I want my normal peaceful life back

So again, it's been awhile. I swore I was going to record every moment of this pregnancy but so it happens and I don't make the time. Let's catch up a bit. I had another ultrasound on May 12th. The midwives thought I was measuring a bit big and sent me for one to ease both of our minds. My mom and Amanda came with which was a nice change. Burt couldn't make it because he had work. After a long morning which consisted of chasing around a tiny white feeder mouse and rushing to get in the shower and make it to the appointment on time...we got to see my bay-bah! She's getting so big in there and oh so healthy! They estimate her weight at 33 weeks and 4 days to be 5lbs 6 oz which comes out to be 55th percentile. I'm hoping her weight gain slows down a bit as I don't want to be pushing out a 9lb baby but I'll take what I can get. She's head down and her back was rounding up my left side. The scan was quite quick. We waited in the room for the doctor to come in and go over the results with me and then we were out of there. He said placenta looks great! Fluid level looked great! And baby was measuring perfectly! And that's where all the perfectness ended. Thursday morning I woke up with a few bug bites on my legs. Very itchy bug bites might I add. Then Friday morning I woke up with hives going up my neck and up my face. I called the midwives to be sure it was nothing pregnancy related and they instructed me to call my primary. My primary was already out of the office for the day so I decided to struggle through. I made it all the way until Saturday morning when the intense itchiness was undeniable. I made a call to the on call doctor and she called me in a steroid cream. The cream helped a bit and I went about my daily activities. By Saturday night when I was ready to relax and watch a movie I started rubbing the cream on my itchy legs. I pulled up my pant leg on my right leg and saw that one of the bites was completely red, "angry", and infected looking. Burt insisted we go to the ER. I called my mom and she came right over to sit with the kids. The ER concluded that the bite was infected and prescribed some antibiotics. As for the other rashes they gave me some prednisone and sent me on my way with instructions to follow up with my primary. They all were guessing but said that it was probably an allergic reaction of some sort. General and vague, I know! The prednisone made the itchiness controllable and the antibiotics took away the redness of the bite but I was still left with this weird rash in between my fingers and blisters all over my hands and fingers. It was gross. When I met with the midwives for my next appointment, I was still covered in rashes. Oh yea and I've gained a total of 11 pounds. My blood pressure was normal at 120 something over 80 something. And I measured right on a 34 centimeters. Anyways, Becca was amazed at the rash and could only conclude that it might be some sort of autoimmune reaction. Thanks Becca! She insisted I call her after my appointment with my primary to tell her what they thought it was. She was truly interested! That same day Nathan came home with a rash covering his tummy and back. Before long the rash had crept up the sides of his face and was behind his ears. His pediatrician thought it could be some sort of contact dermatitis or a virus manifesting in a rash. Thanks doc! So this lead to him begin home from school for three days. Did I forget to mention that this is the same week that I volunteered to watch Burt's friend's son Joey? Yea, a two year old. Fun! Fun! It's been a long week. I'm tired, I'm swollen, and I'm starting to get really uncomfortable when I'm sleeping. I drool way to much and I wake up to pee about 5 times a night. I swore I wouldn't complain about all of these things because I was just so grateful to be pregnant again, but waaaaaahhhhh! It's so hard! My ankles are literally the size of my calves. That's not sexy. And to boot I've been covered with itchy rashes, ugly blisters, and I couldn't shave my legs. Talk about a real self esteem booster. I'm just looking forward to Monday when hopefully life goes back to normal. Nathan should be back in school by then, my rash should be almost completely gone and there will be no more Joey. Maybe I'll get in three more weeks of relaxation. You think? I can only hope!!

Another appointment down

I had another midwives appointment on the 5th of May. It went surprisingly well considering how rushed and stressed I was getting there. I hopped in the car with 5 minutes to spare until my appointment only to notice that I was almost entirely out of gas. A quick stop at the gas station and ten dollars poorer I headed off to the appointment. I got there about ten minutes late so I knew I'd be waiting a little while but I didn't mind. Now that I'm actually showing I love to sit in the waiting room with all of the women who are not as far along as I am or who are just finding out they are pregnant. I feel a bit higher up on the pregnancy hierarchy. Weird, I know. I got weighed and am now officially four pounds heavier then my prepregnancy weight. Not bad. My blood pressure was checked and although I don't remember the exact numbers, it was good. I saw Becca for this appointment and she was her bubbly wonderful self as usual. We talked about her trip to Germany and then it was all baby business. I told her about how I was starting to get really nervous and worried as the end of the pregnancy nears. I just know how many things can still go wrong and I'm scared to death about them. She assured me that that was normal for someone who had been through all that I have. And before I knew it I was laying on the table listening to that beautifully beating heart. She measured me too and it seems as if I'm measuring larger then I should me. I know at the last appointment I was 30 weeks measuring 35 weeks so I can only imagine that at 32 weeks I was probably measuring 37 weeks. I don't feel that big. And baby doesn't feel that uncomfortably but I was happy that she offered for me to have an ultrasound done to check on the size of the baby. I left with my referral and made my u/s appointment for May 12th at twelve. I'm excited for the chance to see our baby again. She's going to be so much bigger now. I hope we get a few good pictures. I'm excited to be getting so close to meeting her. My belly is getting rounder by the day and I've noticed that I'm bumping it into counters, and doors, and furniture now. I'm waking up in the middle of the night to pee at least three times. Luckily I can lay back in bed and still fall right back to sleep. I'm having to roll over in bed quite a bit too to stay comfy but that's not too bad either. The worst part seems to be having to grunt and groan as I try to sit up in bed to get to the bathroom. I noticed last night that my left foot and ankle were EXTREMELY swollen. At least twice as swollen as the right one. It wasn't painful so I just tried to prop it up on the beanbag chair as I sat and watched TV. It's probably nothing but I'll definitely mention it to the midwives. I've been working really hard lately to get things crossed off of my to do list before Alexa makes her big arrival. I'd like to be somewhat organized and ready to come home and enjoy her when she decides to meet us. I know that first week is going to be hard and I don't want to have to focus my energy onto any of these silly little things. Her room is almost complete now. We hung the letters on the wall for her name and now all I need to do is adjust the tape and straighten them out. I need to buy the molding for around them and paint it. Then all I need to do is have Burt hang the shelf and the curtain rods and we'll be all set. It's looking so cute in there already. Although I want her to stay in there a bit longer I wouldn't mind meeting her in 3 or 4 weeks. She'll decide when she's ready though. Until then I just have to be patient.

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!

It's the sound I'm hearing with every minute of the day. I still have so much to do. Do they call this nesting? I think I've got the nesting bug! I made a list yesterday. A to do list. And it has fifty something things to do before Alexa makes her debut. Ack! Eight weeks left but the urgency feels like there's only a week or two. I can't believe I am 32 weeks pregnant. I never thought I'd be here again and I am so grateful. I never thought I'd feel kicks again but I am. And I am enjoying every minute of it. Sometimes I just smile when I feel her. People probably think I'm crazy but I never want to forget those feelings. It's amazing. I'm so torn between wanting to meet her and hold her and start our new life together as a family of five but not wanting this pregnancy to ever end. Only God knows if I'll ever feel this again. It's like my own private secret. Only I know when she's moving. Only I know when she's awake. Only I can hold her now. Soon I'll have to share her and I don't want to. I love having her all to myself. I love preparing for her. I love daydreaming about her. I love you Alexa Lynn McCabe!!

31 weeks 2 days

It's been a busy weekend. Saturday we went to a BBQ at Shannon's house. The rain decided to hold out for us so everyone was happy. The kids ran around and played getting nice and dirty and nice and tired. The adults just hung out and ate until dark and then we sent the kids inside with a movie and the adults spent some time around the fire. It was nice to be an adult again and not just a mom. Sunday we got new brakes and rotors put on the van and boy did it need them! Then we went to Bobby's house for the twins baptism. However worried I was about being the outcast there it went pretty smoothly. I got to hold my first newborn since being pregnant and now I'm even more excited to meet Alexa. I could feel her kicking Justice (the newborn) as I was holding her. I must say I felt like a bit of a trader holding another baby while mine was kicking away in there. And that brings us to today: Lay Low Monday! I woke up this morning, turned off the alarm clock, and rolled back over. It's rainy and chilly. Just a nice day to sit around inside. I knew I'd have to scrounge something up for the kids to wear to school today. Oh yea and Abby never read her books she was supposed to read. Sooooooo, home from school they stayed. So far it hasn't been too bad. I actually got to sleep until 9:30. Score! But we'll see how the rest of the day goes. On the baby front... On Saturday I had a big baby scare. I hopped in the shower at about noon only to quickly realize that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. I pushed on my tummy a bit hoping to get a big swift kick from her to calm me down, but nothing happened. I raced through my shower in semi panic attack mode and quickly got dried off. I told Burt why I was spazing and he told me to hurry up and go lay down and see if I could feel her. I always feel her moving when I lay down. So I did. And I pushed on my tummy some more. I got one kick but then nothing. I was reassured for a minute until Burt yelled in "lay there and wait to feel more". Then I started having very horrible thoughts again. So I layed there waiting for more, but nothing came. I even made Burt bring me a glass of cold water and then I finally got a bit more movement. I was about 2 minutes from making a trip to L&D for monitoring. It was about an hour later when I guzzled down a nice cold glass of Sierra Mist and then I felt lots of movement. Movement all night actually. I couldn't have been more relieved. The closer I get to my due date the more worried I get. I just have this dark cloud feeling telling me that I can still loose her at anytime. maybe that's what I was supposed to learn from the loss of the twins. Was God trying to teach me to enjoy pregnancy and my children because at anytime they can be taken away? Well, I got the point God!!! I'm grateful!! Please don't take my babies! Assuming there will be another pregnancy, I sure hope it's not as stressful as this one.

Can't cry hard enough

It seems that as these weeks start to wind down this seems to be the theme song for my life. I think about the twins more and more everyday. I think about how much I wanted them. I think about how hard it was to say good-bye. To walk into that hospital that morning feeling like I was walking into death row. A piece of me and my dreams died that day. Some days I try to imagine my life if they hadn't been sick. I try to imagine what I'd be doing with them today. They'd be just about 4 months old now. Would they have been smiling? Would they have been babbling? The pain is sometimes as sharp as it was they day we got the diagnosis. And nobody knows it. I cry when no ones around. I look at their ultrasound pictures and cry some more. I listen to the music that reminds me of them and cry some more. Then comes the guilt. The guilt I feel when I think that if they were healthy and full term twins I would never have gotten pregnant with my sweet Alexa. How dare I wish they were here when it means she wouldn't be? How dare I cry when I'm pregnant and so many other women would die to have just been pregnant for 18 weeks with twins? I'm not ungrateful. I promise! I couldn't be happier to be 9 weeks away from meeting this miracle inside of me. I just wish I could've had all three. They are all my babies and I just want them here with me. Is that wrong? I wish I had someone to cry with. Someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. To tell me that it's okay to feel like this. But I don't so I sit and cry in silence. I love you Alexa. And I miss you Heaven Lee and Destiny. Hugs and kisses from Mommy!

I'm gonna live my life

like everydays' the last

without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast

and now that your gone I can't cry hard enough

I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

gonna open my eyes and see for the first time

I've let go of you like

a child letting go of his kite

there it goes up in the sky

there it goes beyond the clouds

for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now

gonna look back in vain and see you standing there

when all that remains is just an empty chair

and now that you're gone

I can't cry hard enough, I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

there it goes up in the sky

there it goes beyond the clouds

for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

Where has my motivation went?

For awhile there I was doing good. House cleaned, laundry caught up, dishes done before Burt got home and dinner in the oven. A typical Suzie Homemaker. Well not today. it is now 4:49pm and probably minutes before Burt gets home because it's raining and nothing is done. In fact the house is messier now then it was when the kids left for school. Blah! I have moments where I want to get up and do something but they are fleeting. I get the urge and then poof, it's gone! I'd really like to get some more work done in the baby's room but again, no motivation!! Maybe if I can get Burt up here to work with me I might get something done. I wish he'd be a bit more interested. Lately it seems as if I'm bothering him with all this baby talk. It's nothing unusual. He's not always been the best about it. It's probably just hormones but I'm a little annoyed about how little people ask me about this pregnancy. I guess I'm so excited that I wish I could shout it from the rooftops, but no one seems to ask the questions that give me the chance to do so. Boooo! Believe it or not my sister Amanda seems to be the most interested. I talked with her yesterday on the phone and she asked a ton of questions. Feels nice to feel important. My mom on the other hand is more uninvolved then ever. I suppose it's because Matt will be home any day and they're getting ready to move out of state, but you would think she's be savoring her last few weeks here. Oh well. What can I do? I think I better go try to get something accomplished with my day. After I straighten up I think I'll start on a new to do list. A list of things that need to be done before baby gets here and I'll show it to Burt. Maybe he can help me find my mo-jo.

She's a kicker!

As I sit here typing this I can feel Alexa trying to kick her way out. I'm leaning up against the desk and I feel her pushing my belly away from it. She's got personality already! Earlier today I was reading a magazine and I had the magazine propped up on my belly and watched it start moving. I pulled it off my tummy and my whole tummy was moving. She's quite active in there and I love every minute of it. As much as I can't wait to see her beautiful face and to hold her in my arms I am loving every minute of her moving around inside of me. I know that someday I'll yearn for that feeling and I will never again take it for granted like I did when I was pregnant with Nathan. Today was my 30 week appointment. I met with Bernadette whom I haven't seen in awhile. I think the last time I saw her she was confirming this pregnancy for me and congratulating me. She seemed a bit rushed today though which made me feel a little unwanted I guess. Hormonal mostly but still felt rushed. I was running a bit late for the appointment so I was expecting my blood pressure to be a bit high, and it was. I don't remember the exact number but something like 140/84. The nurse sent me in for a urine check and then sent me back to the waiting room. After about a minute or worrying she came out and told me there was no protein in my urine and that all looked good. Soon she came back again and escorted me to Bernadette's room. Bern came in with a blood pressure cuff and I knew they wanted to retake it. We had minor chit chat. We talked about me needing to reschedule my colposcopy. I asked if there was anything I could do to help lower my blood pressure. Answer being no, not really. Then we chatted about my amniotic fluid level. I told her about the tech at the 3D ultrasound and how he was kinda aggravated by how low my fluid was and then how he corrected himself saying that there were pockets of fluid there just not where he needed them to be. Bern reassured me that that was fine and completely normal. Then she showed me the book about baby's growth for the week. She's in there growing like a weed. Then up on the table for a blood pressure recheck and to check Alexa's heart rate. Bern felt around a bit on my tummy and guessed that she was head down with her back towards my left side. She was right on. She put the doppler to my tummy and right away we heard her heartbeat. I must say I was impressed. We listened for a minute which had me worried because with Becca it's always a 1,2,3 kind of thing. But she assured me everything was fine and then she measured my uterus. Seems that it's running a bit big. I measured 34 or 35 weeks today when I'm only 30 weeks 2 days. I'm sure that's just the pudginess I got going on. Did I mention that I jumped up 5 pounds? Sure hope it's not indicating a big baby. We need her to fit into all of the adorable newborn clothes we've bought for her. Before I knew it the appointment was over and I was walking out. I stopped at K-Mart to hit up a good sale Cindy had told me about and left there with 2 new onesies and a white summer hat. Oh yea and popsicles for the kids and a bag of Mambos for me. Yes, definitely an impulse pregnancy buy! Then I headed over to BRU to pick up a few of the last things I need before we bring this little miss home with us. I got some Little Tummy's Gripe Water, Little Tummy's Gas Drops, and a bottle of Infant Tylenol. I'm feeling rather prepared. I think I've only got to pick up a few crib sheets and that's it. The rest can wait or I don't really need. Now I need to put a little bit of focus on finishing up her room so I can post some pictures. I think the fatigue is starting to kick in again because I'm finding it harder and harder to find the energy and motivation to get anything done. Let's hope I get a major nesting phase in real soon!!