I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back!

My little girl is sick. She's had a cough for 6 days now. I knew it was coming when I starting feeling that heavy feeling in the back of my throat. Her and I spend so much time together that I knew it was inevitable. The cough started out slowly and has now progressed to a heavy wet cough. It's worse when she first wakes up, but is still around all day and night. The worry never ends.

Wednesday we had a very fussy day. Actually it was worse then fussy. It was down right miserable! She was whiny all day but really started acting up around 5pm. I couldn't put her down. I couldn't even calm her for the majority of her screaming match. This went on for a good 3 1/2 hours until she tired herself out. I began to suspect the zantac was making her feel worse. She seemed so gassy but unable to burp it up. So Thursday morning I put a call into the doctor. When they called me back I told them the whole history/ About the trip to the NICU. The reflux diagnosis, about how I stopped her zantac before because I didn't think it was working and how I just started it back up again. I even told her about the trouble breathing Alexa had on Tuesday night that led us to a trip to CHOP's ER again. She listened very well and suggested I stop the zantac. She also suggested I try a new formula called Nutramigen. It's hypoallergenic. She started the new formula that day and seems to be a normal baby again. She had one bottle where she spit up a lot but since then there's been minimal spitting up. She even burps on her own a lot of the times. She seems content and easily calmed again. Please Lord let this be our miracle cure. I'd love to have my baby back. And oh yea, could you send my baby girl some healing vibes? I'd gladly take her cough if it meant she'd feel better. I'm so sick of being worried. It seems never ending. I thought that once she made her debut into this world I'd be a little less of a worry wart. I think she's made it worse! I love you Alexa! xoxoxo

The days seem to just run together

The baby is growing. Yesterday she went in for a weight check and she weighed 9lbs 15oz. And today the WIC nutritionist put her weight into the computer and she came out at 42nd percentile for her weight. I'm not sure how long she is so that will have to wait. Maybe I can measure her today. Nothing much has changed lately. We still have a very fussy baby on our hands. She seems to be most fussy right around dinner time and shortly there after. We have started to get onto a bit of a schedule. The past two nights in a row she's been going to sleep around 9:30pm and sleeping until 4,5, or 6am. That's a great sleeping schedule for mommy. Today I tried giving her gripe water for the first time. She guzzled it right down and shortly thereafter drifted off to sleep. It could've been a fluke though because I was holding her while I was on the phone and lord knows she loves to be held by her mommy.

The gift that keeps on giving

Yesterday I opened the mail to find a statement from Jefferson Hospital. $3500 they are charging me for stealing my babies from me last year. Is it not bad enough that tomorrow will be one year since they stopped my babies' heart from beating. And Friday will be one year from the day they ripped them from my womb!!And better yet...it's beginning to look like no one's gonna remember. I'm very sad today. I need some baby cuddles.

Sleepy. Enough said.

Last night had to be one of the most exhausting nights with Alexa yet. She has been super fussy lately and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why. The reflux is always my go to guy for any reason why she might be acting up, but this, last night, was not Mr. Reflux. She went to bed around 10:30pm after almost 2 hours of fussing. She woke up at 3am wanting to eat. I fed her her bottle and enjoyed a nice spit-up bath with every burp. After she was finished her bottle the fussing started. And just never stopped. I eventually woke Burt up and sent him downstairs for the bottle of gas drops. I gave her those and hoped for some relief. It never came. She actually got more fussy (if that was even possible) and I got up out of bed and headed downstairs. My initial thoughts were to get her out of the bedroom so Burt could fall back asleep but he followed me down. Luckily he did because my arms eventually needed a break. We walked the floor together shushing and rocking her for about an hour. Then I sent him to Pathmark for what I hoped to be "the cure". I sent him for a can of soy formula. She just seemed to be in so much pain. She had her first bottle of it this morning and so far so good. Knock on wood. She drank it with no spitting up and then laid in her cosleeper without much fussing and went peacefully back to sleep with a bit of rocking. No loud high pitch screams or scrunching up her legs in pain. It's terrible to think that the formula could've been the culprit for all of her fussy ways this whole time. My poor baby has only known a life of pain and suffering. Makes a Momma's heart break. Between the IV's, the spinal tap, the catheter, the reflux, and now this nasty mean formula making her belly hurt. I just wanted to cry for her last night. She deserves a nice peaceful sleep today. And so does Mommy.

ONE MONTH OLD!!!

Today my precious baby girl is one month old. It seems that the time has gone by so quickly and yet when I look back so much has happened. It seems like just yesterday that I was bringing her home and taking pictures of her on the front lawn next to her "It's a girl!" sign. And just yesterday that she was being admitted to the NICU. And being discharged. It's been an emotional month. I've gone through every emotion on the spectrum. The happiness and relief when she was first born and screaming her lungs out on the warmer. The fear and anxiety when I was holding her in CHOP's ER waiting for Burt to get there crying my eyes out because I couldn't comfort her crying because she was in so much pain. The helplessness I felt. The sense of peace I felt when I knew I was no longer the sole caretaker of her when they admitted her to the NICU and wheeled her up there. I knew there would be nurses there that could help me to comfort and calm her. The confusion I had when her respiratory stats kept dropping. The joy I felt when I knew she was coming home again. The nervousness I felt about her first night home. And mostly the smiles she brings to my face everytime I pick her up to snuggle with her and smell that new baby smell. She's a miracle and everyday I try to take a few seconds out of my day to thank God for her. And even on her fussiest of days I appreciate just how much she needs and wants me. She's changing everyday. I'm still waiting for her first smile and her first coos. But I'll be patient. I don't want to wish away her baby days. For now I'm just so happy that she wants to be held and cuddled. For one day I know that she'll be pushing me away and wanting her independence.

Drama is her middle name

Introducing Alexa Lynn Drama McCabe!! Hold your applause. This kid has turned into a monster. Starting on Friday July 9th I became a raging worry wart and she became a cranky miserable baby. I started noticing her rapid breathing again. I at first chalked it up to the hot weather at the pool the day before and tried to remain calm. When the weird breathing remained it took Burt about an hour of convincing to keep me from bringing her back to CHOP ER. I would've sworn she had the kids' cold and was going to be admitted again. Is it possible that maybe I have a bit of post traumatic stress syndrome from our stay at the NICU? I think so. But once Burt convinced me that she'd be okay I still had other things to worry about. Constipation. It's weird how parents become so obsessed with the frequency, color, and texture of their baby's poo. Maybe it's a parental instinct. Maybe it's just paranoia, but whatever it is, I got it! Alexa's poo has turned from a yellowish liquidy consistency to a green peanut buttery consistency. Not normal! Oh yea and she's down to going once a day now with lots of grunting and red angry faces in between. Poor baby looks so mad! Wrap that up with a bad case of reflux and upset tummy and put a bow on top and you have one unhappy, restless baby. She spent at least 3 hours awake this morning just fussing and refusing to be put down. Once I got her to sleep for a few hours I thought maybe she'd wake up in a happier mood. Wrong! I think she was even fussier then. I've begun to feel like the only time she's happy is when she's asleep. I still had one trick up my sleeve. Today Alexa had her first taste of "Little Tummy's Gas Relief Drops" and I think they're working. I gave her the minuscule dose earlier and after ten minutes of almost consistent crying she calmed down and dozed off. Now one could argue that she tired herself out from all that crying but I'm hoping and praying that it was the drops. If not I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it through the next few months. The good news is that my biceps are getting a very good work out from holding her so often.

1st bath

Last night Alexa had her first real bath. It was quite an exciting milestone for everyone. The kids have been waiting since she was born to be able to help wash her. Everyday they'd ask, "When is Alexa's cord gonna fall off?" And everyday I'd explain. So last night at 10:30pm we did it. While the kids cleaned up their room Burt and I woke the baby up. We even layed her in the empty tub for a few minutes just to see how well she'd fit. Once the kids were done we filled it up and went to town. Surprisingly she didn't hate it. She calmly sat there when I first put her in. And even enjoyed it until it came time to wash her hair. She didn't like that part so much. Afterwards I dressed her in some snuggly jammies and warmed her up. Daddy fed her one last bottle for the night and she zonked out. Thank God because Mommy did too!

How time flys when you're having fun

Another day is quickly passing. My baby girl is 20 days old today. And we've marked her 20th day of life with a cranky baby in the morning and lots of sleeping since about 3pm. She's quite the sleeper actually. She's had me worried a few times about just how much she was sleeping. I'm a worry wart now. Thank you NICU! Yesterday was her first 4th of July. She even made her debut in the parade at the pool. The youngest participant. She wore a really cute red, white, and blue outfit with a red headband and red, white, and blue flower. I wish I would've taken a picture of all three kids in their matching outfits but the older two ran off to the pool too quickly. Oh well, there's always next year. We spent the day BBQ'ing at the pool with Amanda, Juan, Mom Mom, Matt, and Frankie. Aunt Cindy and Chase made a stop too. Mommy had a toothache for most of the day so I didn't get to enjoy much of the food we worked so hard to prepare, but everyone else seemed to really like it. I'm still nursing myself back to health after the delivery (if you know what I mean) so no swimming for me either. I'm hoping another week and I'll be diving in with the rest of them.

I'm hoping to give Alexa her 1st bath tonight. Perhaps after a quick dinner. I'm going to have Daddy video tape and take pictures while I wash her. Another big milestone!

Too much big girl stuff

It's been a crazy few days. We're all still trying to adjust to this new chaotic life. Before Alexa we had everything down pat. The kids knew the routine and folowed it rather well even when there was no routine. Now we throw a newborn into the mix and the stress level rises. It's even hard just running out the door to Walmart. What do you pack? Do you have everything? Has she eaten recently? Where's the nuk nuk? All these things race through your head as you're looking for the keys and Abby and Nathan's flip flops. I'm hoping as we get used to it things won't seem so bad. The stress has taken a toll on mine and Burt's relationship. He has started to pick up on my cues for him to pitch in a bit more but the damage has been done and now I need to work on forgiving and forgetting. I'm like that. I hold grudges. In other news...today is the fourth of July, and yesterday was the third. For some reason all of the community festivities happened then. We took Mom Mom up on her offer to watch Lexi while Burt, the kids, and I went to see Collingdale's fireworks. The fireworks were great and the kids met up with a few of their friends there and ran and played and had a great time. When we got home Mom Mom informed me that Alexa had been up the whole time. This gave me a sense of relief because she had been asleep for 99% of the day. I had started to worry that maybe she was sick. I even took her temperature, Then I got a sneaking suspicion that maybe her sleepiness was caused by the zantac she had started taking for her reflux. After about 7 hours of it being in her system it seeemed as if it was comletely worn off by time we were leaving for the fireworks. "Yay" for a happy & relieved Momma! After watching Alexa for us Mom Mom stuck around and entertained the kids while Burt and I started cooking everything for the cookout. What a help that was! Right before she was about to leave I started changing Alexa into her PJ's for the night and to my surprise as I unbuttoned the bottom of her outfit I saw a dark thing stuck to the outside of her diaper. It took me a second but I then realized that it was her cord. Somewhere between the time that Mom Mom had changed her diaper and Mommy was changing it again it fell off. My baby is a big girl. I remember feeling a great sense of sadness when Nathan and Abby's cord had fallen off. I felt like the last little part of our bond was gone. That cord was the thing that sustained her life for so many months inside of me. And now it's gone. She's growing so quickly. A part of me is relieved that it is gone. For the same reason that Abby and Nathan losing theirs made me sad, I get some relief when I think of her falling off. It means she's getting older and for me getting older makes her a bit less fragile and a bit less likely to get sick again. It gives Momma's nerves a break from all the worrying. I don't want her to grow too quickly but just quickly enough for me to enjoy her and let my guard down a bit. Does that make sense? This NICU experience has opened my eyes to just how fragile newborns can be. But the princess has called, I mean cried. And now she's laying peacefully in my left arm making it impossible to type. More updates to come.