Can't cry hard enough

It seems that as these weeks start to wind down this seems to be the theme song for my life. I think about the twins more and more everyday. I think about how much I wanted them. I think about how hard it was to say good-bye. To walk into that hospital that morning feeling like I was walking into death row. A piece of me and my dreams died that day. Some days I try to imagine my life if they hadn't been sick. I try to imagine what I'd be doing with them today. They'd be just about 4 months old now. Would they have been smiling? Would they have been babbling? The pain is sometimes as sharp as it was they day we got the diagnosis. And nobody knows it. I cry when no ones around. I look at their ultrasound pictures and cry some more. I listen to the music that reminds me of them and cry some more. Then comes the guilt. The guilt I feel when I think that if they were healthy and full term twins I would never have gotten pregnant with my sweet Alexa. How dare I wish they were here when it means she wouldn't be? How dare I cry when I'm pregnant and so many other women would die to have just been pregnant for 18 weeks with twins? I'm not ungrateful. I promise! I couldn't be happier to be 9 weeks away from meeting this miracle inside of me. I just wish I could've had all three. They are all my babies and I just want them here with me. Is that wrong? I wish I had someone to cry with. Someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. To tell me that it's okay to feel like this. But I don't so I sit and cry in silence. I love you Alexa. And I miss you Heaven Lee and Destiny. Hugs and kisses from Mommy!

I'm gonna live my life

like everydays' the last

without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast

and now that your gone I can't cry hard enough

I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

gonna open my eyes and see for the first time

I've let go of you like

a child letting go of his kite

there it goes up in the sky

there it goes beyond the clouds

for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now

gonna look back in vain and see you standing there

when all that remains is just an empty chair

and now that you're gone

I can't cry hard enough, I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

there it goes up in the sky

there it goes beyond the clouds

for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now