Daydreaming...

Hopefully this is what's going on inside of me right now!! I can't stop thinking about whether or not we caught that egg this month. I'm feeling optimistic but the facts sometimes make it hard for me. Did you know your chanes for conception each month are only 20%? That's rough. So here I sit on a lazy sunday afternoon daydreaming about what the sperm and egg are up to in there. If anything I hope they know how very loved they are and while grasping at straws here I must bribe and say if you implant and become a healthy baby or babies for me then I'll buy you some really nice toys. Oh wait! I already have lots of them in storage for you. brand new in the packaging! I'm begging you!

It came and it went.

Update: today is cd 19 for me. I'm 99.9% sure I ovulated yesterday although my chart won't confirm it for two more mornings. My temp spiked right up there today to 98.46 from 97.78 or so. I was so happy this morning. I'm feeling pretty positive today. We got in some really good bd'ing. Let's see...I got my positive opk on friday early afternoon. We bd'd the night before the positive, the day of the positive, and two times the day of ovulation, once in the morning and once at night. I'm so hoping that we caught the eggie. My temp went up pretty high so maybe even two eggies got released. Fingers crossed. Now onto some more waiting!

Today we went to church and like always these two cross shaped light reflections shined up on the wall. I know they were probably there before we started going to this church and they'll still probably be there if we ever sop going but it's a beautiful reminder of my baby girls. I take comfort in finding things that come in pairs around me. I feel as if they're right there with me. Yesterday I was driving as the sun was setting and saw a gorgeous pair of clouds. Nice and white and fluffy with the beautiful blue/pink sky in the background. I know my girls are near. I love you Heaven Lee and Destiny. I love to see things that remind me of you. It makes me smile.

The big "O"

So it's here! After posting this morning I went and tested again with an internet cheapie. The test line was there and pretty dark. But definitely not what I would consider positive. I knew from before that I never really got a true positive with these things. They were always almost positive or not even close. This opk fell under the almost positive category so I decided to "waste" another digital opk to double check. I watched for a few seconds as the little test symbol flashed and then I just waited. I tried to occupy myself with the internet for a few minutes and then I glanced over at the test. And there it was. A beautiful little smiley face! YAY! I was so excited that I let out a little squeal. We bd'd last night and then again today when Burt came home. Now we'll stick with the once a day theory until O is confirmed. Hopefully that will be in a couple of days. Now that I know the eggie did it's job let's cheer on those spermies!! Go spermies! Find that eggie! Be real men!!! I figure if I insult them a little they might be a bit more aggressive.

Marco! Polo! Marco! Polo!

Well I am definitely playing this little game with my opk's this week. On cd 10 I started out with an imaginary line that I thought I saw on the test. Then finally by cd 15 I actually started to see something. And now today on cd 17 there is a for real line and it's getting pretty close to positive. I can't stop thinking about how great it would be to be pregnant again. I would only be like three weeks behind my friend Shannon who just found out she's pregnant. It would make it much easier to deal with the jealousy factor for sure! I also just want to be pregnant again to be pregnant. I so love being pregnant and feeling important. Although this time we don't plan on telling anyone until we get some sort of confirmation that everything is fine. I don't know what week that will be but I will wait this time. I don't even plan on telling the kids. It will be kinda fun to have a secret that just Burt and I know. Please body, don't let me down! If God listens to prayers then he is being bombarded with them now!

All about waiting!

The second one is definitely darker in person.

Chi-ching! That's all this amounts to.

No smiley face for me...YET!

The more time I spend on this trying to conceive roller coaster the more I notice that ttc is all about waiting. First we wait for ovulation to occur. In my case that's a very stressful and sometimes long wait. With irregular and long cycles waiting to O can be torturous! This cycle I started clomid a day later then the cycle I got pregnant with the twins and so I'm thinking I might ovulate a day later too. Today is cd 16 and my opk's are finally starting to show some sort of line. I'm hoping with time they will get darker and darker. But back to the waiting rant! The second period of waiting is what women in the ttc world like to call the 2WW or the two week wait. Most women hate this waiting more but I on the other hand really enjoy it. This is a time when I can validate treating myself like I may be pregnant. I take it easy lifting things. I get plenty of rest and daydream a lot. But I must admit that the 1ww is a bit harder for me. As the testing date get closer and closer I get more and more anxious. And then back to the waiting. The next thing we wait for is the 10 minutes it takes to confirm a BFN. BooooO! We all hate BFN's! And in between the time of the BFN's and AF is more waiting followed by lots of chocolate and possible fits of crying. Such an emotional time for a woman. It's amazing I've made it this far. It seems like we've been ttc FOREVER! But it's been about 16 months now and I've been pregnant twice. So not a bad record for the getting pregnant part but a terrible record for the staying pregnant part! Oh, wait! I feel something. As I sit here typing I'm feeling some aching down below. I know my ovaries are working. I just hope they're working to produce some nice healthy eggies! Please please please!

In other news, the kids have another soccer game tonight. I might take more pics and post them later. They're getting pretty good at this. I'm proud! Nathan has a class trip coming up to some apple orchard. I volunteered to be a chaperon. I figured this would be a good chance for me to take some pics of hi and some of his classmates for his school scrapbook. Speaking of which I better get my but moving on these scrapbooks. The holidays are fast approaching and I have two years worth of pics to catch up on. I need some motivation.

Just passing time

Update: cd 13 and still negative opk's; bding every other day and had a bit of weird light bleeding on cd 10. I'm feeling rather negative about this cycle now. I guess the bleeding is what did it to me. And then I had 2 days of higher temps. At one point I thought maybe the bleeding was ovulation bleeding, but it definitely wasn't. I'm hoping and praying I start to see a bit of a line on these opk's. I can't remember when I started to see a line on the others. Fingers crossed it's soon!! This 2ww is going to be horrific!

Today my Abby girl had a doctors appointment. She's been doing this really weird deep breathing and it had begun to worry me. I'm so dramatic. I of course thought it was something horrible like a lung tumor or asthma or something. The doctor thinks it's just a habit now. One time over the summer Nathan and her were swimming in the pool and Nathan accidentally kicked her in the throat. It probably knocked the wind out of her and since then she's probably been more in tune with her breathing. And when she focuses on it is probably when she feels like she needs to take deep breathes. That's my girl! We had a fun little afternoon. I picked her up at 11:15 and we drove up to the appointment. She was in a silly mood and was being really funny in the waiting room. She makes really silly faces and makes me crack up. After seeing the doc we headed to chik-fila for lunch together, just the girls! Then I took her back to school. My big girl! Next appointment will be with the dentist on the 6th to get her 2nd baby tooth pulled. And yet another visit from the tooth fairy.

Giddy and excited about ttc

I completely expected that ttc again would be very stressful. What I didn't expect was to feel a bit giddy about the whole thing. I think back to what an exciting time it was when I found out I was pregnant with the girls. I remember how happy I was walking around with the positive pregnancy test in my black jacket pocket. I remember snapping 100 pictures of the positive tests. It was just a genuinely happy day for the whole family. I look forward to having that opportunity again. I think I did such a great job of making a special way to tell different people. And I really enjoy looking back on those memories even though our girls aren't still here with us. So, I am really excited about making new fun memories again. I've started researching some more fun ways to make the announcement and I'm still on the fence about it. I think I'm going to buy the kids a pumpkin and cut a hole out for the mouth and stick a binky in there and glue on a bib or something and draw a face and give it to the kids. I don't plan on telling very many people this time around. Although after I tell the kids I'm sure word will spread fast. Maybe I should save the pumpkin idea for someone else. Someone that can keep a secret. lol. I ordered the tube of preseed today. There's no saying for sure whether it helped or not last time but if there's even a small percentage of a chance then I'm all for it. After I finish here I plan on rejoining Fertility Friends VIP membership. My completed chart was a nice keepsake from the girls and I also enjoy looking back on it. If I get pregnant this month the baby or babies would be born sometime around the end of June 2010. And I would definitely have the summer baby that I started out wanting to have. Please God give us one more shot at this! I can't tell you how disappointed I'll be if I see a BFN. I'm actually worried about how badly I'll handle it. Am I setting myself up for failure? But I don't want to think of that now. Only happy thoughts! It is so very relaxing to know that no one knows we're ttc. I don't have to worry about anyone asking if I'm pregnant yet. And best of all I don't have to feel like I'm letting anyone down or if they're thinking I'm a failure. I do enough thinking like that on my own. Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!