Tick tock tick tock

As my due date for the twins approaches I find myself revisiting the heartbreaking choices website more often. I try really hard to only visit the "pregnant after AHC" message boards but something inside of me drives me to the main board. Some women there are fresh out from their terminations and some women just visit to give support. I find myself reading the stories from women who just terminated and trying to measure myself against them. I like to feel as if I've made some progress in this recovery but as my due date approaches I feel like I am again falling apart. Nobody sees it. Nobody knows about it. Just me, my girls, and I guess my new little one. I am so happy to be pregnant and yet I can't help but feeling like I should be 9 months pregnant now and less then 4 days from my due date. I should have a baby room full of pink things and two of every little pink outfit lined up in the closet. Gosh, for twins I may have already delivered and could've been sitting by the computer typing an introduction to them. But instead I sit here counting down the days until I get to know for sure that everything is okay with the new pumpkin. How do I balance both pregnancies? How do I be happy to be pregnant again and yet mourn the fact that I might still be pregnant with the girls? I keep reading on the site that after my due date passes that some sort of peace might come over me. I'm doubtful but hopeful. I'm still unsure what I want to do on their due date. When I first lost them I was sure I was going to release 18 balloons, one for each week they were with us, but now that seems so silly. I think that people might think I was weird. But I also know that my due date has lost significance after I got to thinking that either way, whether they were healthy and I was going to deliver twins or if I continued to carry them as sick as they were, I probably would've delivered before my due date. Most twin pregnancies deliver before their due date usually via c-section and even in the girls' case my pregnancy was so high risk that they probably would've been delivered a few weeks early via c-section. To me their angel day seems much more significant a day to remember. Perhaps I should really try hard to finish their scrapbook by their due date. Being so tired all of the time with this pregnancy has left me with little energy to do anything that wasn't completely necessary. If only it weren't a week before Christmas I might actually get it done. Who knows. I'm going to try really hard. Good night girls. Mommy still loves you and misses you with every inch of my being.