Just another manic Saturday

Yuck! The weather has been so crappy these past few days. Rainy and cloudy and dramatic! I hate it. Today is no different. It is Halloween and I know the weather makes no difference to the kids but it's putting a damper on my mood. I guess it doesn't help that everyone's been stuck in the house all day and is at each other's throats. It will do us all some good to get out and about tonight walking around collecting candy. I can't wait to be pushing a baby stroller around next year with a 4 month old baby in it. When I think of my life in terms of holidays next year it brings a tear to my eye. We've been waiting for this opportunity now for a couple years and feeling like it could be so close is a great feeling. I'm so anxious for my u/s next Monday. I can't pray hard and long enough that we see one or two beautiful little beating hearts. I remember feeling this same way before my u/s at 7 weeks 3 days with the girls. I just wanted there to be a heartbeat there so badly. It hurts to want and yearn for something so badly and to have to wait to even get the chance. For now I'm trying to live in the moment. For now I am pregnant with a perfect little baby(s). It's like a mantra I'm chanting to myself over and over. I am pregnant! I am pregnant! When we were ttc I would've given anything to just be pregnant and now that I am I can't get swept up in the next step and the next step... I need to live in the present. Be healthy little baby so we can bring you trick or treating next year with us. For now you'll come along resting comfortably in momma's tummy. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

How am I feeling about the pregnancy today: I'm feeling okay. Again it's minute by minute. I must keep reminding myself that right now I am pregnant and I must enjoy it.

Symptoms: Gassy; Burping up a bacon taste (I know TMI!!!), oh yea and I'm definitely getting a cold or something

What am I most excited for: dressing our baby up for Halloween next year and walking him/her around in the stroller while the other two run from door to door

My faith has been restored!!

From my first appointment on Oct 30th, 2009

So today at 12:30pm was my first prenatal appointment with Becca. I was a bit nervous heading back to the same doctors office visiting with the same midwife in the same room as my last visits, but surprisingly I now feel like I've continued with my healing process and I feel good instead of sad. I went to the appointment early but forgot that they're on lunch until 12:30. Soon enough though I was done filling out paper work and going back to get weighed. They checked my blood pressure which came back at 118/74. Great! Then a urine sample, and then to wait for Becca. When she came in she was as cheery as she always is and greeted me with a smile. We first started with a recap of this summer's events. She was out from surgery for most of my last few visits there so she wanted my story first hand. I told her everything. Reliving it was hard and I choked back tears quite a bit. I explained about the 16 week visit when Lindsay couldn't find a heartbeat and then the u/s at DCMH with Stefan and the initial diagnosis. I explained about the testing done at Jefferson and the final diagnosis and the D&E. We talked about how the kids handled things and how Burt and I survived. She was very interested and caring. After all the catch up talk we started talking about this pregnancy. She has my due date listed as June 24th, 2010. I told her about the u/s scheduled for Nov 9th and she added info about the sequential screening to the referral. The sequential screening includes some blood work and an u/s done at around 12 weeks and then another in depth u/s done at 18 weeks. This will rule out Trisomy 13,18, and 21. It will also rule out spina bifida. My main reason is just to know the baby is doing okay. Not only do I get to know all the test results but I get to see pumpkin and reassure myself that everything is okay. Becca seems willing to do whatever she can to make me less nervous about this pregnancy. She has really restored my faith in the midwives. I'm so happy!! I didn't want to leave their practice because I love all of them so much but I knew I needed more care then I thought they'd be willing to provide and now I'm so happy to know they agree with the extra testing. I did my initial pregnancy labs which included a test for cystic fibrosis and an HIV test. Then I got my first ever flu shot. I'm supposed to call back next Friday to see if they got any more H1N1 shots back in. I walked out of there feeling PREGNANT! Some days it's so hard to remind myself that as of right now, I AM PREGNANT. I get so caught up in what could be wrong that I forget to be grateful that I am pregnant and I have another chance. My throat is starting to hurt which worries me a bit. Please God, don't let me be getting sick. I need to be well to keep this baby(s) well. Only 10 more sleeps to go!!!

My feelings about the pregnancy today: Today I feel confident. I feel like we're going to see a heartbeat or heartbeats on that u/s next Monday. I am happy feeling pregnant. I need to enjoy it, every day of it.

Symptoms: Headache, fatigue, a bit of nausea when hungry, and trouble sleeping through the night. I've been having some crazy vivid dreams too.

What am I most looking forward to: Now that I have my insurance, and my first appointment has come and gone, I am most looking forward to the ultrasound on Monday morning. What I am least looking forward to: Jury Duty!!

The order is as follows:

1. Shannon
2. Syreeta
3. Daddy
4. Juan/Frankie
5. Andrea
6. Linda
7. Rose
8. Nana
9. Daniela

Daddy's Florida friends spread throughout that time period too!

The rest will know in due time. I'm thinking Christmas would be past the first trimester but I'll see how I feel about letting my mom and Matt know at Thanksgiving. I've almost slipped to my mom a few times already.

And an update!

So it's been a few days since I've written. I've been wanting to write. God knows I want to document everything that happens in this pregnancy but I just haven't been in the mood to type. But for now a fresh start. Today I am 25 dpo. And to date no spotting whatsoever. I've been feeling somewhat iffy about whether this baby is here to stay or not. One minute I'm so sure of it with every symptom in the book and the next minute I'm scared to death I'm going to go to the ultrasound and see nothing just a big black blob of space. I did finally get my insurance approved. Apparently she put it thru on October 23rd but I didn't know about it until October 26th. So yay for insurance!! But I did get a little bit of bad news. On Monday (26th) I called unemployment up just to check and see if I was still able to collect being as my payment was like 3 days late. The lady informed me that my balance had run out the end of September and I had no more money to collect. This couldn't have come at a worse time. Burt has had a couple weeks of rainy checks and to boot we've had large expenses this month including the kid's birthday party at Oasis, $430 worth of car repairs and $125 for a new washer.Our bills are behind and I hate catching up. I was planning on using my unemployment dig us out of the hole. If we just hang in there though December is right around the corner and we'll be in the money before we know it. So how I found out about the insurance was that I called my case worker to tell her about the change in my income and she pulled up my name and told me I already had insurance. If I wasn't so disappointed about the money I would've yelped with happiness. I immediately called to double check my member status with Keystone Mercy. When the system said I wasn't a member I hopped on with customer service. The woman there said it takes a bit to update the system but that I did indeed have insurance. I then called the midwives to make my first prenatal appointment. The RN answered the phone and recognized me as soon as I told her my name.She scheduled me for my appointment on October 30th. I will be 5 weeks 6 days. Later on that day I spoke with Bernadette about when and how to schedule my ultrasound. She gave me the number to call and I did. That appointment is for November 9th at 10am. It can't come soon enough. I have 12 more sleeps to go. Please Lord let there be a bitty baby pumpkin in there. The stress and worry of wondering has had me in a bad mood. I'm inpatient with Burt and the kids. I'm quick to snap and constantly feel jumpy. I just need to know. My symptoms come and go I think. I was starting to notice that I was going to the bathroom twice a night but then I stopped drinking water right before bed and that cut back to once a night, which still is a bit much because when I'm not pregnant I can make it through the whole night. I'm definitely noticing the horrid hemorrhoids again. I feel bloated beyond belief. Almost to the point where I am uncomfortable sitting at the computer. I'm tired and yawning all day. Today I've had an off and on headache all day and I've felt dizzy on two occasions the past two days. Today the nausea has really seemed to kick in. I've been gagging more often and just have an overall yucky tummy feeling. I'm hoping it's all for good reason. And my HCG is through the roof by now. I start thinking about when my symptoms starting kicking in when I was pregnant with the girls and I believe it was about 6 weeks. Then I start thinking well I'm almost 6 weeks now and feeling very similar symptoms. Then I start thinking maybe it's twins. Then I start freaking out. Maybe it's conjoined twins. Were my symptoms before because I was pregnant with twins or because I was pregnant with conjoined twins? Just thinking those thoughts scares me enough to want to go to sleep now and sleep for 12 days straight. Luckily I've got a lot of things planned in the next week or so. I should be occupied. Now it's time to get the kiddies in bed and time for mommy to relax and keep growing this baby or babies. Good night blog. Good night baby(s)!

Feelings about pregnancy today: Right now I'm feeling rather confident being as my stomach feels like it's been flipped upside down.

Symptoms: As previously listed above

What am I most looking forward to: First my appointment with the midwives and then more importantly MY ULTRASOUND (November 9th)

Remember that train wreck?!

Well it seems to be back. I am a total moody ball of emotions. One minute I'm mad at Burt for cutting me off mid sentence and then I'm almost in tears for no reason. Is this normal?! I know I've been less patient with the kids too. I just feel miserable. I'm sure all the stress and worry I'm having about this little pumpkin isn't helping. I'm always moody when I'm stressed. I've officially decided that if I must I'm going to pay for the u/s at 7 weeks. For my own sanity I need it. Who knows when my insurance will kick in and I don't think I could mentally stand anymore of a wait. Maybe I'll get to 7 weeks and feel like I could wait another week. And then get to 8 weeks and feel like I can still wait. Who knows? But tentatively I'm setting the u/s date for 7 weeks 2 days that will be Monday November 9th. C'mon baby! Grow! Grow! Grow! Mommy loves you already!

**Not much in the mood to answer the questions :(

The 2ww is now the 40ww

In the beginning of the ttc journey I posted a blog about how ttc is all about waiting. Little did I know at the time that my waiting would pay off with a bfp. Now I spend my sleepy days sitting at home still just waiting and slowly passing the time. I've tried to break it down into small achievable goals like making it to 7 weeks for my first ultrasound and then 12 weeks for the end of the 1st trimester...but the wait still seems excruciating! How am I going to do this? I don't even have enough energy to do fun things that might pass the time. I'm hoping that some reassurance at the ultrasound will put my mind at ease enough to wait until the 12 week mark. C'mon little baby! Now is a good time to start listening to mommy. Please be a good little pumpkin and grow nice and strong and healthy for mommy and daddy.

Feelings about pregnancy today: Today I'm feeling a bit more confident in my symptoms. I checked my ff chat and noticed that nausea didn't really kick in until about 6 weeks with the girls. But I also watched a show on the Discovery Health Channel all about conception and the growth of a fetus inside and the miracle of birth has me again a bit worried. There are just so many different things that can go wrong. How does it ever go right? I just keep reassuring myself that I've given birth to two healthy children before and I can do it again. Besides if drug addicts can make perfect babies, why couldn't I? Hey whatever works right?!

Symptoms: fatigue- I fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:45pm

What am I most looking forward to: Still waiting for insurance confirmation. I'm checking the mail everyday even though I'm sure it's going to be awhile yet.

Moms worry from the minute of conception. I am no exception.

My worry is starting to get the best of me. I knew this was going to be hard and boy is it! I just keep telling myself I can't get what I want (a baby) unless I go through this. Over and over again. How am I ever going to make it to 7 or 8 weeks without an ultrasound?! I'm so focused on my symptoms everyday. I think I'm extra tired. I think I'm gagging when I'm brushing my teeth everyday. I think I've had some bouts of nausea. I think I've had pregnancy headaches. I want symptoms so badly to prove to me that everything is fine and I hope I'm just not "wanting" them into existence. That sounds so crazy!! I wish I could remember when my symptoms really started to kick in with the girls. I've looked back at my fertility friend chart but don't really see any pattern. I wish I had a little portable ultrasound machine here at home so that I could just peak in whenever I wanted to see what's going on in there. I was considering going to get a blood draw today and then changed my mind. The really awful thought occurred to me that if I ended up having a miscarriage then I'd be stuck paying a bill for the blood draw and what a kick in the a** that would be. I may go on Monday. That would give me something to look forward to then. Until then worry, worry, worry!

Feelings about pregnancy today: As you can see from my post, my lack of symptoms has me living in fear. I want to get excited about this baby but previous experience is holding me back.

Symptoms: Gagging when brushing teeth, tired, yawning lots, cranky, bloated

What am I most looking forward to: Possibly getting HCG blood draw on Monday