Just another manic Saturday

Yuck! The weather has been so crappy these past few days. Rainy and cloudy and dramatic! I hate it. Today is no different. It is Halloween and I know the weather makes no difference to the kids but it's putting a damper on my mood. I guess it doesn't help that everyone's been stuck in the house all day and is at each other's throats. It will do us all some good to get out and about tonight walking around collecting candy. I can't wait to be pushing a baby stroller around next year with a 4 month old baby in it. When I think of my life in terms of holidays next year it brings a tear to my eye. We've been waiting for this opportunity now for a couple years and feeling like it could be so close is a great feeling. I'm so anxious for my u/s next Monday. I can't pray hard and long enough that we see one or two beautiful little beating hearts. I remember feeling this same way before my u/s at 7 weeks 3 days with the girls. I just wanted there to be a heartbeat there so badly. It hurts to want and yearn for something so badly and to have to wait to even get the chance. For now I'm trying to live in the moment. For now I am pregnant with a perfect little baby(s). It's like a mantra I'm chanting to myself over and over. I am pregnant! I am pregnant! When we were ttc I would've given anything to just be pregnant and now that I am I can't get swept up in the next step and the next step... I need to live in the present. Be healthy little baby so we can bring you trick or treating next year with us. For now you'll come along resting comfortably in momma's tummy. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

How am I feeling about the pregnancy today: I'm feeling okay. Again it's minute by minute. I must keep reminding myself that right now I am pregnant and I must enjoy it.

Symptoms: Gassy; Burping up a bacon taste (I know TMI!!!), oh yea and I'm definitely getting a cold or something

What am I most excited for: dressing our baby up for Halloween next year and walking him/her around in the stroller while the other two run from door to door

My faith has been restored!!

From my first appointment on Oct 30th, 2009

So today at 12:30pm was my first prenatal appointment with Becca. I was a bit nervous heading back to the same doctors office visiting with the same midwife in the same room as my last visits, but surprisingly I now feel like I've continued with my healing process and I feel good instead of sad. I went to the appointment early but forgot that they're on lunch until 12:30. Soon enough though I was done filling out paper work and going back to get weighed. They checked my blood pressure which came back at 118/74. Great! Then a urine sample, and then to wait for Becca. When she came in she was as cheery as she always is and greeted me with a smile. We first started with a recap of this summer's events. She was out from surgery for most of my last few visits there so she wanted my story first hand. I told her everything. Reliving it was hard and I choked back tears quite a bit. I explained about the 16 week visit when Lindsay couldn't find a heartbeat and then the u/s at DCMH with Stefan and the initial diagnosis. I explained about the testing done at Jefferson and the final diagnosis and the D&E. We talked about how the kids handled things and how Burt and I survived. She was very interested and caring. After all the catch up talk we started talking about this pregnancy. She has my due date listed as June 24th, 2010. I told her about the u/s scheduled for Nov 9th and she added info about the sequential screening to the referral. The sequential screening includes some blood work and an u/s done at around 12 weeks and then another in depth u/s done at 18 weeks. This will rule out Trisomy 13,18, and 21. It will also rule out spina bifida. My main reason is just to know the baby is doing okay. Not only do I get to know all the test results but I get to see pumpkin and reassure myself that everything is okay. Becca seems willing to do whatever she can to make me less nervous about this pregnancy. She has really restored my faith in the midwives. I'm so happy!! I didn't want to leave their practice because I love all of them so much but I knew I needed more care then I thought they'd be willing to provide and now I'm so happy to know they agree with the extra testing. I did my initial pregnancy labs which included a test for cystic fibrosis and an HIV test. Then I got my first ever flu shot. I'm supposed to call back next Friday to see if they got any more H1N1 shots back in. I walked out of there feeling PREGNANT! Some days it's so hard to remind myself that as of right now, I AM PREGNANT. I get so caught up in what could be wrong that I forget to be grateful that I am pregnant and I have another chance. My throat is starting to hurt which worries me a bit. Please God, don't let me be getting sick. I need to be well to keep this baby(s) well. Only 10 more sleeps to go!!!

My feelings about the pregnancy today: Today I feel confident. I feel like we're going to see a heartbeat or heartbeats on that u/s next Monday. I am happy feeling pregnant. I need to enjoy it, every day of it.

Symptoms: Headache, fatigue, a bit of nausea when hungry, and trouble sleeping through the night. I've been having some crazy vivid dreams too.

What am I most looking forward to: Now that I have my insurance, and my first appointment has come and gone, I am most looking forward to the ultrasound on Monday morning. What I am least looking forward to: Jury Duty!!

The order is as follows:

1. Shannon
2. Syreeta
3. Daddy
4. Juan/Frankie
5. Andrea
6. Linda
7. Rose
8. Nana
9. Daniela

Daddy's Florida friends spread throughout that time period too!

The rest will know in due time. I'm thinking Christmas would be past the first trimester but I'll see how I feel about letting my mom and Matt know at Thanksgiving. I've almost slipped to my mom a few times already.

And an update!

So it's been a few days since I've written. I've been wanting to write. God knows I want to document everything that happens in this pregnancy but I just haven't been in the mood to type. But for now a fresh start. Today I am 25 dpo. And to date no spotting whatsoever. I've been feeling somewhat iffy about whether this baby is here to stay or not. One minute I'm so sure of it with every symptom in the book and the next minute I'm scared to death I'm going to go to the ultrasound and see nothing just a big black blob of space. I did finally get my insurance approved. Apparently she put it thru on October 23rd but I didn't know about it until October 26th. So yay for insurance!! But I did get a little bit of bad news. On Monday (26th) I called unemployment up just to check and see if I was still able to collect being as my payment was like 3 days late. The lady informed me that my balance had run out the end of September and I had no more money to collect. This couldn't have come at a worse time. Burt has had a couple weeks of rainy checks and to boot we've had large expenses this month including the kid's birthday party at Oasis, $430 worth of car repairs and $125 for a new washer.Our bills are behind and I hate catching up. I was planning on using my unemployment dig us out of the hole. If we just hang in there though December is right around the corner and we'll be in the money before we know it. So how I found out about the insurance was that I called my case worker to tell her about the change in my income and she pulled up my name and told me I already had insurance. If I wasn't so disappointed about the money I would've yelped with happiness. I immediately called to double check my member status with Keystone Mercy. When the system said I wasn't a member I hopped on with customer service. The woman there said it takes a bit to update the system but that I did indeed have insurance. I then called the midwives to make my first prenatal appointment. The RN answered the phone and recognized me as soon as I told her my name.She scheduled me for my appointment on October 30th. I will be 5 weeks 6 days. Later on that day I spoke with Bernadette about when and how to schedule my ultrasound. She gave me the number to call and I did. That appointment is for November 9th at 10am. It can't come soon enough. I have 12 more sleeps to go. Please Lord let there be a bitty baby pumpkin in there. The stress and worry of wondering has had me in a bad mood. I'm inpatient with Burt and the kids. I'm quick to snap and constantly feel jumpy. I just need to know. My symptoms come and go I think. I was starting to notice that I was going to the bathroom twice a night but then I stopped drinking water right before bed and that cut back to once a night, which still is a bit much because when I'm not pregnant I can make it through the whole night. I'm definitely noticing the horrid hemorrhoids again. I feel bloated beyond belief. Almost to the point where I am uncomfortable sitting at the computer. I'm tired and yawning all day. Today I've had an off and on headache all day and I've felt dizzy on two occasions the past two days. Today the nausea has really seemed to kick in. I've been gagging more often and just have an overall yucky tummy feeling. I'm hoping it's all for good reason. And my HCG is through the roof by now. I start thinking about when my symptoms starting kicking in when I was pregnant with the girls and I believe it was about 6 weeks. Then I start thinking well I'm almost 6 weeks now and feeling very similar symptoms. Then I start thinking maybe it's twins. Then I start freaking out. Maybe it's conjoined twins. Were my symptoms before because I was pregnant with twins or because I was pregnant with conjoined twins? Just thinking those thoughts scares me enough to want to go to sleep now and sleep for 12 days straight. Luckily I've got a lot of things planned in the next week or so. I should be occupied. Now it's time to get the kiddies in bed and time for mommy to relax and keep growing this baby or babies. Good night blog. Good night baby(s)!

Feelings about pregnancy today: Right now I'm feeling rather confident being as my stomach feels like it's been flipped upside down.

Symptoms: As previously listed above

What am I most looking forward to: First my appointment with the midwives and then more importantly MY ULTRASOUND (November 9th)

Remember that train wreck?!

Well it seems to be back. I am a total moody ball of emotions. One minute I'm mad at Burt for cutting me off mid sentence and then I'm almost in tears for no reason. Is this normal?! I know I've been less patient with the kids too. I just feel miserable. I'm sure all the stress and worry I'm having about this little pumpkin isn't helping. I'm always moody when I'm stressed. I've officially decided that if I must I'm going to pay for the u/s at 7 weeks. For my own sanity I need it. Who knows when my insurance will kick in and I don't think I could mentally stand anymore of a wait. Maybe I'll get to 7 weeks and feel like I could wait another week. And then get to 8 weeks and feel like I can still wait. Who knows? But tentatively I'm setting the u/s date for 7 weeks 2 days that will be Monday November 9th. C'mon baby! Grow! Grow! Grow! Mommy loves you already!

**Not much in the mood to answer the questions :(

The 2ww is now the 40ww

In the beginning of the ttc journey I posted a blog about how ttc is all about waiting. Little did I know at the time that my waiting would pay off with a bfp. Now I spend my sleepy days sitting at home still just waiting and slowly passing the time. I've tried to break it down into small achievable goals like making it to 7 weeks for my first ultrasound and then 12 weeks for the end of the 1st trimester...but the wait still seems excruciating! How am I going to do this? I don't even have enough energy to do fun things that might pass the time. I'm hoping that some reassurance at the ultrasound will put my mind at ease enough to wait until the 12 week mark. C'mon little baby! Now is a good time to start listening to mommy. Please be a good little pumpkin and grow nice and strong and healthy for mommy and daddy.

Feelings about pregnancy today: Today I'm feeling a bit more confident in my symptoms. I checked my ff chat and noticed that nausea didn't really kick in until about 6 weeks with the girls. But I also watched a show on the Discovery Health Channel all about conception and the growth of a fetus inside and the miracle of birth has me again a bit worried. There are just so many different things that can go wrong. How does it ever go right? I just keep reassuring myself that I've given birth to two healthy children before and I can do it again. Besides if drug addicts can make perfect babies, why couldn't I? Hey whatever works right?!

Symptoms: fatigue- I fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:45pm

What am I most looking forward to: Still waiting for insurance confirmation. I'm checking the mail everyday even though I'm sure it's going to be awhile yet.

Moms worry from the minute of conception. I am no exception.

My worry is starting to get the best of me. I knew this was going to be hard and boy is it! I just keep telling myself I can't get what I want (a baby) unless I go through this. Over and over again. How am I ever going to make it to 7 or 8 weeks without an ultrasound?! I'm so focused on my symptoms everyday. I think I'm extra tired. I think I'm gagging when I'm brushing my teeth everyday. I think I've had some bouts of nausea. I think I've had pregnancy headaches. I want symptoms so badly to prove to me that everything is fine and I hope I'm just not "wanting" them into existence. That sounds so crazy!! I wish I could remember when my symptoms really started to kick in with the girls. I've looked back at my fertility friend chart but don't really see any pattern. I wish I had a little portable ultrasound machine here at home so that I could just peak in whenever I wanted to see what's going on in there. I was considering going to get a blood draw today and then changed my mind. The really awful thought occurred to me that if I ended up having a miscarriage then I'd be stuck paying a bill for the blood draw and what a kick in the a** that would be. I may go on Monday. That would give me something to look forward to then. Until then worry, worry, worry!

Feelings about pregnancy today: As you can see from my post, my lack of symptoms has me living in fear. I want to get excited about this baby but previous experience is holding me back.

Symptoms: Gagging when brushing teeth, tired, yawning lots, cranky, bloated

What am I most looking forward to: Possibly getting HCG blood draw on Monday

It's a girl! SIKE!

I'm always looking for things to pass the time. These next few weeks are going to drag and I'm already feeling the effects. I spend all my free time on the June 2010 expecting club board. It makes me feel pregnant. But it kills me to see all these women getting their ultrasounds and checking on their babies when I'm so desperate to know that our baby or babies are okay. If only I had a fast forward button. So today in the midst of killing some time I checked out a website that using the mothers age at conception and the month of conception to predict whether you will have a boy or a girl. And as you can see from the title, I was predicted a girl. Deep down inside I do want a girl, but after all of our losses, I'd be perfectly happy with whatever God thinks we should have.

Feelings about pregnancy today: Today I took a trip to Target and picked up a new pregnancy book. As I flipped through the pages I stopped on a section about ectopic pregnancies. It scared the crap out of me. As if my mind doesn't wander enough on it's own. I just need to keep reminding myself that more often then not pregnancy goes just fine. On a positive note though, today we came across a swarm of ladybugs. All I could think was if I could just touch one maybe I would have some good luck. You know I held one for like 5 minutes.

Symptoms: Headache, dizziness, crankiness

What am I most looking forward to: Can't wait to see that flickering light on the ultrasound screen. PRICELESS!

I've made the jump.

So the estimated due date of AF has come and gone. She would've been here by Saturday and she didn't show. No surprise there with six very positive pregnancy tests to keep her away. Passing that day though is a big milestone for me. Now onto other milestones. I will make it through this pregnancy one milestone at a time. Next is the countdown to the ultrasound I'm hoping to get at 7 weeks. Please God give us a beautifully beating heart. I still need to wait for insurance approval but at least I know I'm getting there. Today I went to Borders in search of a new pregnancy journal. I loved the one I had for my pregnancy with the girls but I couldn't bring myself to buy the same one. Too many scary thoughts associated with it. Instead I found one that I think I like even more. It's called "My Pregnancy Journal: Celebrating the most memorable nine months of your life!" It is the most detailed book I could find. It has a million questions to answer and covers all three trimesters. It even comes with frames for any pictures I'd like to add. It couldn't be more perfect. I'm in keepsake mode and I'm loving it. This blog has been the best keepsake of all. I decided today that I'd print out each entry and post it in a three ring binder. There I will keep all the thoughts and fears until my baby is here sleeping in my arms. I should start a mini questionnaire that I could answer every day. Let's see here:

Feelings about pregnancy today: I'm feeling really confident now after the last HPT showing up rather quickly and getting really dark.

Symptoms: fatigue, bloated, headache, mild nausea

What am I most looking forward to: Getting approval for insurance and then getting to see our little pumpkin with a beating heart on the ultrasound screen.

A review

Daddy's pumpkin surprise!

I don't have a pregnancy journal yet for this pregnancy. I'm almost afraid to jinx myself so I haven't yet made the purchase. So I really need to recap things here before I forget.

On Oct 11th (Sunday) I was 8dpo. My temp had dipped that morning. I knew that was either a really really good sign (implantation dip) or the beginning of a really bad thing (AF). I did however notice that when I brushed ,my teeth before church I started gagging. For me that was one of the earliest symptoms I had when I was pregnant with the girls. I just knew I was pregnant. That night I had decided to do another dollar store HPT. I snuck into the bedroom to check it every few minutes. The wait was torture even though I knew the chances of it being positive this soon were slim to none. But to my surprise, I thought I had noticed a second line appearing. A very very very faint line. One that any normal non HPT testing fool would not even notice. If I had showed Burt that test he would've thought I was crazy. I knew what I had to do. I had to go to Walmart in the morning to get a FRER.

On Oct 12th (Monday) I was 9dpo. My temp that morning had shot back up. In fact it was higher then any other day in that same cycle. I had a wonderful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I got up at 7am after temping and peed in a cup to save. I used one last dollar store HPT. I had a hard time seeing a line though. The one from the night before (8dpo) now had a faint but very noticeable line on it. I thought for sure it was an evaporation line but hoped I was wrong. The kids were home from school this day so I waited for Burt to leave for work and we headed to Walmart bright and early. I think we got back around 9:30am and I tested right away. I checked the time and sat at the computer with the test right next to me. I swore to myself that I wouldn't check it until 9 minutes had passed. I didn't want to look at it half way through and see no line, be disappointed and then wait an additional 5 minutes to really confirm a BFN. At the 9 minute mark hit I picked up the test and headed towards the bedroom light. I glanced at the test and couldn't initially see a line. Once I got to the light I twisted and tilted the test in every which direction. Finally I noticed it! There was a line! I couldn't contain my excitement and I had to call someone although Burt and I had decided to keep it a secret. As soon as I told her I felt a sense of disappointment in myself. Burt should've known first but I wanted to do something cute to surprise him with the news. I just knew I wouldn't be able to whip something up soon enough. I would've exploded had I not told someone. Shannon of course was cautiously excited. We started tossing ideas back and forth on how I could tell Burt. I must've looked at that HPT 20 times that day. I hoped the line would get darker but it was still really faint. Even if I had wanted to tell Burt that day I would also have never shown him this test. He might've saw the line but he would've been very pessimistic because of how light it was. He wouldn't of understood that I was only 9dpo!! AMAZING!!

On Oct 13th (Tuesday) I was 10dpo. My temp again stayed super high and I was happy. I woke up at 7am and peed in a cup again. I dipped a FRER and watched the clock. This time though I also had to be getting the kids ready for school. In between getting the toaster down to make waffles and waking up Nathan I checked on the test periodically. After a few minutes I started to notice a second line. Then the next time I checked it was getting darker. And darker. And darker. Finally at the ten minute mark it was a clear positive. I was pregnant and had the test to prove it to anyone who doubted it. I actually carried the test in my jean pocked and on the walk home from dropping the kids off at school I showed Shannon. She said, "Girl! You're pregnant!". It was music to my ears. Another trip to Walmart produced a second box of 3 FRER's and a 2 pack of Clearblue Easy digitals. I had been holding it in for like 4 hours when I finally got home and just had to use a digital. I dipped the stick and again waited. The little hourglass blinks for what seems like hours. And then it appeared. "Pregnant". I love those tests. Earlier in the day I had come up with an idea to surprise Burt and I ran it by Shannon. I had decided to go with a seasonal idea. I picked up a small pumpkin from Produce Junction. I then cleaned out the inside of it. Carved two triangle eyes, and a rectangle nose. I even carved a little square for a mouth and shoved in a real binky. I then drew a little curlie cue for hair and stuck an "I love daddy" bib around the bottom of it. I took tons of pictures. I even tied a little note to the stem of the pumpkin reading "The 3rd time is the charm babe. I'm pregnant!". I then stuck the digital HPT inside just in case he still didn't get it. The hardest part of this day was waiting for Burt to get home from work. At about 5:30 I set the pumpkin up on his dresser and locked my bedroom door. I couldn't let the kids see. They can't know yet. When Burt finally came home I told him I had a surprise for him. I opened the door and peeked in. He was like "Is there a live animal in there or something?!" I then told him his surprise was on his dresser. And that he should take a look and tell me what he thought. He walked in, looked at it, looked at me, and smiled. He looked confused. He said, "It's a baby pumpkin." I said, "Okay, well look inside of it." He looked inside saw a HPT and said, "You're pregnant!" I couldn't contain myself anymore. I was smiling from ear to ear. He even posed for a picture with our new little pumpkin.

On Oct 14th (Wednesday) I was 11 dpo. I woke up and my temp had dipped a bit. I of course was scared out of my mind. I then went ahead and did another FRER with my FMU. It was only 6:30am. I had woken up because I was anxious to test again and just couldn't sleep. So at 6:30 I sat on the couch and waited. Three minutes in there was a second line but it didn't seem to be getting very dark. Again I checked and it was getting darker but still seemed lighter or maybe just as dark as the one from 10dpo. My heart was sinking fast and I just prayed for it to continue getting darker. By the end of the 10 minute mark I was comparing the two tests side by side. The one from 11 dpo seemed to be more solid but didn't look much darker. It was hard to get motivated that morning. For the first time since I had gotten a positive HPT I was feeling a little pessimistic. After getting the kids to school I knew I had to get myself over to the midwives to get a pregnancy confirmation letter. After all I was pregnant. There were two lines. The midwives only do walk-in pregnancy tests until 11:30 am so I headed that way around 11am. I didn't want to go to early because I wanted the HCG to have a chance to build back up in my urine. I walked into the office, told them why I was there, filled out some paper work, and peed in a cup.I checked my phone for the time. It was 11:24am. I knew my test would be complete by 11:34am. I was definitely nervous this time. Not nervous like the first time when I was pregnant with Abby, but not confident in the tests like I was with the twins. I thought maybe their HPT's might not be as sensitive. I couldn't have handled it if they had come out and told me it was negative. Finally Bernadette came out to the waiting room. She looked right at me and said, "C'mon back!" I said to her, "It's never a good thing when the midwife knows exactly who you are and doesn't even have to call your name." She said, "Sure it is!" We went into a little conference room and she said, "What kind of protection are you using?" (my heart sank why would I need protection if the test was positive?) Then she said, "I mean were you using?" I looked at her and said, "I guess that means it's positive?" A feeling of relief washed over me as she held up the test from across the rug and I could see two lines. She then tossed the test in the trash. We sat and chatted for a few minutes about when my last period was, when the D&E was, and when we had sex. I told her we only had sex that one time. I wasn't in the mood to hear any lectures about how we should've waited. She didn't seem upset at all though. In fact I got many congratulations from her. We talked briefly about how my care would be if I did continue with the midwives for the pregnancy and how I would get my first ultrasound at 7 weeks. She even said they would send me to the 4th floor, perinatology, for the scan. They have better ultrasound machines there. I left her office that day feeling very content. I immediately chirped Burt at work to tell him the good news. Unfortunately I forgot to tell him to put his phone on private and I blurted out "I got my pregnancy confirmation!" and Juan and Frankie both heard me. So much for our little secret. The both promised not to tell anyone. I guess we'll have to trust them. Later on at 2:30pm I had just finished cleaning out my top drawer and found 4 internet cheapie HPT's. I couldn't resist and took them. I dipped on in the pee I still had sitting from this morning. And I peed and dipped the other one in that. It had only been 3 hours since I had peed so I knew it might not be as dark as the FMU one. I was definitely surprised though when both tests showed up really really faint. The one from the FMU was noticeably darker then the one from the recent pee. Again, my heart sank and I couldn't shake the pessimism. I was instantly cranky. I knew I'd have to wait at least 5 hours to test again. Five hours of waiting to know whether or not your baby is going to make it seems like a lifetime. I was grouchy and snappy. I finally clued Burt in so he knew to take it easy on me. Come 7:30pm (5 hours later) I was in the bathroom peeing in a cup. I dipped it and set the kitchen clock. I once again vowed to wait the entire 9 minutes until I looked at it. When I did I knew it was darker. I didn't even have to hold the tests side by side, but when I did I was again consumed with comfort. This baby is here to stay.

On Oct 15th (Thursday) I was 12 dpo. When I woke up my temperature had went back up a bit. I didn't even have the urge to POAS. I was comfortable with my status: PREGNANT.

On Oct 16th (Friday) I was 13dpo. When I woke up Friday my worry got the best of me again and I took out one more FRER. I dipped and sat on the couch again waiting. I was feeling mostly confident but there's always a sense of fear when I know I'm taking it to compare to another one. At the 8 minute mark I looked down at the test. It was dark. But was it darker then 11dpo? I couldn't be sure. My adrenaline started pumping. I decided I'd wait a couple more minutes and check it again, but after waiting the line seemed no darker. I tried to logically reason with myself in my head. HCG doubles every 48 hours. Maybe it just hadn't doubled yet. Maybe the test just didn't have as much dye. It was my baby boy's birthday and I was determined not to ruin it with worry. I just decided to test later in the day after holding it for five hours again. Later in the day came and went and I didn't have the urge to test. I could lie and just say I was confident but I think it was only because I was so busy with everything else that I had little time to think about it.

On Oct 17th (Saturday) I was 14dpo. We had left for the weekend for a mini vacation in Maryland at Andrea's house. This would be good for me. I didn't pack my alarm clock and I left my thermometer at home on the night stand. No more temping. I did however bring my last HPT but never chalked up the courage to pee on a stick in someone else's bathroom. This was the first day I started feeling really fatigued.

On Oct 18th (Sunday) I was 15dpo. I woke up three times throughout the night having to pee. Could this be another symptom? Please keep 'em coming! Later on that night I had a serious bought with nausea. Nothing that a foot long turkey and ham sandwich couldn't fix.

On Oct 19th (Monday) I was 16dpo. I woke up 10 minutes early and was determined to use the last FRER. I had been patient all weekend but I really needed to see that super dark line to feel good. I dipped and waited. A ritual that I've become too accustomed too. I started walking out into the kitchen to set the oven timer and glanced at the test. The test line had shown up before the control line and was already twice as dark. Nothing could've made me happier. I even decided I should go buy a pregnancy journal.

****This will be edited several times to add other important dates.****

okay..so there is a line!

After the could be a line/ could not be a line tests last night, I woke up this morning and checked my temperature and sure enough it shot right up there. I got up and headed to the bathroom for a HPT check. I used another $ store test and thought I saw a glimmer of a line again. By this time I thought that I couldn't possibly be imagining two faint faint faint lines. So, I saved my FMU. At 9am me and the kids headed over to Walmart and I picked up a 3 pack of FRER's. I came home, removed my FMU from the fridge (yea, I know...a new low but I ead on peeonastick.com that after time the HCG in your urine starts to break down unless kept cold) and tested. At first the window didn't start to turn pink. It just stayed white. I'm assuming that was because it was cold. Then after 30 seconds or so I saw the pink control line forming. I brought the test to the computer desk and I set off on the internet to occupy myself for 9 minutes. It wa so hard not to glance down at that test. But finally 9 minutes past and I brought the test over to the light. It was very hard to see at first but once I saw it I saw it everytime I looked. If I look at it in natural sunlight I can definately see a line. So once again I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this line is darker tomorrow. I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I got too excited. How could I not pissbly tell anyone until christmas time?! That seems forever away! So I broke down and told Shannon. Now I'm on a mission to find a fun clever way to tell Burt. I'm thinking the carved baby pumpkin with a binky in it's mouth would be pretty cute. I'm feeling pretty nervous right about now. I have a feeling in the back of my mind saying this is just a chemical pregnancy but I'm trying my hardest to push that thought away! Sticky baby bean vibes welcome!

Could I will it to be?

Okay so today is 8dpo. And as I think I mentioned before, I have been testing since 6dpo. I've had pretty high temps and I'm hoping that the corpus luteum is working it's progesterone magic. Yesterday I thought I saw something, but convinced myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. And then tonight I took another $ store test which I think I might see a line where one s supposed to be. It's so confusing. If it's there, it's the most faint BFP I've ever seen. Tomorrow morning I plan on taking another $ store HPT and saving my FMU until I can buy a FRER later on. But you know that if I see even a glimmer of a second pink line there tomorrow that I will be at Walmart waiting for the doors to open. Thankfully Burt has work tomorrow and I can pull off a quicky Walmart run, poas, and then decide on the creative way I want to tell him. I'm getting excited but I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that this just may be an evaporation line and that AF will show in a few days. BUT fingers crossed that tomorrow proves me wrong and I see a bit of a darker line. C'mon baby! Implant!! Implant!!

I HATE THIS!!

I hate feeling stuck! I hate feeling like I have to deal with something because I don't have the financial means to get out of it. I swore to myself many years ago that I would never be in that predicament again and here I am. I know this relationship is doomed. I know it's not going to go anywhere. I know I'll still be dealing with this same drama years from now and I know I can't take it anymore. I'm sick to my stomach with worry. Worrying about my future and my kids future. How can I live trusting that my life could be in shambles in one day? That my entire existence rests on one unpredictable person? Where do I go from here? If you would've told me 7 years ago that this is what I'd be thinking and typing would I have gone through with it? I suppose I would have. For one because if I hadn't I would not have my son. But for two because nobody could tell me anything then. Nobody would've convinced me. I was in love and none of his flaws mattered. Fast forward to today and I still love him but wonder where to go from here?

As for other news...I'm 6 dpo today and definitely feeling like this is not my month. How could my little baby make it through this stress? Have I failed my baby even before it had a chance? The tears just won't stop flowing now. I need a break.

STRESS!!

I don't know how productive it is to be trying to conceive when I'm completely stressed out for two days. Burt is being his usual jealous self and it's just really hard to deal with. Having someone constantly attack your character is tiring. I've been trying to be less dramatic then he is in hopes that lowering the stress level will help the little embie implant. I know I'll be so resentful if I don't end up pregnant this month. I'll swear it is because of the stress.

Today I am 5 dpo. My temp shot up drastically this morning. I couldn't have been happier. I did a chart overlay with my chart from my last pregnancy and today's temp was only off by like .03 or something. My symptoms are the same and I've still got positive energy. And boy was I exhausted today. I know at this point it's probably just the progesterone plaguing me but I am looking forward to some more symptoms. C'mon 1ww. I plan on starting to test on Tuesday the 13th. I'll be 10dpo at that point. Fingers crossed I see something right away. I don't know if I could live through a BFN at this stage of the game. Please God give me a June baby.

They say it's good luck!

Well, where to start? It's only 9am and I've got something to talk about? That's never good. So I woke up this morning and took my temperature as always and it was only 98.12. This of course threw me for a loop because it started out so high on 1dpo. Now it has continued to drop. I couldn't be expecting AF just 4 days past ovulation so I'm crossing my fingers that it's a good sign. I have a little nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach saying that I'm going to be pregnant . It's a different feeling then being optimistic it's just a gut feelig telling me to relax everything is fine. The problem is I am much to superstitious to say it out loud so here it will sit under wraps and secretly hidden. I've been having this slightly nagging pain in my left ovary. If I remember correctly it's the same pain I had the month I conceived the twins. Fingers crossed everything is going just the way it should be. Oh yea, I almost forgot. The second thing that happened to today that gives me reason to be blogging so early this morning is that a wonderful little birdie decided that my head was going to be it's dumping ground this morning. I was standing at he bus stop waiting for Nate's bus when all of a sudden I felt what seemed like a large drop of water fall onto my head. I said to Abby, "That better not have been bird poo!". Minutes later Shannon came out and said, "Look at me. Bend down." And sure enough she confirmed what I had originally thought. Bird poo!!! She stayed at the stop with Nate and Abby while I ran home to have Burt help we wash it out. How embarrassing!! I think the only thing that helped me keep my composser was this little voice in the back of my head saying, it's good luck! So I continued to chant that over and over. Please God let it be good luck. We just want a healthy little baby. Pink or blue, either will do!

Train wreck coming through...

I'm beginning to think I'm a hormonal train wreck. My emotions have been all over today, but mostly sad and teary eyed. I've been working on the girls' scrapbook. And I know that has something to do with it. My new mission is to get it done before I take even one hpt. I feel like that chapter in my book (no pun intended) must be closed before I open another one. It is so hard to be trying to conceive again. And I knew it would be. But attempting to do this book and being in the 2ww are just a recipe for emotional disaster. Every page I finish just hurts a little more. I want so much to have all their things in one beautiful keepsake but actually doing it makes me feel like I'm one step closer to forgetting them. In other news, Burt and I have been fighting like cats and dogs. I don't know how it's going to be possible for our precious little embie(s) to implant in there with such a stressful and traumatic environment. I spent a little time tonight trying to explain to him just how hard this is for me. I don't think he gets it, of course, but at least he pretended to listen. I thought for a slight second that he was comprehending but that all came crashing down when I attempted to show him the pages of the scrapbook that I got finished and he started huffing and puffing. He says he didn't mean to if he did, but he doesn't think he did. Even worse! He did it subconsciously without even meaning too! I wish he could feel the pain in my heart for just one day. He might just take it easy on me.

Abby got her second tooth pulled today. She was pretty nervous but did awesome! Today was picture day for my big kindergartner. I hope he smiled nice and opened his big blue eyes nice and wide.

Well I can't stop yawning and I just know my headache won't go away until I'm asleep so I must turn in for the night. Thanks for listening. Again. Oh yea but before I forget...I want to do a symptom check everyday. Just to make myself a bit more crazy. Today is 3dpo and I've had a killer headache for about 5 hours now. My back is throbbing and as you can see I'm an emotional wreck. If that weren't enough I am so bloated probably due to he gas factor. Sorry, TMI! Until tomorrow!

Good night my angel baby girls! I love you with every fiber of my being. xoxo

Daydreaming...

Hopefully this is what's going on inside of me right now!! I can't stop thinking about whether or not we caught that egg this month. I'm feeling optimistic but the facts sometimes make it hard for me. Did you know your chanes for conception each month are only 20%? That's rough. So here I sit on a lazy sunday afternoon daydreaming about what the sperm and egg are up to in there. If anything I hope they know how very loved they are and while grasping at straws here I must bribe and say if you implant and become a healthy baby or babies for me then I'll buy you some really nice toys. Oh wait! I already have lots of them in storage for you. brand new in the packaging! I'm begging you!

It came and it went.

Update: today is cd 19 for me. I'm 99.9% sure I ovulated yesterday although my chart won't confirm it for two more mornings. My temp spiked right up there today to 98.46 from 97.78 or so. I was so happy this morning. I'm feeling pretty positive today. We got in some really good bd'ing. Let's see...I got my positive opk on friday early afternoon. We bd'd the night before the positive, the day of the positive, and two times the day of ovulation, once in the morning and once at night. I'm so hoping that we caught the eggie. My temp went up pretty high so maybe even two eggies got released. Fingers crossed. Now onto some more waiting!

Today we went to church and like always these two cross shaped light reflections shined up on the wall. I know they were probably there before we started going to this church and they'll still probably be there if we ever sop going but it's a beautiful reminder of my baby girls. I take comfort in finding things that come in pairs around me. I feel as if they're right there with me. Yesterday I was driving as the sun was setting and saw a gorgeous pair of clouds. Nice and white and fluffy with the beautiful blue/pink sky in the background. I know my girls are near. I love you Heaven Lee and Destiny. I love to see things that remind me of you. It makes me smile.

The big "O"

So it's here! After posting this morning I went and tested again with an internet cheapie. The test line was there and pretty dark. But definitely not what I would consider positive. I knew from before that I never really got a true positive with these things. They were always almost positive or not even close. This opk fell under the almost positive category so I decided to "waste" another digital opk to double check. I watched for a few seconds as the little test symbol flashed and then I just waited. I tried to occupy myself with the internet for a few minutes and then I glanced over at the test. And there it was. A beautiful little smiley face! YAY! I was so excited that I let out a little squeal. We bd'd last night and then again today when Burt came home. Now we'll stick with the once a day theory until O is confirmed. Hopefully that will be in a couple of days. Now that I know the eggie did it's job let's cheer on those spermies!! Go spermies! Find that eggie! Be real men!!! I figure if I insult them a little they might be a bit more aggressive.

Marco! Polo! Marco! Polo!

Well I am definitely playing this little game with my opk's this week. On cd 10 I started out with an imaginary line that I thought I saw on the test. Then finally by cd 15 I actually started to see something. And now today on cd 17 there is a for real line and it's getting pretty close to positive. I can't stop thinking about how great it would be to be pregnant again. I would only be like three weeks behind my friend Shannon who just found out she's pregnant. It would make it much easier to deal with the jealousy factor for sure! I also just want to be pregnant again to be pregnant. I so love being pregnant and feeling important. Although this time we don't plan on telling anyone until we get some sort of confirmation that everything is fine. I don't know what week that will be but I will wait this time. I don't even plan on telling the kids. It will be kinda fun to have a secret that just Burt and I know. Please body, don't let me down! If God listens to prayers then he is being bombarded with them now!

All about waiting!

The second one is definitely darker in person.

Chi-ching! That's all this amounts to.

No smiley face for me...YET!

The more time I spend on this trying to conceive roller coaster the more I notice that ttc is all about waiting. First we wait for ovulation to occur. In my case that's a very stressful and sometimes long wait. With irregular and long cycles waiting to O can be torturous! This cycle I started clomid a day later then the cycle I got pregnant with the twins and so I'm thinking I might ovulate a day later too. Today is cd 16 and my opk's are finally starting to show some sort of line. I'm hoping with time they will get darker and darker. But back to the waiting rant! The second period of waiting is what women in the ttc world like to call the 2WW or the two week wait. Most women hate this waiting more but I on the other hand really enjoy it. This is a time when I can validate treating myself like I may be pregnant. I take it easy lifting things. I get plenty of rest and daydream a lot. But I must admit that the 1ww is a bit harder for me. As the testing date get closer and closer I get more and more anxious. And then back to the waiting. The next thing we wait for is the 10 minutes it takes to confirm a BFN. BooooO! We all hate BFN's! And in between the time of the BFN's and AF is more waiting followed by lots of chocolate and possible fits of crying. Such an emotional time for a woman. It's amazing I've made it this far. It seems like we've been ttc FOREVER! But it's been about 16 months now and I've been pregnant twice. So not a bad record for the getting pregnant part but a terrible record for the staying pregnant part! Oh, wait! I feel something. As I sit here typing I'm feeling some aching down below. I know my ovaries are working. I just hope they're working to produce some nice healthy eggies! Please please please!

In other news, the kids have another soccer game tonight. I might take more pics and post them later. They're getting pretty good at this. I'm proud! Nathan has a class trip coming up to some apple orchard. I volunteered to be a chaperon. I figured this would be a good chance for me to take some pics of hi and some of his classmates for his school scrapbook. Speaking of which I better get my but moving on these scrapbooks. The holidays are fast approaching and I have two years worth of pics to catch up on. I need some motivation.