Why am I dreading this?

So I feel like I've been putting of posting in this blog for some reason. Every time I think about posting something inside of me whines like a baby, I don't wannnnnnaaaa!!! I think it's just the thought of updating about everything since the last post like 2 or 3 weeks ago. So here goes. Nothing much has changed. I am still preggo! Ya-hoo!! Today I am 10 weeks 2 days. Symptoms wise I'm starting to feel better. I seem to have a bit more energy. This weekend I even mustered up the energy to pull out the Christmas decorations and to decorate the outside of the apartment. That for me is a big accomplishment when only 2 weeks ago I didn't feel like moving from the couch to cook dinner. The nausea is starting to subside. Right now it seems to be back with a vengeance but I think that's because of this crappy cold have. My nose drips into the back of my throat and down into my tummy and makes me sick. Or I cough so hard that I gag myself resulting in an upset tummy also. So I think it's safe to say that my gag reflex is still super sensitive. Today I had a midwife appointment. My test results came back that I am not a carrier of cystic fibrosis. That I am O+ and that I am no longer immune to the German measles. Go figure! I have lost 4 pounds since my last appointment and my blood pressure was a bit high at 130/72. As the nurse was sending me into the bathroom for a urine sample to check for proteins in my urine I told her that Burt and I had just had a heated discussion on the phone as I was driving to my appointment. I commented about how I'm sure that's what had my blood pressure up so high. She agreed. After a quick test she came back to the room to let me know there was a minimal amount of protein there and that is normal for a pregnant woman. Note to self: practice calming breaths before my next appointment. I had my pap smear done. That's always fun! And I asked if renting a doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat at home was a waste of money. She assured me that their dopper cost $1,000 and sometimes they even have a hard time finding it and if ever I felt worried enough I could go into the office and just have a heartbeat check done. Becca is so understanding of everything I've been through. She makes that clear all the time. She is so willing to do anything to make me feel better. I am so happy I'm staying with them. I can't wait to bring my healthy, happy baby in to their office at my 6 weeks postpartum check up. God willing!! My triple screening is coming up soon. 14 more days actually. I can't wait to see this little pumpkin again. Arms waving and legs dancing, or yea and of course heart beating. Please God let this baby be healthy. I'm definitely scared but excited at the same time. Alright so updating is now officially OVER. I must go about my motherly duties. Dinner to be made, homeworks to be done, and bedtime.

What a crybaby!

I admit! I am! I'm a big crybaby! It's got to be those pregnancy hormones. Lately every baby show I watch I cry. I cry when the mother gives birth. I cry when they bring the baby home for the first time. I even cried when I checked up on the ttc with clomid board on Ivillage. I'm a mess. I think this time around I'm having every pregnancy symptom one can have. I watched pregnancy for dummies -1st trimester yesterday and could relate with every symptom they named. Frequent urination-check! Sore bb's- check! Nausea-check! Fatgue, hungry all the time, emotional- check! check! and check! Now the count down is on until my 12 week NT scan on Dec 14th. It still seems so far away but I know with each passing day I'm getting that much closer. I just can't wait to see our pumpkin actually looking like a baby. More importantly I can't wait to surprise the kids although I have to say I am a bit saddened because I know they won't be as excited as last time. I'm worried they too might be a bit reserved. I really just want to get to the stage of the game where my tummy is big and they can feel the baby kicking. Then I think it will be real to them. We've made so many trips to Babies R Us over the years that I just think this baby thing seems like it will never happen for them. I hate rushing my life but c'mon 40 weeks just get here already!! Today I am 8 weeks 3 days. I'm starting to get excited for Christmas. I love the month of December. Not only am I not concerned about money but I love the Christmas feel. I love the Christmas music in stores. I love all the good sales. And I love making memories with my babies. Although I do miss Burt being as he works so much. What's that saying again? Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Luckily his three months off work will be the most exciting times of this pregnancy. We'll be finding out the gender the end of January I believe and can start out shopping after that. So exciting!!

Rain Rain Go Away

8 weeks pregnant

So it's been raining for 4 days straight now thanks to Hurricane or Tropical Storm Ida. It's just miserable. It's so hard to get motivated these days even when the sun is shining but in the rain, it's darn near impossible. Burt's been off for the past three days. In fact he's only worked for Bob for a total of 11 hours this week. What a huge paycheck that'll be. The good news is he's very motivated and he's gone out and even gotten work done in the rain. He's even out working in it now. Only a few more weeks until tree time. Then we won't see him for almost an entire month. It's definitely a hard month for me. Essentially I am a single mom. I make the most of it though and try to schedule lots of fun christmassy stuff to do. The kids don't usually start to miss him until the very end so it's not too bad on them.

In other news, pregnancy news, like I said above I've been feeling rather unmotivated and kinda yucky these past few days. The nausea is passing. Not gagging too often now, but I think I've learned to manage it. I only start to get nauseous when I'm really hungry. As long as I eat before I get to that point I'm alright. But I do know what I want and when I want it. Before being pregnant I always had a hard time choosing what I wanted to eat. Now it just comes to me and I NEED to have it. I'm still having a bit of an issue with brushing my teeth. Some days I just wish I didn't have to. I gag and gag until I finally feel like I'm really close to throwing up and by then luckily I'm done brushing. My pants are getting snugger by the day. My jeans are just darn right uncomfortable to wear now and the tummy sleeve I bought just rolls up my tummy. We still haven't told the kids yet but I know they suspect it. They even came in the room the other night after Burt and I were having a conversation about it and Nathan said something about me being pregnant. I assured him I was not and that he was crazy. I'd really like to wait still until after the NT scan. Then I want to surprise them with a big sister and big brother t-shirt. Time is just dragging by though. I'm sure once December rolls around it will go faster but this is killing me. I just want some more reassurance that this baby is doing well in there. It's so hard to trust your body after it's betrayed you twice. Stay healthy little one. I'm excited to see you again on the 14th. Until then xoxoxo!

It came and went and I'm still smiling!

Today was the big day. Drum roll please...............We have a baby in the uterus measuring 7 weeks 1 day with a heartbeat of 153 bpm!!!! YAY! I was a nervous wreck this morning. Burt and I left at 9:00am and headed over to wawa for a pack of gum. I grabbed a bag of sour worms and downed them in the car. I was too nervous to eat breakfast but sour worms went down smoothly. We arrived at the hospital and filled out some paperwork. No sooner then two minutes after I handed in my paperwork, the u/s tech was calling us to follow her. As I followed the tech I realized we were getting closer and closer to the u/s room that we got our horrible news in with the last pregnancy. For a brief second I thought "Oh no! Not this room!" but the fear soon subsided and she told me to lay down on the table. One look at the u/s machine and I was no longer thinking about last time but about this time and this pregnancy. I laid on the table and she immediately put the transducer to my tummy. I scanned the screen and saw a gestational sac. I watched intently as she wiggled it back and forth on my tummy and I noticed a little blob in the sac. There was definitely a baby in there. Now was there a heartbeat? She started taking measurements and I just waited patiently. Burt watched the screen and asked the questions as they came to him. He kept saying, "Is there one sac? Is there one baby?" The tech was very understanding and answered the questions as he asked them. When he saw a flickering he said, "Is that the heartbeat?" She said "Yes." Thank God!! Then he asked her how fast the heartbeat was. She said "153". Then our concerns turned to whether there was one or two in the sac. She had me empty my bladder and then she did an internal u/s. You can always see a much clearer picture with an internal so I was happy. Not comfortable but happy. When she was satisfied and able to tell us it was just one she turned off the machine and stated instructing us on where to go to meet with Dr. Weiners. She tore off a strip of pictures which I assumed were for me. Silly me! And then I realized they were for the doctor. At that point I asked her if she could print me a couple and she did. I got dressed and headed back to the office. There Dr. Weiners shook out hands and congratulated us. He said it looks like one baby and everything looks great. I scheduled the triple screen u/s for Dec 14th at 10am and we left. I remember a small sense of relief but I still feel a bit reserved as far as my feelings go. I feel if I let myself get to attached I may just get hurt all over again. It's so hard to balance those feelings with the love I already have for this baby. I guess it's just really hard to believe we might actually get to bring a baby home this time. Maybe it's because the last pregnancy started out the same way. We were completely clueless at 7 weeks what we would be in store for 9 weeks later. I've got to think positively though. This baby deserves a chance to feel some optimism too! After figuring out what level we parked on (both of us were so nervous on the way in we never even checked) we headed out to lunch. Friendly's it was and boy was it delicious. We even made a pit stop at BRU and walked around checking out all the new stuff. I'm starting to get excited about telling the kids. I want to make it something special so I've gotta get creative. So there's the recap. Next milestone the u/s at 12 weeks 2 days. Can't wait to see our baby looking like a real baby. I've never had an u/s at 12 weeks and I'm so excited. 35 more sleeps to go. lol

A bundle of nerves!

Tomorrow is the big day. It could be an extremely incredible day or an absolutely horrible day. It's crazy to think that our lives boil down to a handful of absolutely horrible days and a plethora of extremely incredible days. Some days just make or break you. Tomorrow is one of them. I keep trying to imagine how it's going to go and the thought sometimes brings me to tears. First I imagine the good outcome. The one where the tech says well there's the heartbeat. Oh! And there's another heartbeat! (Or just one heartbeat, I won't be picky) And then he/she will add the baby looks great. And we'll get a great picture for the baby book and walk out of there beaming with pride. The other, not so good outcome is the one where the tech puts the transducer to my tummy and says, I'm sorry there is no baby. Or I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. You can expect to miscarry any day now. I'm just not quite sure how I'd pick up the broken pieces of my life again and walk out of that hospital. It just can't happen that way. I've been trying to look at this with the naivety of my first two pregnancies and think to myself, at 7 weeks when I was pregnant with Abby I wasn't thinking about getting an ultrasound to see if there was a baby. I assumed that everything was fine and it was. It's a shame really. When Burt and I talked about how many children we wanted I always wanted a large family. Now with our losses I can't imagine having to go through these weeks of worry ever again. The thought of how many more milestones I have to pass before I get to bring home a healthy baby is just overwhelming. I tried my best to keep my mind occupied today. I just about begged Burt to go to the zoo today just to keep me busy. My tummy had felt a bit crampy and my back was throbbing. I needed to keep any negative thoughts from my mind. So,with a bit of bribery, I talked him into going. We walked around the zoo checking out the animals that we've seen probably 25 times or so. Something about watching the animals is so peaceful to me. They have no worries. They're food is brought to them at the same time everyday. Most do nothing but lay around and bask in the sunlight. Some fight over food or territory but they're never stressed. With all the crazy thoughts piercing my brain I needed to relax so it was nice. We even waited in line for about an hour to take a ride on the zoo balloon. Burt is afraid of heights and I'm not really a big fan, but Abby was adament about going up, so we did. The day went rather smoothly and now it's almost bedtime for the kids. Ten a.m. seems like an eternity away but I've waited this long, what's one more night?! Oh God, if you're listening please grant me this miracle. I know children are a blessing. I know things happen in your time. I know I have no control over life. What more can I learn from all of these bad experiences? I just want to love another baby. Please give us a healthy baby!? Thank you.

Baked Ziti at 9am anyone else?

So I think I have my first official craving. This morning shortly after dropping the kids at school I had an overwhelming urge for Sbarros baked ziti. I tried pushing the idea out of my head being as Sbarros is all the way up at the Springfield Mall but the craving followed me all day. Finally I gave in to a bowl of buttered noodles. Carbs! My tummy has been quite nauseous today. Which is a good thing. Yesterday and the day before I had been feeling great and got really worried that something was wrong. But today I fished my wish because the nausea was back in full swing. Only 3 more sleeps to go until the ultrasound. Ugh! So many things racing through my mind. Will there be a heartbeat? Will there be two heartbeats? Will they be able to tell if it's conjoined twins again? Will they tell me my fluid looks low? So many worries being pregnant but I wouldn't give it up for the world. I knew this would be 40 weeks worth of worry. But I'm ready for it, one day at a time. I still have that wet leaking feeling. I think that has me most worried now. If I still feel like that after the u/s on Monday I may swing by the midwives just to talk with them about it. That's what they get paid the big bucks for right? Alright well my baked ziti should be here any minute. I had to make due with an order of it from Sue's Kitchen. Let's hope they can compare.

Am I leaking?!

Yea, sounds weird, but I've been having some crazy leakage of some sort. Everyone says it's normal so I'm sticking with that to ease my mind but this ultrasound can't come soon enough. I just need to know there is a healthy little baby in there. I need to know there is a heartbeat. The past two days my nausea has subsided a bit and you know that's always a cause for worry for a woman who has been through the losses I have. I just want some reassurance. I want to be able to take a nice deep breathe. I feel like these small shallow breaths are going to suffocate me. STRESS!! I had a crazy dream last night. I keep dreaming that I have or give birth to a baby girl. Last night I had a baby girl but didn't have anything for her. I was going out at 9pm to Babies R Us to buy a car seat and stroller then I was trying to go to the mall to buy her some clothes. Completely out of character actually. Everyone knows that I have enough stuff here to completely sustain a newborn for at least a month. lol The dreams are just so vivid and real. Time seems to be moving so slowly these past few days. I haven't accomplished much around the house due to lack of motivation, but I still manage to at least straighten up. Tomorrow I have jury duty. Woo-hoo!! Not looking forward to that. You know they make it mandatory because if they didn't no one would volunteer to do it. At least I don't have to worry about taking off of work but I do have to arrange for someone to drop off and pick up the kids from school. I just don't like the unknown. In fact, I think that is one of my biggest fears. I don't like spontaneity or surprise either. See, one could learn alot from me by reading all this. Alright well back to the couch for me. It just seems to be calling my name lately. It's quite chilly outside and I'm looking forward to wrapping up in a warm blanket and watching my shows. Ta ta for now!!

Another day of nausea

Today is 30 dpo. I am 6 weeks 2 days pregnant. My ticker says that the baby or babies are developing arm and leg buds and are about the size of a grain of rice. It's amazing that something so small can cause such ruckus with a mother's body. I'm exhausted and sick all day everyday. On one hand I love it because I can easily be reassured that everything is okay on the other hand my house is falling apart and my responsibilities are piling up. Today I napped on the couch for 2 hours instead of going food shopping. At least Burt is understanding and he pitches in when he sees I'm starting to get bogged down. Only 7 more sleeps until the much awaited u/s. I'm still so p in the air about whether I wish for it to be twins or just one. With one I am guaranteed to be able to stay with the midwives. With two I'll probably have to switch doctors and now that I've worked it all out with the midwives I'd really hate to leave them. But boy oh boy would twins be fun and exciting. I know I'll be even more of a nervous wreck but I definitely think they'd be worth it. But it's in God's hands. I just want a healthy baby. Two would be a bonus! Again, I send up prayers and ask my God to give us a healthy beautiful baby.