A bundle of nerves!

Tomorrow is the big day. It could be an extremely incredible day or an absolutely horrible day. It's crazy to think that our lives boil down to a handful of absolutely horrible days and a plethora of extremely incredible days. Some days just make or break you. Tomorrow is one of them. I keep trying to imagine how it's going to go and the thought sometimes brings me to tears. First I imagine the good outcome. The one where the tech says well there's the heartbeat. Oh! And there's another heartbeat! (Or just one heartbeat, I won't be picky) And then he/she will add the baby looks great. And we'll get a great picture for the baby book and walk out of there beaming with pride. The other, not so good outcome is the one where the tech puts the transducer to my tummy and says, I'm sorry there is no baby. Or I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. You can expect to miscarry any day now. I'm just not quite sure how I'd pick up the broken pieces of my life again and walk out of that hospital. It just can't happen that way. I've been trying to look at this with the naivety of my first two pregnancies and think to myself, at 7 weeks when I was pregnant with Abby I wasn't thinking about getting an ultrasound to see if there was a baby. I assumed that everything was fine and it was. It's a shame really. When Burt and I talked about how many children we wanted I always wanted a large family. Now with our losses I can't imagine having to go through these weeks of worry ever again. The thought of how many more milestones I have to pass before I get to bring home a healthy baby is just overwhelming. I tried my best to keep my mind occupied today. I just about begged Burt to go to the zoo today just to keep me busy. My tummy had felt a bit crampy and my back was throbbing. I needed to keep any negative thoughts from my mind. So,with a bit of bribery, I talked him into going. We walked around the zoo checking out the animals that we've seen probably 25 times or so. Something about watching the animals is so peaceful to me. They have no worries. They're food is brought to them at the same time everyday. Most do nothing but lay around and bask in the sunlight. Some fight over food or territory but they're never stressed. With all the crazy thoughts piercing my brain I needed to relax so it was nice. We even waited in line for about an hour to take a ride on the zoo balloon. Burt is afraid of heights and I'm not really a big fan, but Abby was adament about going up, so we did. The day went rather smoothly and now it's almost bedtime for the kids. Ten a.m. seems like an eternity away but I've waited this long, what's one more night?! Oh God, if you're listening please grant me this miracle. I know children are a blessing. I know things happen in your time. I know I have no control over life. What more can I learn from all of these bad experiences? I just want to love another baby. Please give us a healthy baby!? Thank you.