I needed to relax so it was nice. We even waited in line for about an hour to take a ride on the zoo balloon. Burt is afraid of heights and I'm not really a big fan, but Abby was adament about going up, so we did. The day went rather smoothly and now it's almost bedtime for the kids. Ten a.m. seems like an eternity away but I've waited this long, what's one more night?! Oh God, if you're listening please grant me this miracle. I know children are a blessing. I know things happen in your time. I know I have no control over life. What more can I learn from all of these bad experiences? I just want to love another baby. Please give us a healthy baby!? Thank you.

Baked Ziti at 9am anyone else?

So I think I have my first official craving. This morning shortly after dropping the kids at school I had an overwhelming urge for Sbarros baked ziti. I tried pushing the idea out of my head being as Sbarros is all the way up at the Springfield Mall but the craving followed me all day. Finally I gave in to a bowl of buttered noodles. Carbs! My tummy has been quite nauseous today. Which is a good thing. Yesterday and the day before I had been feeling great and got really worried that something was wrong. But today I fished my wish because the nausea was back in full swing. Only 3 more sleeps to go until the ultrasound. Ugh! So many things racing through my mind. Will there be a heartbeat? Will there be two heartbeats? Will they be able to tell if it's conjoined twins again? Will they tell me my fluid looks low? So many worries being pregnant but I wouldn't give it up for the world. I knew this would be 40 weeks worth of worry. But I'm ready for it, one day at a time. I still have that wet leaking feeling. I think that has me most worried now. If I still feel like that after the u/s on Monday I may swing by the midwives just to talk with them about it. That's what they get paid the big bucks for right? Alright well my baked ziti should be here any minute. I had to make due with an order of it from Sue's Kitchen. Let's hope they can compare.

Am I leaking?!

Yea, sounds weird, but I've been having some crazy leakage of some sort. Everyone says it's normal so I'm sticking with that to ease my mind but this ultrasound can't come soon enough. I just need to know there is a healthy little baby in there. I need to know there is a heartbeat. The past two days my nausea has subsided a bit and you know that's always a cause for worry for a woman who has been through the losses I have. I just want some reassurance. I want to be able to take a nice deep breathe. I feel like these small shallow breaths are going to suffocate me. STRESS!! I had a crazy dream last night. I keep dreaming that I have or give birth to a baby girl. Last night I had a baby girl but didn't have anything for her. I was going out at 9pm to Babies R Us to buy a car seat and stroller then I was trying to go to the mall to buy her some clothes. Completely out of character actually. Everyone knows that I have enough stuff here to completely sustain a newborn for at least a month. lol The dreams are just so vivid and real. Time seems to be moving so slowly these past few days. I haven't accomplished much around the house due to lack of motivation, but I still manage to at least straighten up. Tomorrow I have jury duty. Woo-hoo!! Not looking forward to that. You know they make it mandatory because if they didn't no one would volunteer to do it. At least I don't have to worry about taking off of work but I do have to arrange for someone to drop off and pick up the kids from school. I just don't like the unknown. In fact, I think that is one of my biggest fears. I don't like spontaneity or surprise either. See, one could learn alot from me by reading all this. Alright well back to the couch for me. It just seems to be calling my name lately. It's quite chilly outside and I'm looking forward to wrapping up in a warm blanket and watching my shows. Ta ta for now!!

Another day of nausea

Today is 30 dpo. I am 6 weeks 2 days pregnant. My ticker says that the baby or babies are developing arm and leg buds and are about the size of a grain of rice. It's amazing that something so small can cause such ruckus with a mother's body. I'm exhausted and sick all day everyday. On one hand I love it because I can easily be reassured that everything is okay on the other hand my house is falling apart and my responsibilities are piling up. Today I napped on the couch for 2 hours instead of going food shopping. At least Burt is understanding and he pitches in when he sees I'm starting to get bogged down. Only 7 more sleeps until the much awaited u/s. I'm still so p in the air about whether I wish for it to be twins or just one. With one I am guaranteed to be able to stay with the midwives. With two I'll probably have to switch doctors and now that I've worked it all out with the midwives I'd really hate to leave them. But boy oh boy would twins be fun and exciting. I know I'll be even more of a nervous wreck but I definitely think they'd be worth it. But it's in God's hands. I just want a healthy baby. Two would be a bonus! Again, I send up prayers and ask my God to give us a healthy beautiful baby.

Just another manic Saturday

Yuck! The weather has been so crappy these past few days. Rainy and cloudy and dramatic! I hate it. Today is no different. It is Halloween and I know the weather makes no difference to the kids but it's putting a damper on my mood. I guess it doesn't help that everyone's been stuck in the house all day and is at each other's throats. It will do us all some good to get out and about tonight walking around collecting candy. I can't wait to be pushing a baby stroller around next year with a 4 month old baby in it. When I think of my life in terms of holidays next year it brings a tear to my eye. We've been waiting for this opportunity now for a couple years and feeling like it could be so close is a great feeling. I'm so anxious for my u/s next Monday. I can't pray hard and long enough that we see one or two beautiful little beating hearts. I remember feeling this same way before my u/s at 7 weeks 3 days with the girls. I just wanted there to be a heartbeat there so badly. It hurts to want and yearn for something so badly and to have to wait to even get the chance. For now I'm trying to live in the moment. For now I am pregnant with a perfect little baby(s). It's like a mantra I'm chanting to myself over and over. I am pregnant! I am pregnant! When we were ttc I would've given anything to just be pregnant and now that I am I can't get swept up in the next step and the next step... I need to live in the present. Be healthy little baby so we can bring you trick or treating next year with us. For now you'll come along resting comfortably in momma's tummy. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

How am I feeling about the pregnancy today: I'm feeling okay. Again it's minute by minute. I must keep reminding myself that right now I am pregnant and I must enjoy it.

Symptoms: Gassy; Burping up a bacon taste (I know TMI!!!), oh yea and I'm definitely getting a cold or something

What am I most excited for: dressing our baby up for Halloween next year and walking him/her around in the stroller while the other two run from door to door

My faith has been restored!!

From my first appointment on Oct 30th, 2009

So today at 12:30pm was my first prenatal appointment with Becca. I was a bit nervous heading back to the same doctors office visiting with the same midwife in the same room as my last visits, but surprisingly I now feel like I've continued with my healing process and I feel good instead of sad. I went to the appointment early but forgot that they're on lunch until 12:30. Soon enough though I was done filling out paper work and going back to get weighed. They checked my blood pressure which came back at 118/74. Great! Then a urine sample, and then to wait for Becca. When she came in she was as cheery as she always is and greeted me with a smile. We first started with a recap of this summer's events. She was out from surgery for most of my last few visits there so she wanted my story first hand. I told her everything. Reliving it was hard and I choked back tears quite a bit. I explained about the 16 week visit when Lindsay couldn't find a heartbeat and then the u/s at DCMH with Stefan and the initial diagnosis. I explained about the testing done at Jefferson and the final diagnosis and the D&E. We talked about how the kids handled things and how Burt and I survived. She was very interested and caring. After all the catch up talk we started talking about this pregnancy. She has my due date listed as June 24th, 2010. I told her about the u/s scheduled for Nov 9th and she added info about the sequential screening to the referral. The sequential screening includes some blood work and an u/s done at around 12 weeks and then another in depth u/s done at 18 weeks. This will rule out Trisomy 13,18, and 21. It will also rule out spina bifida. My main reason is just to know the baby is doing okay. Not only do I get to know all the test results but I get to see pumpkin and reassure myself that everything is okay. Becca seems willing to do whatever she can to make me less nervous about this pregnancy. She has really restored my faith in the midwives. I'm so happy!! I didn't want to leave their practice because I love all of them so much but I knew I needed more care then I thought they'd be willing to provide and now I'm so happy to know they agree with the extra testing. I did my initial pregnancy labs which included a test for cystic fibrosis and an HIV test. Then I got my first ever flu shot. I'm supposed to call back next Friday to see if they got any more H1N1 shots back in. I walked out of there feeling PREGNANT! Some days it's so hard to remind myself that as of right now, I AM PREGNANT. I get so caught up in what could be wrong that I forget to be grateful that I am pregnant and I have another chance. My throat is starting to hurt which worries me a bit. Please God, don't let me be getting sick. I need to be well to keep this baby(s) well. Only 10 more sleeps to go!!!

My feelings about the pregnancy today: Today I feel confident. I feel like we're going to see a heartbeat or heartbeats on that u/s next Monday. I am happy feeling pregnant. I need to enjoy it, every day of it.

Symptoms: Headache, fatigue, a bit of nausea when hungry, and trouble sleeping through the night. I've been having some crazy vivid dreams too.

What am I most looking forward to: Now that I have my insurance, and my first appointment has come and gone, I am most looking forward to the ultrasound on Monday morning. What I am least looking forward to: Jury Duty!!

The order is as follows:

1. Shannon
2. Syreeta
3. Daddy
4. Juan/Frankie
5. Andrea
6. Linda
7. Rose
8. Nana
9. Daniela

Daddy's Florida friends spread throughout that time period too!

The rest will know in due time. I'm thinking Christmas would be past the first trimester but I'll see how I feel about letting my mom and Matt know at Thanksgiving. I've almost slipped to my mom a few times already.

And an update!

So it's been a few days since I've written. I've been wanting to write. God knows I want to document everything that happens in this pregnancy but I just haven't been in the mood to type. But for now a fresh start. Today I am 25 dpo. And to date no spotting whatsoever. I've been feeling somewhat iffy about whether this baby is here to stay or not. One minute I'm so sure of it with every symptom in the book and the next minute I'm scared to death I'm going to go to the ultrasound and see nothing just a big black blob of space. I did finally get my insurance approved. Apparently she put it thru on October 23rd but I didn't know about it until October 26th. So yay for insurance!! But I did get a little bit of bad news. On Monday (26th) I called unemployment up just to check and see if I was still able to collect being as my payment was like 3 days late. The lady informed me that my balance had run out the end of September and I had no more money to collect. This couldn't have come at a worse time. Burt has had a couple weeks of rainy checks and to boot we've had large expenses this month including the kid's birthday party at Oasis, $430 worth of car repairs and $125 for a new washer.Our bills are behind and I hate catching up. I was planning on using my unemployment dig us out of the hole. If we just hang in there though December is right around the corner and we'll be in the money before we know it. So how I found out about the insurance was that I called my case worker to tell her about the change in my income and she pulled up my name and told me I already had insurance. If I wasn't so disappointed about the money I would've yelped with happiness. I immediately called to double check my member status with Keystone Mercy. When the system said I wasn't a member I hopped on with customer service. The woman there said it takes a bit to update the system but that I did indeed have insurance. I then called the midwives to make my first prenatal appointment. The RN answered the phone and recognized me as soon as I told her my name.She scheduled me for my appointment on October 30th. I will be 5 weeks 6 days. Later on that day I spoke with Bernadette about when and how to schedule my ultrasound. She gave me the number to call and I did. That appointment is for November 9th at 10am. It can't come soon enough. I have 12 more sleeps to go. Please Lord let there be a bitty baby pumpkin in there. The stress and worry of wondering has had me in a bad mood. I'm inpatient with Burt and the kids. I'm quick to snap and constantly feel jumpy. I just need to know. My symptoms come and go I think. I was starting to notice that I was going to the bathroom twice a night but then I stopped drinking water right before bed and that cut back to once a night, which still is a bit much because when I'm not pregnant I can make it through the whole night. I'm definitely noticing the horrid hemorrhoids again. I feel bloated beyond belief. Almost to the point where I am uncomfortable sitting at the computer. I'm tired and yawning all day. Today I've had an off and on headache all day and I've felt dizzy on two occasions the past two days. Today the nausea has really seemed to kick in. I've been gagging more often and just have an overall yucky tummy feeling. I'm hoping it's all for good reason. And my HCG is through the roof by now. I start thinking about when my symptoms starting kicking in when I was pregnant with the girls and I believe it was about 6 weeks. Then I start thinking well I'm almost 6 weeks now and feeling very similar symptoms. Then I start thinking maybe it's twins. Then I start freaking out. Maybe it's conjoined twins. Were my symptoms before because I was pregnant with twins or because I was pregnant with conjoined twins? Just thinking those thoughts scares me enough to want to go to sleep now and sleep for 12 days straight. Luckily I've got a lot of things planned in the next week or so. I should be occupied. Now it's time to get the kiddies in bed and time for mommy to relax and keep growing this baby or babies. Good night blog. Good night baby(s)!

Feelings about pregnancy today: Right now I'm feeling rather confident being as my stomach feels like it's been flipped upside down.

Symptoms: As previously listed above

What am I most looking forward to: First my appointment with the midwives and then more importantly MY ULTRASOUND (November 9th)

Remember that train wreck?!

Well it seems to be back. I am a total moody ball of emotions. One minute I'm mad at Burt for cutting me off mid sentence and then I'm almost in tears for no reason. Is this normal?! I know I've been less patient with the kids too. I just feel miserable. I'm sure all the stress and worry I'm having about this little pumpkin isn't helping. I'm always moody when I'm stressed. I've officially decided that if I must I'm going to pay for the u/s at 7 weeks. For my own sanity I need it. Who knows when my insurance will kick in and I don't think I could mentally stand anymore of a wait. Maybe I'll get to 7 weeks and feel like I could wait another week. And then get to 8 weeks and feel like I can still wait. Who knows? But tentatively I'm setting the u/s date for 7 weeks 2 days that will be Monday November 9th. C'mon baby! Grow! Grow! Grow! Mommy loves you already!

**Not much in the mood to answer the questions :(

The 2ww is now the 40ww

In the beginning of the ttc journey I posted a blog about how ttc is all about waiting. Little did I know at the time that my waiting would pay off with a bfp. Now I spend my sleepy days sitting at home still just waiting and slowly passing the time. I've tried to break it down into small achievable goals like making it to 7 weeks for my first ultrasound and then 12 weeks for the end of the 1st trimester...but the wait still seems excruciating! How am I going to do this? I don't even have enough energy to do fun things that might pass the time. I'm hoping that some reassurance at the ultrasound will put my mind at ease enough to wait until the 12 week mark. C'mon little baby! Now is a good time to start listening to mommy. Please be a good little pumpkin and grow nice and strong and healthy for mommy and daddy.

Feelings about pregnancy today: Today I'm feeling a bit more confident in my symptoms. I checked my ff chat and noticed that nausea didn't really kick in until about 6 weeks with the girls. But I also watched a show on the Discovery Health Channel all about conception and the growth of a fetus inside and the miracle of birth has me again a bit worried. There are just so many different things that can go wrong. How does it ever go right? I just keep reassuring myself that I've given birth to two healthy children before and I can do it again. Besides if drug addicts can make perfect babies, why couldn't I? Hey whatever works right?!

Symptoms: fatigue- I fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:45pm

What am I most looking forward to: Still waiting for insurance confirmation. I'm checking the mail everyday even though I'm sure it's going to be awhile yet.

Moms worry from the minute of conception. I am no exception.

My worry is starting to get the best of me. I knew this was going to be hard and boy is it! I just keep telling myself I can't get what I want (a baby) unless I go through this. Over and over again. How am I ever going to make it to 7 or 8 weeks without an ultrasound?! I'm so focused on my symptoms everyday. I think I'm extra tired. I think I'm gagging when I'm brushing my teeth everyday. I think I've had some bouts of nausea. I think I've had pregnancy headaches. I want symptoms so badly to prove to me that everything is fine and I hope I'm just not "wanting" them into existence. That sounds so crazy!! I wish I could remember when my symptoms really started to kick in with the girls. I've looked back at my fertility friend chart but don't really see any pattern. I wish I had a little portable ultrasound machine here at home so that I could just peak in whenever I wanted to see what's going on in there. I was considering going to get a blood draw today and then changed my mind. The really awful thought occurred to me that if I ended up having a miscarriage then I'd be stuck paying a bill for the blood draw and what a kick in the a** that would be. I may go on Monday. That would give me something to look forward to then. Until then worry, worry, worry!

Feelings about pregnancy today: As you can see from my post, my lack of symptoms has me living in fear. I want to get excited about this baby but previous experience is holding me back.

Symptoms: Gagging when brushing teeth, tired, yawning lots, cranky, bloated

What am I most looking forward to: Possibly getting HCG blood draw on Monday

It's a girl! SIKE!

I'm always looking for things to pass the time. These next few weeks are going to drag and I'm already feeling the effects. I spend all my free time on the June 2010 expecting club board. It makes me feel pregnant. But it kills me to see all these women getting their ultrasounds and checking on their babies when I'm so desperate to know that our baby or babies are okay. If only I had a fast forward button. So today in the midst of killing some time I checked out a website that using the mothers age at conception and the month of conception to predict whether you will have a boy or a girl. And as you can see from the title, I was predicted a girl. Deep down inside I do want a girl, but after all of our losses, I'd be perfectly happy with whatever God thinks we should have.

Feelings about pregnancy today: Today I took a trip to Target and picked up a new pregnancy book. As I flipped through the pages I stopped on a section about ectopic pregnancies. It scared the crap out of me. As if my mind doesn't wander enough on it's own. I just need to keep reminding myself that more often then not pregnancy goes just fine. On a positive note though, today we came across a swarm of ladybugs. All I could think was if I could just touch one maybe I would have some good luck. You know I held one for like 5 minutes.

Symptoms: Headache, dizziness, crankiness

What am I most looking forward to: Can't wait to see that flickering light on the ultrasound screen. PRICELESS!

I've made the jump.

So the estimated due date of AF has come and gone. She would've been here by Saturday and she didn't show. No surprise there with six very positive pregnancy tests to keep her away. Passing that day though is a big milestone for me. Now onto other milestones. I will make it through this pregnancy one milestone at a time. Next is the countdown to the ultrasound I'm hoping to get at 7 weeks. Please God give us a beautifully beating heart. I still need to wait for insurance approval but at least I know I'm getting there. Today I went to Borders in search of a new pregnancy journal. I loved the one I had for my pregnancy with the girls but I couldn't bring myself to buy the same one. Too many scary thoughts associated with it. Instead I found one that I think I like even more. It's called "My Pregnancy Journal: Celebrating the most memorable nine months of your life!" It is the most detailed book I could find. It has a million questions to answer and covers all three trimesters. It even comes with frames for any pictures I'd like to add. It couldn't be more perfect. I'm in keepsake mode and I'm loving it. This blog has been the best keepsake of all. I decided today that I'd print out each entry and post it in a three ring binder. There I will keep all the thoughts and fears until my baby is here sleeping in my arms. I should start a mini questionnaire that I could answer every day. Let's see here:

Feelings about pregnancy today: I'm feeling really confident now after the last HPT showing up rather quickly and getting really dark.

Symptoms: fatigue, bloated, headache, mild nausea

What am I most looking forward to: Getting approval for insurance and then getting to see our little pumpkin with a beating heart on the ultrasound screen.

A review

Daddy's pumpkin surprise!

I don't have a pregnancy journal yet for this pregnancy. I'm almost afraid to jinx myself so I haven't yet made the purchase. So I really need to recap things here before I forget.

On Oct 11th (Sunday) I was 8dpo. My temp had dipped that morning. I knew that was either a really really good sign (implantation dip) or the beginning of a really bad thing (AF). I did however notice that when I brushed ,my teeth before church I started gagging. For me that was one of the earliest symptoms I had when I was pregnant with the girls. I just knew I was pregnant. That night I had decided to do another dollar store HPT. I snuck into the bedroom to check it every few minutes. The wait was torture even though I knew the chances of it being positive this soon were slim to none. But to my surprise, I thought I had noticed a second line appearing. A very very very faint line. One that any normal non HPT testing fool would not even notice. If I had showed Burt that test he would've thought I was crazy. I knew what I had to do. I had to go to Walmart in the morning to get a FRER.

On Oct 12th (Monday) I was 9dpo. My temp that morning had shot back up. In fact it was higher then any other day in that same cycle. I had a wonderful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I got up at 7am after temping and peed in a cup to save. I used one last dollar store HPT. I had a hard time seeing a line though. The one from the night before (8dpo) now had a faint but very noticeable line on it. I thought for sure it was an evaporation line but hoped I was wrong. The kids were home from school this day so I waited for Burt to leave for work and we headed to Walmart bright and early. I think we got back around 9:30am and I tested right away. I checked the time and sat at the computer with the test right next to me. I swore to myself that I wouldn't check it until 9 minutes had passed. I didn't want to look at it half way through and see no line, be disappointed and then wait an additional 5 minutes to really confirm a BFN. At the 9 minute mark hit I picked up the test and headed towards the bedroom light. I glanced at the test and couldn't initially see a line. Once I got to the light I twisted and tilted the test in every which direction. Finally I noticed it! There was a line! I couldn't contain my excitement and I had to call someone although Burt and I had decided to keep it a secret. As soon as I told her I felt a sense of disappointment in myself. Burt should've known first but I wanted to do something cute to surprise him with the news. I just knew I wouldn't be able to whip something up soon enough. I would've exploded had I not told someone. Shannon of course was cautiously excited. We started tossing ideas back and forth on how I could tell Burt. I must've looked at that HPT 20 times that day. I hoped the line would get darker but it was still really faint. Even if I had wanted to tell Burt that day I would also have never shown him this test. He might've saw the line but he would've been very pessimistic because of how light it was. He wouldn't of understood that I was only 9dpo!! AMAZING!!

On Oct 13th (Tuesday) I was 10dpo. My temp again stayed super high and I was happy. I woke up at 7am and peed in a cup again. I dipped a FRER and watched the clock. This time though I also had to be getting the kids ready for school. In between getting the toaster down to make waffles and waking up Nathan I checked on the test periodically. After a few minutes I started to notice a second line. Then the next time I checked it was getting darker. And darker. And darker. Finally at the ten minute mark it was a clear positive. I was pregnant and had the test to prove it to anyone who doubted it. I actually carried the test in my jean pocked and on the walk home from dropping the kids off at school I showed Shannon. She said, "Girl! You're pregnant!". It was music to my ears. Another trip to Walmart produced a second box of 3 FRER's and a 2 pack of Clearblue Easy digitals. I had been holding it in for like 4 hours when I finally got home and just had to use a digital. I dipped the stick and again waited. The little hourglass blinks for what seems like hours. And then it appeared. "Pregnant". I love those tests. Earlier in the day I had come up with an idea to surprise Burt and I ran it by Shannon. I had decided to go with a seasonal idea. I picked up a small pumpkin from Produce Junction. I then cleaned out the inside of it. Carved two triangle eyes, and a rectangle nose. I even carved a little square for a mouth and shoved in a real binky. I then drew a little curlie cue for hair and stuck an "I love daddy" bib around the bottom of it. I took tons of pictures. I even tied a little note to the stem of the pumpkin reading "The 3rd time is the charm babe. I'm pregnant!". I then stuck the digital HPT inside just in case he still didn't get it. The hardest part of this day was waiting for Burt to get home from work. At about 5:30 I set the pumpkin up on his dresser and locked my bedroom door. I couldn't let the kids see. They can't know yet. When Burt finally came home I told him I had a surprise for him. I opened the door and peeked in. He was like "Is there a live animal in there or something?!" I then told him his surprise was on his dresser. And that he should take a look and tell me what he thought. He walked in, looked at it, looked at me, and smiled. He looked confused. He said, "It's a baby pumpkin." I said, "Okay, well look inside of it." He looked inside saw a HPT and said, "You're pregnant!" I couldn't contain myself anymore. I was smiling from ear to ear. He even posed for a picture with our new little pumpkin.

On Oct 14th (Wednesday) I was 11 dpo. I woke up and my temp had dipped a bit. I of course was scared out of my mind. I then went ahead and did another FRER with my FMU. It was only 6:30am. I had woken up because I was anxious to test again and just couldn't sleep. So at 6:30 I sat on the couch and waited. Three minutes in there was a second line but it didn't seem to be getting very dark. Again I checked and it was getting darker but still seemed lighter or maybe just as dark as the one from 10dpo. My heart was sinking fast and I just prayed for it to continue getting darker. By the end of the 10 minute mark I was comparing the two tests side by side. The one from 11 dpo seemed to be more solid but didn't look much darker. It was hard to get motivated that morning. For the first time since I had gotten a positive HPT I was feeling a little pessimistic. After getting the kids to school I knew I had to get myself over to the midwives to get a pregnancy confirmation letter. After all I was pregnant. There were two lines. The midwives only do walk-in pregnancy tests until 11:30 am so I headed that way around 11am. I didn't want to go to early because I wanted the HCG to have a chance to build back up in my urine. I walked into the office, told them why I was there, filled out some paper work, and peed in a cup.I checked my phone for the time. It was 11:24am. I knew my test would be complete by 11:34am. I was definitely nervous this time. Not nervous like the first time when I was pregnant with Abby, but not confident in the tests like I was with the twins. I thought maybe their HPT's might not be as sensitive. I couldn't have handled it if they had come out and told me it was negative. Finally Bernadette came out to the waiting room. She looked right at me and said, "C'mon back!" I said to her, "It's never a good thing when the midwife knows exactly who you are and doesn't even have to call your name." She said, "Sure it is!" We went into a little conference room and she said, "What kind of protection are you using?" (my heart sank why would I need protection if the test was positive?) Then she said, "I mean were you using?" I looked at her and said, "I guess that means it's positive?" A feeling of relief washed over me as she held up the test from across the rug and I could see two lines. She then tossed the test in the trash. We sat and chatted for a few minutes about when my last period was, when the D&E was, and when we had sex. I told her we only had sex that one time. I wasn't in the mood to hear any lectures about how we should've waited. She didn't seem upset at all though. In fact I got many congratulations from her. We talked briefly about how my care would be if I did continue with the midwives for the pregnancy and how I would get my first ultrasound at 7 weeks. She even said they would send me to the 4th floor, perinatology, for the scan. They have better ultrasound machines there. I left her office that day feeling very content. I immediately chirped Burt at work to tell him the good news. Unfortunately I forgot to tell him to put his phone on private and I blurted out "I got my pregnancy confirmation!" and Juan and Frankie both heard me. So much for our little secret. The both promised not to tell anyone. I guess we'll have to trust them. Later on at 2:30pm I had just finished cleaning out my top drawer and found 4 internet cheapie HPT's. I couldn't resist and took them. I dipped on in the pee I still had sitting from this morning. And I peed and dipped the other one in that. It had only been 3 hours since I had peed so I knew it might not be as dark as the FMU one. I was definitely surprised though when both tests showed up really really faint. The one from the FMU was noticeably darker then the one from the recent pee. Again, my heart sank and I couldn't shake the pessimism. I was instantly cranky. I knew I'd have to wait at least 5 hours to test again. Five hours of waiting to know whether or not your baby is going to make it seems like a lifetime. I was grouchy and snappy. I finally clued Burt in so he knew to take it easy on me. Come 7:30pm (5 hours later) I was in the bathroom peeing in a cup. I dipped it and set the kitchen clock. I once again vowed to wait the entire 9 minutes until I looked at it. When I did I knew it was darker. I didn't even have to hold the tests side by side, but when I did I was again consumed with comfort. This baby is here to stay.

On Oct 15th (Thursday) I was 12 dpo. When I woke up my temperature had went back up a bit. I didn't even have the urge to POAS. I was comfortable with my status: PREGNANT.

On Oct 16th (Friday) I was 13dpo. When I woke up Friday my worry got the best of me again and I took out one more FRER. I dipped and sat on the couch again waiting. I was feeling mostly confident but there's always a sense of fear when I know I'm taking it to compare to another one. At the 8 minute mark I looked down at the test. It was dark. But was it darker then 11dpo? I couldn't be sure. My adrenaline started pumping. I decided I'd wait a couple more minutes and check it again, but after waiting the line seemed no darker. I tried to logically reason with myself in my head. HCG doubles every 48 hours. Maybe it just hadn't doubled yet. Maybe the test just didn't have as much dye. It was my baby boy's birthday and I was determined not to ruin it with worry. I just decided to test later in the day after holding it for five hours again. Later in the day came and went and I didn't have the urge to test. I could lie and just say I was confident but I think it was only because I was so busy with everything else that I had little time to think about it.

On Oct 17th (Saturday) I was 14dpo. We had left for the weekend for a mini vacation in Maryland at Andrea's house. This would be good for me. I didn't pack my alarm clock and I left my thermometer at home on the night stand. No more temping. I did however bring my last HPT but never chalked up the courage to pee on a stick in someone else's bathroom. This was the first day I started feeling really fatigued.

On Oct 18th (Sunday) I was 15dpo. I woke up three times throughout the night having to pee. Could this be another symptom? Please keep 'em coming! Later on that night I had a serious bought with nausea. Nothing that a foot long turkey and ham sandwich couldn't fix.

On Oct 19th (Monday) I was 16dpo. I woke up 10 minutes early and was determined to use the last FRER. I had been patient all weekend but I really needed to see that super dark line to feel good. I dipped and waited. A ritual that I've become too accustomed too. I started walking out into the kitchen to set the oven timer and glanced at the test. The test line had shown up before the control line and was already twice as dark. Nothing could've made me happier. I even decided I should go buy a pregnancy journal.

****This will be edited several times to add other important dates.****

okay..so there is a line!

After the could be a line/ could not be a line tests last night, I woke up this morning and checked my temperature and sure enough it shot right up there. I got up and headed to the bathroom for a HPT check. I used another $ store test and thought I saw a glimmer of a line again. By this time I thought that I couldn't possibly be imagining two faint faint faint lines. So, I saved my FMU. At 9am me and the kids headed over to Walmart and I picked up a 3 pack of FRER's. I came home, removed my FMU from the fridge (yea, I know...a new low but I ead on peeonastick.com that after time the HCG in your urine starts to break down unless kept cold) and tested. At first the window didn't start to turn pink. It just stayed white. I'm assuming that was because it was cold. Then after 30 seconds or so I saw the pink control line forming. I brought the test to the computer desk and I set off on the internet to occupy myself for 9 minutes. It wa so hard not to glance down at that test. But finally 9 minutes past and I brought the test over to the light. It was very hard to see at first but once I saw it I saw it everytime I looked. If I look at it in natural sunlight I can definately see a line. So once again I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this line is darker tomorrow. I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I got too excited. How could I not pissbly tell anyone until christmas time?! That seems forever away! So I broke down and told Shannon. Now I'm on a mission to find a fun clever way to tell Burt. I'm thinking the carved baby pumpkin with a binky in it's mouth would be pretty cute. I'm feeling pretty nervous right about now. I have a feeling in the back of my mind saying this is just a chemical pregnancy but I'm trying my hardest to push that thought away! Sticky baby bean vibes welcome!

Could I will it to be?

Okay so today is 8dpo. And as I think I mentioned before, I have been testing since 6dpo. I've had pretty high temps and I'm hoping that the corpus luteum is working it's progesterone magic. Yesterday I thought I saw something, but convinced myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. And then tonight I took another $ store test which I think I might see a line where one s supposed to be. It's so confusing. If it's there, it's the most faint BFP I've ever seen. Tomorrow morning I plan on taking another $ store HPT and saving my FMU until I can buy a FRER later on. But you know that if I see even a glimmer of a second pink line there tomorrow that I will be at Walmart waiting for the doors to open. Thankfully Burt has work tomorrow and I can pull off a quicky Walmart run, poas, and then decide on the creative way I want to tell him. I'm getting excited but I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that this just may be an evaporation line and that AF will show in a few days. BUT fingers crossed that tomorrow proves me wrong and I see a bit of a darker line. C'mon baby! Implant!! Implant!!

I HATE THIS!!

I hate feeling stuck! I hate feeling like I have to deal with something because I don't have the financial means to get out of it. I swore to myself many years ago that I would never be in that predicament again and here I am. I know this relationship is doomed. I know it's not going to go anywhere. I know I'll still be dealing with this same drama years from now and I know I can't take it anymore. I'm sick to my stomach with worry. Worrying about my future and my kids future. How can I live trusting that my life could be in shambles in one day? That my entire existence rests on one unpredictable person? Where do I go from here? If you would've told me 7 years ago that this is what I'd be thinking and typing would I have gone through with it? I suppose I would have. For one because if I hadn't I would not have my son. But for two because nobody could tell me anything then. Nobody would've convinced me. I was in love and none of his flaws mattered. Fast forward to today and I still love him but wonder where to go from here?

As for other news...I'm 6 dpo today and definitely feeling like this is not my month. How could my little baby make it through this stress? Have I failed my baby even before it had a chance? The tears just won't stop flowing now. I need a break.

STRESS!!

I don't know how productive it is to be trying to conceive when I'm completely stressed out for two days. Burt is being his usual jealous self and it's just really hard to deal with. Having someone constantly attack your character is tiring. I've been trying to be less dramatic then he is in hopes that lowering the stress level will help the little embie implant. I know I'll be so resentful if I don't end up pregnant this month. I'll swear it is because of the stress.

Today I am 5 dpo. My temp shot up drastically this morning. I couldn't have been happier. I did a chart overlay with my chart from my last pregnancy and today's temp was only off by like .03 or something. My symptoms are the same and I've still got positive energy. And boy was I exhausted today. I know at this point it's probably just the progesterone plaguing me but I am looking forward to some more symptoms. C'mon 1ww. I plan on starting to test on Tuesday the 13th. I'll be 10dpo at that point. Fingers crossed I see something right away. I don't know if I could live through a BFN at this stage of the game. Please God give me a June baby.

They say it's good luck!

Well, where to start? It's only 9am and I've got something to talk about? That's never good. So I woke up this morning and took my temperature as always and it was only 98.12. This of course threw me for a loop because it started out so high on 1dpo. Now it has continued to drop. I couldn't be expecting AF just 4 days past ovulation so I'm crossing my fingers that it's a good sign. I have a little nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach saying that I'm going to be pregnant . It's a different feeling then being optimistic it's just a gut feelig telling me to relax everything is fine. The problem is I am much to superstitious to say it out loud so here it will sit under wraps and secretly hidden. I've been having this slightly nagging pain in my left ovary. If I remember correctly it's the same pain I had the month I conceived the twins. Fingers crossed everything is going just the way it should be. Oh yea, I almost forgot. The second thing that happened to today that gives me reason to be blogging so early this morning is that a wonderful little birdie decided that my head was going to be it's dumping ground this morning. I was standing at he bus stop waiting for Nate's bus when all of a sudden I felt what seemed like a large drop of water fall onto my head. I said to Abby, "That better not have been bird poo!". Minutes later Shannon came out and said, "Look at me. Bend down." And sure enough she confirmed what I had originally thought. Bird poo!!! She stayed at the stop with Nate and Abby while I ran home to have Burt help we wash it out. How embarrassing!! I think the only thing that helped me keep my composser was this little voice in the back of my head saying, it's good luck! So I continued to chant that over and over. Please God let it be good luck. We just want a healthy little baby. Pink or blue, either will do!

Train wreck coming through...

I'm beginning to think I'm a hormonal train wreck. My emotions have been all over today, but mostly sad and teary eyed. I've been working on the girls' scrapbook. And I know that has something to do with it. My new mission is to get it done before I take even one hpt. I feel like that chapter in my book (no pun intended) must be closed before I open another one. It is so hard to be trying to conceive again. And I knew it would be. But attempting to do this book and being in the 2ww are just a recipe for emotional disaster. Every page I finish just hurts a little more. I want so much to have all their things in one beautiful keepsake but actually doing it makes me feel like I'm one step closer to forgetting them. In other news, Burt and I have been fighting like cats and dogs. I don't know how it's going to be possible for our precious little embie(s) to implant in there with such a stressful and traumatic environment. I spent a little time tonight trying to explain to him just how hard this is for me. I don't think he gets it, of course, but at least he pretended to listen. I thought for a slight second that he was comprehending but that all came crashing down when I attempted to show him the pages of the scrapbook that I got finished and he started huffing and puffing. He says he didn't mean to if he did, but he doesn't think he did. Even worse! He did it subconsciously without even meaning too! I wish he could feel the pain in my heart for just one day. He might just take it easy on me.

Abby got her second tooth pulled today. She was pretty nervous but did awesome! Today was picture day for my big kindergartner. I hope he smiled nice and opened his big blue eyes nice and wide.

Well I can't stop yawning and I just know my headache won't go away until I'm asleep so I must turn in for the night. Thanks for listening. Again. Oh yea but before I forget...I want to do a symptom check everyday. Just to make myself a bit more crazy. Today is 3dpo and I've had a killer headache for about 5 hours now. My back is throbbing and as you can see I'm an emotional wreck. If that weren't enough I am so bloated probably due to he gas factor. Sorry, TMI! Until tomorrow!

Good night my angel baby girls! I love you with every fiber of my being. xoxo