Nope. I was wrong. Still worried sick!!

We've started noticing that Alexa has been breathing really weird this past day. Burt brought it to my attention the other day but I brushed it off after watching her for a second. She seems to be breathing very hard and rapid. She breathes fast for a few seconds and then pauses for about 5 seconds and then resumes breathing hard. I'm scared to death. All these horrible thoughts just come racing through my mind and I'm left in tears. Please God don't let anything be wrong with my baby. I don't know how I'd hold it together. I'm afraid to stop watching her. I'm afraid to even take a quick ten minute shower. How will I ever sleep again? She just seems so uncomfortable. She's fidgeting and squirming the whole time she's asleep. And the earliest appointment I could get was for 11:30am. I pray that she didn't catch Ebby's cold in the hospital. I swear I will kill Cindy. Then even worse thoughts start coming to mind. Please please please God!! Please make my baby okay.

The big day has come and gone

The task of typing here seems so daunting. I have had so much happen in the past few days and just don't know where to start anymore. My baby has been born. After a bit of drama she made her debut on June 16th, 2010 at 4:17am. She weighed 6lbs 15 ozs and is 19.5 inches long. She's such a peanut. With her size and her birdlike squawking I've resorted to nicknaming her "Chicken Little". All in love of course. I'm so in love and can't seem to keep my eyes off of her. Every minute of stress and every tear I've cried was all worth it. To look into her beautiful blue eyes almost makes me want to cry everytime. And if I knew that Burt wouldn't think I was off my rocker with postpartum depression I probably would cry everytime. She's amazing and beautiful and all mine. And I finally feel like I'm going to be able to keep her. That no one can take her from me now. In the beginning it was miscarriage. In the middle it was worrying about a bad diagnosis and a heartbreaking choice. In the end it was stillbirth. And now I just get to love on her. Don't get me wrong I still worry myself sick about SIDS or just finding out something is wrong with her, but now I get to snuggle her while I worry. My baby is here, living, breathing, eating, and loving me. My heart is overflowing with love for her. A love I sometimes thought I'd never get to feel again. A love I so yearned for when I got the twins fatal diagnosis. A love that drives me to be the best mom ever. And things couldn't be better. Abby and Nathan are enthralled with her. I've never seen them prouder then the day they came to meet her at the hospital. Abby rubbed her head so gently with one finger just like a loving little mommy. And Nathan smiled from ear to ear when he got to hold her for the first time. They've waited for her just as long as I have. They know she's a miracle and they appreciate that. Such wise minds for such young bodies. I hope that they hold onto that appreciation and in doing so I know we didn't lose our twins in vein. Something great has come from it. We all know how precious life is. And for that I'm grateful. I owe them babies a lot. I mean afterall had they not been diagnosed like they were Alexa wouldn't be here. And now I couldn't imagine my life without her. It seems now after all the heartache that this was the master plan. That God knew all along that I needed her in my life. That we all needed to know just how special a new life is. And now Alexa is our rainbow baby. I've always liked the term but now that she's here there is new meaning to it. I'm going to quote from a random internet stranger that explained it best. "A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of a storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color energy and hope." And that is Alexa. She's our hope and knowledge that no matter how terrible the times there is a light. There's hope. There's happiness again somewhere. She is our happiness.

So now my mission is to capture every moment of that happiness on film. I think I've become a bit obsessed about taking pictures through the years. I fear not remembering these great moments. That's my drive for taking so many pictures. Everyday that passes my babies are getting bigger and taking steps toward independence. Although I couldn't be prouder I also get sad just thinking about it. Take today for example. Today Alexa is five days old. Almost one whole week has gone by since those precious first moments with her in the hospital. I already miss them. I miss the smell of the hospital onesie she wore. I miss the wonderful nurses who showed us so much love and attention. I miss that feeling of importance when they came in to check on me every hour. I miss the sound of Alexa's heart beating away on the monitors. I just feel like it all went so fast. I wish we could stay in the bliss of those first few moments forever. And yet I'm torn because ahead of us lies something great. A lifetime of memories. An excitement for the future. I love you Alexa and can't wait to spend the rest of my life prooving to you just how special you are. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Another week has passed

I am now 38 weeks 1 day pregnant. I never thought I'd make it this far. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was so worried something would go wrong. I just never thought I'd have another baby in my arms (well, I still don't but, soon enough). I remember just how worried I was about miscarrying. I checked those pregnancy tests everyday to be sure they were getting darker. And then the 1st ultrasound when I was sure they'd tell me there was no baby or no heartbeat. And then the NT scan when I thought they'd have a terrible diagnosis to give me. And then the horrible down syndrome numbers and the long wait until my 18 weeks level two ultrasound. Just so many milestones, but I'm making it. Now my biggest worry lately is just being sure she's okay in there. I know so many things can go wrong at the end of pregnancy too that I'm just afraid to count my chickens before they've hatched. I'm like moments from crossing the finish line and yet still can't fully imagine that she'll be here soon. Rocking in her swing or being fed in my arms. There's still that small part of me that doubts I'll get to have her. So morbid and pessimistic but until she's safely breathing in my arms with a clean bill of health I'm not sure I'll believe it. Anxiety over when I'll go into labor is hitting me hard these days. Every day I wonder will today be it? Every night I lay down to go to sleep I wonder if I'll get a good nights sleep or if we'll be trekking into the hospital in the middle of the night. I'm scared to death of the pain I'll inevitably have to feel but I know I can't have Alexa without first going through the pain and that somehow makes me slightly less nervous. The pain is temporary, my love for her, forever!! As I sit here typing this and thinking of her I'm feeling her squirming around in my tummy. A foot or leg just protruding out of my tummy. I love to push back on it and see if she moves it. It's so weird to believe there is a full size newborn just hanging out in my tummy. She's in there yawning, and stretching, and sucking away on her fingers. I just can't wait for her to be out here doing it too. Anyday now my love!!

Sleep deprived before the baby comes?!

I feel like a walking zombie. No matter what I do I can't seem to get enough sleep. Last night I kicked Burt out of bed (well, nicely asked him to sleep on the couch). I thought for sure I'd be able to sleep better if I had the bed to myself, but that plan didn't work either. I was still up at least 3 times to pee and another 10 times just to roll over. Rolling over? Ha! Well that's like a workout in and of itself. It takes a good 3 separate movements just to roll from one side to the other. I'm in desperate need of a nap and I know I won't get one before the kids get out of school and I think that makes me even more tired. I had my NST this morning. The nurse hooked me up to the monitors at 9:10 and I got comfy. The idea is to monitor the baby's heart rate as I keep track of her movements. Every time I felt the baby move I had to push a little button. They were also checking on contractions but I never got any word about whether or not I was having them. At first it seemed like Alexa was moving all over the place. Then she must've gotten comfy and fallen asleep because her movements trailed off. Nothing a little apple juice couldn't cure though and soon she was a hiccuping machine. They finally took me off the monitors at 10 and I headed over to the midwives. My weight is good. I'm up 10 pounds from prepregnancy and my blood pressure was good at 116/80 or so. I met with Becca again today. We talked about my itchies and she checked on the blood work that was ordered to check for cholestasis. That came back fine. We talked about how uncomfortable I've been becoming and about all of my symptoms. I told her about how I swore that I wouldn't complain if God would just allow me to be pregnant again with a healthy baby and she brought up a good point. She said that if we never got uncomfortable then we'd never want to go through the pain of delivery. I must keep that in mind. Then I told her how worried I was about not being able to get an epidural. She told me that when I call the midwives when I'm in labor to let them know that I really want an epidural and to ask if they can let the nurses know it's okay to get my IV started and to check me and to get the ball rolling as soon as I come into the hospital and that they don't have to wait for a midwife to get there. Yippee! For once I felt like I was heard. Becca even volunteered to strip my membranes at my next appointment. Unfortunately I didn't think ahead but Becca won't even be there for my next appointment. She'll be in Costa Rica and I'll be seeing Sarah. Hopefully she won't give me a hard time about doing it either. I'm starting to get really excited now. The time seems to be going a bit faster with my once a week appointments. Even though I still have so much to do before I want this baby to arrive I'm counting down the days. Oh yea and my GBS test came back negative. That means I can leave the hospital 24 hours after delivery if I'd like. I like having options. I hate feeling like I'm a prisoner there. I'll play it by ear though. It might be nice to have that extra day to recooperate and be spoiled with attention. For now I'm off to Nate's field day. I could probably fall asleep standing up at this point but I know he'll be watching for me to show up. Boy the things we sacrifice for our children!

What a gymnast!!

It's 12:15am and I'm sitting here wide awake feeling her moving about in my tummy. Moving is not quite the right term as it seems if she's trying to break out of there. Maybe it's my position at my desk but she seems to be kicking and punching up a storm. It's actually almost uncomfortable. I have a leg kicking me in the right side of my tummy and a head butting me in the cervix and still even an arm or two punching into my lower right side. Is she getting ready for some action in there? I feel her head even lower into my pelvis tonight. Maybe she's dropped, but I've thought that before and I'm just unsure. I've vowed that tomorrow I will completely finish packing all of the hospital bags. I've got most of the things either in the bag or written down in a list to be thrown in the bag but it's definitely not completely finished. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget something.

I guess I should update about my doctor's appointment on Thursday as it was the most eventful I've had yet. Again the appointment didn't start on time. I think the office was running about one hour behind. And I had Moon as my midwife instead of Amy who I was scheduled to see. Moon is very weird. She's not very talkative and I'm not sure I like her. But rewind a bit. I went back and was weighed. I'm now officially 8 pounds over my prepregnancy weight. So somehow with all this eating I've been doing I lost 3 pounds. The nurse then took my blood pressure with the small cuff and then again with the larger one. I figured she probably got a wacky reading and wanted to use the big one to correct it. Well, the big one gave her a reading of 142/100. Not off the charts, but still high. She sent me into the potty for a urine sample to check for protein. I was then sent back into the waiting room. Soon Moon came out to get me for my appointment. She stopped in the hallway to ask how I felt and I told her I was feeling a bit off but overall okay. We continued to walk to the room. When she came in she said something about wanting to send me over to L&D to be monitored because of my pressures. With that she seemed to think the visit was over. I had all kinds of things I wanted to talk about but she seemed more interested in getting me over there. I hopped up on the table for us to take a listen to the baby's heartbeat which she seemed to listen to for a bit longer the Becca usually does and then I mentioned having to do the GBS test. She showed me how to swab myself and sent me on my way. I have to admit that I was somewhat excited about the prospect of spending the afternoon in L&D and the idea of possibly delivering, but when I got to the L&D floor that excitement soon changed. I was brought to a room and asked to change. The gown, the monitors, the baby warmer, all small reminders of the pain I'll be in soon enough. All of a sudden I wasn't so eager to deliver this baby. My nurse was amazing though. Very talkative and friendly and she even gave me a few pointers about how to efficiently ask for my epidural when it was time. She packed up my goodies (a pee jug, a pee bowl, and a pee cup) and sent me on my way with a brown bag to carry it all in. I was to do a 24 hour urine sample and bring it to the lab Saturday morning and have my blood drawn. Although relieved to have more time to pack my bags and prepare for this baby girl I'm now even more nervous then before just wondering when the big moment will be. I'm getting more uncomfortable by the day. My hips and pelvis are hurting every time I stand. My tummy hurts to just sit upright and bending over is a joke. Spending time at the pool in the cool water feels amazing though. We spent the majority of the day there and I love it! Abby and Nathan are really getting excited now. They know she could be here any day now. Abby spend a long while laying on my side while I layed on the couch today and she just held her hand to my tummy. She loves to feel Alexa move and kick. And luckily Alexa amused her sister and let off two hard kicks for her. I can't wait to see the three of them interacting. I think it all seems a bit like a dream still when I think that I'll be the mother of three children. I think for so long I just didn't want to expect that this baby would make it here safely and be snuggled in my arms but now that the days are counting down it's slowly starting to hit everyone. For so long we've been preparing for a baby but now we're preparing for our baby. One we'll hold, and kiss, and cuddle, and love for the rest of our lives. I can't wait to see her. If I can just make it through this whole labor thing...

Braxton Hicks I suppose

Last Saturday (May 22nd) I began a new nighttime regimine. I began waking up every one and a half hours to pee. I started to feel hopeful thinking that maybe this meant that the baby had dropped. The heartburnkicked up really bad and now I'm starting to have some serious braxton hicks contractions. I would love it if this little one decided to come at 37 weeks or so. Having gone over the 40 week mark with Abby and Nate I'd be surprised if that's how it worked out though. I just can't wait to meet her now. I really would love it if she could be here by the 4th of July to celebrate with us and so we could show her off to the world!!

I want my normal peaceful life back

So again, it's been awhile. I swore I was going to record every moment of this pregnancy but so it happens and I don't make the time. Let's catch up a bit. I had another ultrasound on May 12th. The midwives thought I was measuring a bit big and sent me for one to ease both of our minds. My mom and Amanda came with which was a nice change. Burt couldn't make it because he had work. After a long morning which consisted of chasing around a tiny white feeder mouse and rushing to get in the shower and make it to the appointment on time...we got to see my bay-bah! She's getting so big in there and oh so healthy! They estimate her weight at 33 weeks and 4 days to be 5lbs 6 oz which comes out to be 55th percentile. I'm hoping her weight gain slows down a bit as I don't want to be pushing out a 9lb baby but I'll take what I can get. She's head down and her back was rounding up my left side. The scan was quite quick. We waited in the room for the doctor to come in and go over the results with me and then we were out of there. He said placenta looks great! Fluid level looked great! And baby was measuring perfectly! And that's where all the perfectness ended. Thursday morning I woke up with a few bug bites on my legs. Very itchy bug bites might I add. Then Friday morning I woke up with hives going up my neck and up my face. I called the midwives to be sure it was nothing pregnancy related and they instructed me to call my primary. My primary was already out of the office for the day so I decided to struggle through. I made it all the way until Saturday morning when the intense itchiness was undeniable. I made a call to the on call doctor and she called me in a steroid cream. The cream helped a bit and I went about my daily activities. By Saturday night when I was ready to relax and watch a movie I started rubbing the cream on my itchy legs. I pulled up my pant leg on my right leg and saw that one of the bites was completely red, "angry", and infected looking. Burt insisted we go to the ER. I called my mom and she came right over to sit with the kids. The ER concluded that the bite was infected and prescribed some antibiotics. As for the other rashes they gave me some prednisone and sent me on my way with instructions to follow up with my primary. They all were guessing but said that it was probably an allergic reaction of some sort. General and vague, I know! The prednisone made the itchiness controllable and the antibiotics took away the redness of the bite but I was still left with this weird rash in between my fingers and blisters all over my hands and fingers. It was gross. When I met with the midwives for my next appointment, I was still covered in rashes. Oh yea and I've gained a total of 11 pounds. My blood pressure was normal at 120 something over 80 something. And I measured right on a 34 centimeters. Anyways, Becca was amazed at the rash and could only conclude that it might be some sort of autoimmune reaction. Thanks Becca! She insisted I call her after my appointment with my primary to tell her what they thought it was. She was truly interested! That same day Nathan came home with a rash covering his tummy and back. Before long the rash had crept up the sides of his face and was behind his ears. His pediatrician thought it could be some sort of contact dermatitis or a virus manifesting in a rash. Thanks doc! So this lead to him begin home from school for three days. Did I forget to mention that this is the same week that I volunteered to watch Burt's friend's son Joey? Yea, a two year old. Fun! Fun! It's been a long week. I'm tired, I'm swollen, and I'm starting to get really uncomfortable when I'm sleeping. I drool way to much and I wake up to pee about 5 times a night. I swore I wouldn't complain about all of these things because I was just so grateful to be pregnant again, but waaaaaahhhhh! It's so hard! My ankles are literally the size of my calves. That's not sexy. And to boot I've been covered with itchy rashes, ugly blisters, and I couldn't shave my legs. Talk about a real self esteem booster. I'm just looking forward to Monday when hopefully life goes back to normal. Nathan should be back in school by then, my rash should be almost completely gone and there will be no more Joey. Maybe I'll get in three more weeks of relaxation. You think? I can only hope!!