It's almost like our first date

Today is the day we've been waiting for since Alexa was admitted to the NICU. She's being discharged. I thought I'd be so happy and excited instead I find myself to be so incredibly nervous. Nervous to make the phone call down there to confirm she's being discharged. Nervous to be the only one to take care of her when she gets home. Nervous for her to have one of these bradycardia episodes at home with us all alone. It seems like such a big responsibility now. When she initially came home from the hospital after she was born I was an old pro. I knew how to take care of newborns. Now I feel like she's so fragile. Like anything can hurt her or harm her. I'm almost afraid to change her diaper or her clothes. Maybe that will wear off the more I do it, but for now I feel scarred. In the NICU everytime she moved an alarm sounded. Anytime I changed her diaper the alarms went crazy. Have I been trained to cringe everytime I change her because of those alarms? I just want to enjoy my baby like she was a normal baby. Please God give me the strength and the courage to be the best mommy I can be to my sweet baby girl.

You're Gonna Be

6lbs and 9oz lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin'

Your gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's no fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between gettin' by and livin'

This is like Groundhog day

I woke up again. I guess that's good news. But it seems like the same day over and over again. No change. No happiness. Just another day. I should be able to be happy. I do have two kids here that need my smiles. But my heart can't be whole until my baby is with me. I swear my arms get achy when I think of her. She just needs to get better.

Day 4 in hospital days seems like day 54

The days seems so long and the nights even longer. Especially when I'm now spending the nights away from my baby girl. As of last update we now hopefully have an answer as to why she's been breathing so funky. Apparently baby Alexa has a UTI. It's hard to believe that an infection could make her breathing go so awray but it can. Since she's been on the antibiotics it seems as if her breathing has gotten better. She's no longer on the nasal canula and they even removed the stickers from her face which held it in place. She has had an u/s of her kidneys done to rule out any abnormalities that could cause her to get a UTI and today she had a voiding cystourethrogram . Not a pleasant test but my baby handled it like a champ they said.

Edited and added on June 26th:
Well today marks the day that I so eagerly anticipated for many months. Today June 26th was my due date. Although the actual due date means nothing to the midwives, it meant lots to me. I couldn't wait for this day to get here. I couldn't wait to be holding my baby in my arms and yet here I sit still feeling empty. Baby girl is still in the hospital. Today marks day five. And as life in the NICU goes, it's one step forward and two steps back. Burt, the kids and I all made a trip to the hospital today. The three of them seemed to be coming down with a cold or something so they stayed out in the waiting room. We got there about 2pm only to get a bit of good and bad news. The good news was that Alexa was still off of the nasal canula and her breathing has been pretty good. They attempted to put in another IV last night but failed to do so because the NICU was rather busy while they were trying to do it and Alexa's veins didn't seem to want to cooperate either. They gave up after a few attempts. In the end it seems that was for the best because they have now switched her to oral antibiotics. She could've even been discharged today had she not had a little episode of lowering her heart rate. The nurse said that at her 1pm feeding today her heart rate fell to about 85 and she turned blue. She said she just switched Alexa's position and that brought her heart rate back up again. I tried to seem strong when she told me but inside I was cracking. How could we be so close and yet so far away from going home? Don't get me wrong...I only want my baby home if she's healthy but PLEASE make her healthy! Walking in this house is torture. I see her swing sitting motionless in the living room. I see her clean empty bottles on the drying rack in the kitchen. I see her cosleeper sitting next to my bed and it brings tears to my eyes remembering the last time she was in it. I can't bring myself to putting her co sleeper in her room and yet it pains me to see it empty everyday. I feel like I've already missed so much of her short life. She has spent more of her life in the hospital then she has spent at home with her family. Everyday I leave the hospital and fantasize about making the drive home with my baby strapped safely in her carseat. Today when I got home I just broke down emotionally. It's been building all day. First earlier when I smelled one of her sleepers. I could smell her and it broke my heart. Then tonight when I walked by her stroller in the living room and remembered our last walk in it around the pool the night before she went into the hospital. I can't help but be pessimistic. Every time I feel optimistic I'm reminded of my bad luck. She's got so many people praying for her. If prayers can make her better, they will. Get well baby Alexa!!

Is this just the beginning?

Alexa is in the NICU. I'm an emotional wreck and everything SUCKS right now. On Monday night Burt brought it to my attention that she was breathing awfully fast for a period of time and then taking a pause in breathing and then back to rapid hard breathing again. I dismissed it a bit concluding that he was just being overly protective but deep down inside I was nervous as can be. Worried sick actually. How could God give me this gift and then make her sick? We just started being able to enjoy her. But being the wonderful parents we are I made an appointment with the pediatrician and took her in. She weighed in at 7lb 2 oz and her head circumfrence was 13 3/4 inches. So my peanut has a small head. The doctor came in and said her coloring looked great and that she wasn't too worried. She stepped out of the room to run things by another doctor. When she came back she told me that they'd like for her to be seen in the ER. She said that the ER would be able to check her oxygen levels and do a chest x-ray. Off to the ER we went. I still had Abby and Nathan with me. I made plans with my mom to have them picked up. In the ER I tried my best to stay away from any other patients. All the sickies in there made me even more nervous. We were brought back to a room rather quickly and then were bombarded by nurses coming in to check out "the six day old baby". Everyone was in love with her. We had one great nurse who pulled up a chair and listened so perfectly to all of my concerns. She said that probably what would happen is that they would have her admitted at CHOP for observation but that for now she was looking okay. I held Alexa and tried to get her into a deep sleep. I knew the doctors would never get to see what I was talking about unless I got her into a good sleep. Soon enough she was catching some zzz's and I laid her on the stretcher. And then it happened. Her oxygen levels dropped into the low 90's and then again into the upper 80's. At least they knew I wasn't a frantic unbelieveable mommy. I knew what I was talking about. My baby needed to be checked out. They made a call to CHOP and spoke with a pediatrician. Then I overheard a conversation in the hallway and knew they were going to be sending her to Children's. My heart sank. Even though I wanted to find some answers I never thought my day would be turning into this. I called Burt and told him what I thought was going to be happening. Then the ER doctor came in to confirm. CHOP was sending an ambulance for us and it would be there shortly. He then informed me that she would need an IV and some blood drawn. I knew I needed to leave the room. How miserable it is to hear your newborn screaming out in pain. The tears start coming to my eyes again just thinking about how horrible those next few hours were. As I started to hear her crying I walked away and waiting in the family waiting room. While standing there I was even more nervous and agitated. I just wanted to be the one to comfort her as soon as they were done so I walked back to the room. Outside the door I could hear they weren't finished so I just sat and waited. As they were torturing my baby my heart was being tortured. I stood there and cried. A few nurses tried to consol me but until my baby was in my arms there was nothing to comfort me. When I walked in the room I saw the blood on a gauze pad on the floor and blood on her little dress. How could this all have been happening? Thankfully they handed her to me rather quickly because I almost lost it. As soon as I held her she quieted right down. My baby knew I was there. I started to feed her only to be interupted by the ambulance drivers. The moved rather quickly and soon had Alexa all strapped into the isolette and ready to go. She was not happy in there but we had to get going. She cried the entire ride to the hospital and again my heart ached for her. It was such a helpless feeling. Alexa was only 6 days old and I had never let her cry so long. Up until that point she lived in a world where her every need was met immediately upon crying or even before she cried. Now her entire world was turned upside down and I couldn't even comfort her. Once in the ER I pushed the nurses and doctors to let me hold her. This time it was a bit harder to console her but I eventually did. Again she showed the doctors what had us so worried and they eventually called upstairs to the NICU and they decided to admit her. We spent about 3 hours in CHOP's ER. Most of which Alexa spent crying. She was so hard to comfort at this point and I couldn't wait for Daddy to get there. The tears again were flowing from both of our eyes. Again the helpless feeling overcame me. She seemed like she was in so much pain and I couldn't make it better. Once they decided to admit her things went rather fast again. They came in to do a spinal tap and to put a catheter in to get a urine sample. I left the room and wandered down the hall. I couldn't listen to me baby scream out in pain again. I knew they had to do these tests but wanted them to be over with. I called Burt and just cried. He told me he was close by and soon her was there. We were directed to a family consult room where we waited for the procedures to be done. After that we were whisked up to the NICU. There the doctors were waiting for us. A team of five or six swarmed Alexa and started asking a million questions. Next thing I know it was 11:30pm. We started asking about sleeping arrangements and our awesome nurse got us set up in a family sleep room. She gave us a little tour of the NICU. We went in and kissed our baby goodnight and off to sleep we went. Although I use the term sleep very loosely as I don't feel like I got much of it. On Wednesday Daddy spent the whole day with us. It was such a relief to have the NICU nurses there with her 24 hours. I knew she was in good hands and we actually got to take breaks to get something to eat or even just to sit, talk, and comfort each other. She had one episode of bradycardia when I was feeding her at around 5 and then another one around 9pm. We then learned that maybe she wasn't taking good breaths as she gulped down her bottle and have since started taking the bottle away from her after 10 sips. This seems to be working. Knock on wood. She even had the nasal canula that was giving her flow (not oxygen) taken out and was doing well. Burt and I left the hospital and went home for quick showers and to pack some things for the coming days. The time I spent away from her seemed endless but at the same time didn't seem long enough to spend with Abby and Nathan. How long could I keep this up? Being with only half my family at a time? My heart broke as I kissed the kids good-bye but they had my mom. Alexa needed me. Once we got to the hospital we met another great nurse named Amanda. She answered all of our questions and was so informative. Alexa then woke up and stayed awake for her entire feeding and even some cuddle time with Mommy and Daddy. Once we got her to sleep we again headed for bed. She was looking great and we even had talk of her going home on Friday. I was content. This brings me to today. It is now 9:35am and I've been sitting in the room with her since 7:30am. When I came in I was a bit disheartened when I saw the nasal canula back in. She's still only on flow and no oxygen but what a step back. Apparently her oxygen levels were dropping too much overnight and this was making her more comfortable. I'm eager to hear what the doctors have to say. I'm staying put in the room until I hear from them. The alarms are driving me crazy and my body is never at rest. I don't know how Alexa will ever sleep in our quiet room again after hearing all the alarms. For now I continue to pray that she doesn't get any worse. That maybe she take a few steps forward and no steps back. Please God, we need our baby home.

Nope. I was wrong. Still worried sick!!

We've started noticing that Alexa has been breathing really weird this past day. Burt brought it to my attention the other day but I brushed it off after watching her for a second. She seems to be breathing very hard and rapid. She breathes fast for a few seconds and then pauses for about 5 seconds and then resumes breathing hard. I'm scared to death. All these horrible thoughts just come racing through my mind and I'm left in tears. Please God don't let anything be wrong with my baby. I don't know how I'd hold it together. I'm afraid to stop watching her. I'm afraid to even take a quick ten minute shower. How will I ever sleep again? She just seems so uncomfortable. She's fidgeting and squirming the whole time she's asleep. And the earliest appointment I could get was for 11:30am. I pray that she didn't catch Ebby's cold in the hospital. I swear I will kill Cindy. Then even worse thoughts start coming to mind. Please please please God!! Please make my baby okay.

The big day has come and gone

The task of typing here seems so daunting. I have had so much happen in the past few days and just don't know where to start anymore. My baby has been born. After a bit of drama she made her debut on June 16th, 2010 at 4:17am. She weighed 6lbs 15 ozs and is 19.5 inches long. She's such a peanut. With her size and her birdlike squawking I've resorted to nicknaming her "Chicken Little". All in love of course. I'm so in love and can't seem to keep my eyes off of her. Every minute of stress and every tear I've cried was all worth it. To look into her beautiful blue eyes almost makes me want to cry everytime. And if I knew that Burt wouldn't think I was off my rocker with postpartum depression I probably would cry everytime. She's amazing and beautiful and all mine. And I finally feel like I'm going to be able to keep her. That no one can take her from me now. In the beginning it was miscarriage. In the middle it was worrying about a bad diagnosis and a heartbreaking choice. In the end it was stillbirth. And now I just get to love on her. Don't get me wrong I still worry myself sick about SIDS or just finding out something is wrong with her, but now I get to snuggle her while I worry. My baby is here, living, breathing, eating, and loving me. My heart is overflowing with love for her. A love I sometimes thought I'd never get to feel again. A love I so yearned for when I got the twins fatal diagnosis. A love that drives me to be the best mom ever. And things couldn't be better. Abby and Nathan are enthralled with her. I've never seen them prouder then the day they came to meet her at the hospital. Abby rubbed her head so gently with one finger just like a loving little mommy. And Nathan smiled from ear to ear when he got to hold her for the first time. They've waited for her just as long as I have. They know she's a miracle and they appreciate that. Such wise minds for such young bodies. I hope that they hold onto that appreciation and in doing so I know we didn't lose our twins in vein. Something great has come from it. We all know how precious life is. And for that I'm grateful. I owe them babies a lot. I mean afterall had they not been diagnosed like they were Alexa wouldn't be here. And now I couldn't imagine my life without her. It seems now after all the heartache that this was the master plan. That God knew all along that I needed her in my life. That we all needed to know just how special a new life is. And now Alexa is our rainbow baby. I've always liked the term but now that she's here there is new meaning to it. I'm going to quote from a random internet stranger that explained it best. "A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of a storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color energy and hope." And that is Alexa. She's our hope and knowledge that no matter how terrible the times there is a light. There's hope. There's happiness again somewhere. She is our happiness.

So now my mission is to capture every moment of that happiness on film. I think I've become a bit obsessed about taking pictures through the years. I fear not remembering these great moments. That's my drive for taking so many pictures. Everyday that passes my babies are getting bigger and taking steps toward independence. Although I couldn't be prouder I also get sad just thinking about it. Take today for example. Today Alexa is five days old. Almost one whole week has gone by since those precious first moments with her in the hospital. I already miss them. I miss the smell of the hospital onesie she wore. I miss the wonderful nurses who showed us so much love and attention. I miss that feeling of importance when they came in to check on me every hour. I miss the sound of Alexa's heart beating away on the monitors. I just feel like it all went so fast. I wish we could stay in the bliss of those first few moments forever. And yet I'm torn because ahead of us lies something great. A lifetime of memories. An excitement for the future. I love you Alexa and can't wait to spend the rest of my life prooving to you just how special you are. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Another week has passed

I am now 38 weeks 1 day pregnant. I never thought I'd make it this far. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was so worried something would go wrong. I just never thought I'd have another baby in my arms (well, I still don't but, soon enough). I remember just how worried I was about miscarrying. I checked those pregnancy tests everyday to be sure they were getting darker. And then the 1st ultrasound when I was sure they'd tell me there was no baby or no heartbeat. And then the NT scan when I thought they'd have a terrible diagnosis to give me. And then the horrible down syndrome numbers and the long wait until my 18 weeks level two ultrasound. Just so many milestones, but I'm making it. Now my biggest worry lately is just being sure she's okay in there. I know so many things can go wrong at the end of pregnancy too that I'm just afraid to count my chickens before they've hatched. I'm like moments from crossing the finish line and yet still can't fully imagine that she'll be here soon. Rocking in her swing or being fed in my arms. There's still that small part of me that doubts I'll get to have her. So morbid and pessimistic but until she's safely breathing in my arms with a clean bill of health I'm not sure I'll believe it. Anxiety over when I'll go into labor is hitting me hard these days. Every day I wonder will today be it? Every night I lay down to go to sleep I wonder if I'll get a good nights sleep or if we'll be trekking into the hospital in the middle of the night. I'm scared to death of the pain I'll inevitably have to feel but I know I can't have Alexa without first going through the pain and that somehow makes me slightly less nervous. The pain is temporary, my love for her, forever!! As I sit here typing this and thinking of her I'm feeling her squirming around in my tummy. A foot or leg just protruding out of my tummy. I love to push back on it and see if she moves it. It's so weird to believe there is a full size newborn just hanging out in my tummy. She's in there yawning, and stretching, and sucking away on her fingers. I just can't wait for her to be out here doing it too. Anyday now my love!!

Sleep deprived before the baby comes?!

I feel like a walking zombie. No matter what I do I can't seem to get enough sleep. Last night I kicked Burt out of bed (well, nicely asked him to sleep on the couch). I thought for sure I'd be able to sleep better if I had the bed to myself, but that plan didn't work either. I was still up at least 3 times to pee and another 10 times just to roll over. Rolling over? Ha! Well that's like a workout in and of itself. It takes a good 3 separate movements just to roll from one side to the other. I'm in desperate need of a nap and I know I won't get one before the kids get out of school and I think that makes me even more tired. I had my NST this morning. The nurse hooked me up to the monitors at 9:10 and I got comfy. The idea is to monitor the baby's heart rate as I keep track of her movements. Every time I felt the baby move I had to push a little button. They were also checking on contractions but I never got any word about whether or not I was having them. At first it seemed like Alexa was moving all over the place. Then she must've gotten comfy and fallen asleep because her movements trailed off. Nothing a little apple juice couldn't cure though and soon she was a hiccuping machine. They finally took me off the monitors at 10 and I headed over to the midwives. My weight is good. I'm up 10 pounds from prepregnancy and my blood pressure was good at 116/80 or so. I met with Becca again today. We talked about my itchies and she checked on the blood work that was ordered to check for cholestasis. That came back fine. We talked about how uncomfortable I've been becoming and about all of my symptoms. I told her about how I swore that I wouldn't complain if God would just allow me to be pregnant again with a healthy baby and she brought up a good point. She said that if we never got uncomfortable then we'd never want to go through the pain of delivery. I must keep that in mind. Then I told her how worried I was about not being able to get an epidural. She told me that when I call the midwives when I'm in labor to let them know that I really want an epidural and to ask if they can let the nurses know it's okay to get my IV started and to check me and to get the ball rolling as soon as I come into the hospital and that they don't have to wait for a midwife to get there. Yippee! For once I felt like I was heard. Becca even volunteered to strip my membranes at my next appointment. Unfortunately I didn't think ahead but Becca won't even be there for my next appointment. She'll be in Costa Rica and I'll be seeing Sarah. Hopefully she won't give me a hard time about doing it either. I'm starting to get really excited now. The time seems to be going a bit faster with my once a week appointments. Even though I still have so much to do before I want this baby to arrive I'm counting down the days. Oh yea and my GBS test came back negative. That means I can leave the hospital 24 hours after delivery if I'd like. I like having options. I hate feeling like I'm a prisoner there. I'll play it by ear though. It might be nice to have that extra day to recooperate and be spoiled with attention. For now I'm off to Nate's field day. I could probably fall asleep standing up at this point but I know he'll be watching for me to show up. Boy the things we sacrifice for our children!

What a gymnast!!

It's 12:15am and I'm sitting here wide awake feeling her moving about in my tummy. Moving is not quite the right term as it seems if she's trying to break out of there. Maybe it's my position at my desk but she seems to be kicking and punching up a storm. It's actually almost uncomfortable. I have a leg kicking me in the right side of my tummy and a head butting me in the cervix and still even an arm or two punching into my lower right side. Is she getting ready for some action in there? I feel her head even lower into my pelvis tonight. Maybe she's dropped, but I've thought that before and I'm just unsure. I've vowed that tomorrow I will completely finish packing all of the hospital bags. I've got most of the things either in the bag or written down in a list to be thrown in the bag but it's definitely not completely finished. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget something.

I guess I should update about my doctor's appointment on Thursday as it was the most eventful I've had yet. Again the appointment didn't start on time. I think the office was running about one hour behind. And I had Moon as my midwife instead of Amy who I was scheduled to see. Moon is very weird. She's not very talkative and I'm not sure I like her. But rewind a bit. I went back and was weighed. I'm now officially 8 pounds over my prepregnancy weight. So somehow with all this eating I've been doing I lost 3 pounds. The nurse then took my blood pressure with the small cuff and then again with the larger one. I figured she probably got a wacky reading and wanted to use the big one to correct it. Well, the big one gave her a reading of 142/100. Not off the charts, but still high. She sent me into the potty for a urine sample to check for protein. I was then sent back into the waiting room. Soon Moon came out to get me for my appointment. She stopped in the hallway to ask how I felt and I told her I was feeling a bit off but overall okay. We continued to walk to the room. When she came in she said something about wanting to send me over to L&D to be monitored because of my pressures. With that she seemed to think the visit was over. I had all kinds of things I wanted to talk about but she seemed more interested in getting me over there. I hopped up on the table for us to take a listen to the baby's heartbeat which she seemed to listen to for a bit longer the Becca usually does and then I mentioned having to do the GBS test. She showed me how to swab myself and sent me on my way. I have to admit that I was somewhat excited about the prospect of spending the afternoon in L&D and the idea of possibly delivering, but when I got to the L&D floor that excitement soon changed. I was brought to a room and asked to change. The gown, the monitors, the baby warmer, all small reminders of the pain I'll be in soon enough. All of a sudden I wasn't so eager to deliver this baby. My nurse was amazing though. Very talkative and friendly and she even gave me a few pointers about how to efficiently ask for my epidural when it was time. She packed up my goodies (a pee jug, a pee bowl, and a pee cup) and sent me on my way with a brown bag to carry it all in. I was to do a 24 hour urine sample and bring it to the lab Saturday morning and have my blood drawn. Although relieved to have more time to pack my bags and prepare for this baby girl I'm now even more nervous then before just wondering when the big moment will be. I'm getting more uncomfortable by the day. My hips and pelvis are hurting every time I stand. My tummy hurts to just sit upright and bending over is a joke. Spending time at the pool in the cool water feels amazing though. We spent the majority of the day there and I love it! Abby and Nathan are really getting excited now. They know she could be here any day now. Abby spend a long while laying on my side while I layed on the couch today and she just held her hand to my tummy. She loves to feel Alexa move and kick. And luckily Alexa amused her sister and let off two hard kicks for her. I can't wait to see the three of them interacting. I think it all seems a bit like a dream still when I think that I'll be the mother of three children. I think for so long I just didn't want to expect that this baby would make it here safely and be snuggled in my arms but now that the days are counting down it's slowly starting to hit everyone. For so long we've been preparing for a baby but now we're preparing for our baby. One we'll hold, and kiss, and cuddle, and love for the rest of our lives. I can't wait to see her. If I can just make it through this whole labor thing...

Braxton Hicks I suppose

Last Saturday (May 22nd) I began a new nighttime regimine. I began waking up every one and a half hours to pee. I started to feel hopeful thinking that maybe this meant that the baby had dropped. The heartburnkicked up really bad and now I'm starting to have some serious braxton hicks contractions. I would love it if this little one decided to come at 37 weeks or so. Having gone over the 40 week mark with Abby and Nate I'd be surprised if that's how it worked out though. I just can't wait to meet her now. I really would love it if she could be here by the 4th of July to celebrate with us and so we could show her off to the world!!