The task of typing here seems so daunting. I have had so much happen in the past few days and just don't know where to start anymore. My baby has been born. After a bit of drama she made her debut on June 16th, 2010 at 4:17am. She weighed 6lbs 15 ozs and is 19.5 inches long. She's such a peanut. With her size and her birdlike squawking I've resorted to nicknaming her "Chicken Little". All in love of course. I'm so in love and can't seem to keep my eyes off of her. Every minute of stress and every tear I've cried was all worth it. To look into her beautiful blue eyes almost makes me want to cry everytime. And if I knew that Burt wouldn't think I was off my rocker with postpartum depression I probably would cry everytime. She's amazing and beautiful and all mine. And I finally feel like I'm going to be able to keep her. That no one can take her from me now. In the beginning it was miscarriage. In the middle it was worrying about a bad diagnosis and a heartbreaking choice. In the end it was stillbirth. And now I just get to love on her. Don't get me wrong I still worry myself sick about SIDS or just finding out something is wrong with her, but now I get to snuggle her while I worry. My baby is here, living, breathing, eating, and loving me. My heart is overflowing with love for her. A love I sometimes thought I'd never get to feel again. A love I so yearned for when I got the twins fatal diagnosis. A love that drives me to be the best mom ever. And things couldn't be better. Abby and Nathan are enthralled with her. I've never seen them prouder then the day they came to meet her at the hospital. Abby rubbed her head so gently with one finger just like a loving little mommy. And Nathan smiled from ear to ear when he got to hold her for the first time. They've waited for her just as long as I have. They know she's a miracle and they appreciate that. Such wise minds for such young bodies. I hope that they hold onto that appreciation and in doing so I know we didn't lose our twins in vein. Something great has come from it. We all know how precious life is. And for that I'm grateful. I owe them babies a lot. I mean afterall had they not been diagnosed like they were Alexa wouldn't be here. And now I couldn't imagine my life without her. It seems now after all the heartache that this was the master plan. That God knew all along that I needed her in my life. That we all needed to know just how special a new life is. And now Alexa is our rainbow baby. I've always liked the term but now that she's here there is new meaning to it. I'm going to quote from a random internet stranger that explained it best. "A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of a storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color energy and hope." And that is Alexa. She's our hope and knowledge that no matter how terrible the times there is a light. There's hope. There's happiness again somewhere. She is our happiness.
So now my mission is to capture every moment of that happiness on film. I think I've become a bit obsessed about taking pictures through the years. I fear not remembering these great moments. That's my drive for taking so many pictures. Everyday that passes my babies are getting bigger and taking steps toward independence. Although I couldn't be prouder I also get sad just thinking about it. Take today for example. Today Alexa is five days old. Almost one whole week has gone by since those precious first moments with her in the hospital. I already miss them. I miss the smell of the hospital onesie she wore. I miss the wonderful nurses who showed us so much love and attention. I miss that feeling of importance when they came in to check on me every hour. I miss the sound of Alexa's heart beating away on the monitors. I just feel like it all went so fast. I wish we could stay in the bliss of those first few moments forever. And yet I'm torn because ahead of us lies something great. A lifetime of memories. An excitement for the future. I love you Alexa and can't wait to spend the rest of my life prooving to you just how special you are. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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