Choking down the pain

So it's a few past past Heavenly & Destiny's angel day. And the pain is still real and raw. I've been doing a really good job at keeping it locked away somewhere. But I know it's burning a hole in my heart. My baby girls are gone and all I can do is try to mend my broken heart. All I can do is put a smile on my face and hope that I can fool my heart into thinking I might be happy. My Abby girl and Nah Nah boy keep me going. I try to hold the tears in so they don't think I'm falling apart. But they do however know that I'm really struggling. I talked with Maxi the counselor from the Midwives office and it felt great to be recognized and validated for the pain I'm feeling. She knows how bad this hurts. And she knows I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm trying to let my pain out slowly and talking to her helped with that. She's going to send me a small memorial bx to hold my ultrasound pictures in and she also suggested that I call to see if I can get more printed from the perinatologists office. It just breaks my heart that the u/s tech only printed a few crappy ones of one of the twins. Didn't she know there were two?! Why would I only want pictures of one?! At the time I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I was already a crying fool, but that hurt. And it hurt bad. As if she didn't know I was loosing two babies!!!! I'm trying to surround myself in things that make me think of them. No matter how hard it is sometimes. I sleep with their Build-A-Bear every night. And I've promised myself I'm going to buy another one. A twin! And I try my best to look at that beautiful ultrasound picture I have of them together at least once a day. But that seems to be the hardest thing yet. To think that only a few days ago those beautiful images came from my belly. And now if we were to look inside there'd just be an empty womb. Naked and bare. Missing it's babies. Empty seems to be the theme to this disaster. An empty heart. An empty tummy. And empty arms. December is going to be so hard. xoxo I love you girls. Blow mommy kisses from heaven I'm waiting to catch them.

Until we meet again girls...

So today is one day post D&E, and I thought I was doing okay. But apparently my heart has a clever way of making my face think it's happy. The tears didn't start until this morning after visiting the "Termination for medical reasons" board at BabyCenter. And now they're here with a vengence and I just can't stop. I started to tear up last night while laying in bed with Burt, but I didn't want him to know I was crying for fear of having to talk about it. I just wanted to cry in peace and have no one ask any questions. I miss my girls. I miss them already with every piece of my being. My heart is aching and my womb is now empty. For the last two weeks I've had with them I've been rubbing my tummy and telling each one of them good night. But last night as my hand reached down to rub them it really hit me hard. I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a better mommy for it, but I can't convince my heart of that. Before going to bed last night I took my allergy medicine and couldn't help but see the bottle of prenatal vitamins sitting right next to them. I know I'm supposed to continue taking them, for one to keep me healthy while recovering, but for two, to prepare my body for my next pregnancy. But swallowing that pill last night was like putting a knife to my uterus which has already been so badly beaten. When I woke up yesterday morning I was 18 weeks 1 day pregnant and now today I am not. How can this be? It's just so unfair. I try to think happy thoughts when I get to this place. I try to be positive. I try to think of my girls in heaven playing with all of the other innocent babies taken to soon from their mommies. But again, my selfish feelings take over. I wanted them here with me so badly. I feel like I was never even given a chance. I tried to appreciate those last few days with them. I tried to relish in the full belly I had. And even up until I layed on that table and they inserted that needle into my belly, I was proud to be their mommy. I still am. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone I was pregnant with conjoined twins. I'm proud. And to know they stuck it out long enough for us to find out they were girls and long enough for me to bond with them, I owe them. They have taught me a love that I never knew. An appreciation for life. A thankfulness for all that I have and some day I will hug them and hold them. And until that day they will be my little angel girls. I'm so thankful that they have each other. They will never be alone. And they will only be a heartbeat away in my heart. In the rain I will see them splashing in puddles. In the sun I will see them sparkling in the pool water. In the winter I will see them as frost on my windshield. And in the fall I will see them in the piles of leaves on the ground. July 23rd will forever be a sad day for me. But I do promise to keep them alive and in the heart of my family until the day we meet again. Thank you girls for teaching me the real meaning of love. There's a story my new friend Alicia has taught me and it goes something like this: Once there were two men who claimed to be the father of a boy. The two men got to fighting one day over that boy and God told them. Well if you both love him so much we'll just split him in half and each one of you can have half. And it is then that we learned who the true father was when one of the men spoke up and said if it means he will live you can give him to the other man for I will sacrifice for him to be happy. And from that I know that in order for my girls to be truely happy and painfree I must sacrifice them and leave myself with this endless pain in my heart. I will shed a million tears if it means that my girls with never shed one. I love you girls, have fun! xoxo

Our Heavenly Destiny

It's very weird to be starting to blog here again. When I looked back I noticed my very first post was from 8 dpo, 2 days before I saw those two beautiful lines of the pregnancy test so early in the morning. And I couldn't help but relate back to the feelings of hope and hopelessness I had in those days. They are very similar to the feelings I am experiencing now. Today I was given confirmation that you two are indeed inseperable. And not only the way twin sisters would be at heart emotionally but physically as well. You share a heart. The very same heart that we were so hoping to see on our 2nd ultrasound. The same heart we celebrated by taking your brother and sister to Build-A-Bear and buying the softest teddy bear in the store and stuffing it with a wonderfully beating heart and four red hearts each symbolizing the wishes we had for you. And now here I sit crying over that one heart. Only one heart!! I know there are various stages of grief but I feel as if I'm feeling them all that once. I am so sad. Sad doesn't even describe the pain in my heart and soul. I am angry. Why me? Why you? Why us? Why couldn't we have our time together? I feel guilty. Guilty over the choice we have made for you both, to terminate. It sounds so harsh. And yet those letters give no justice to the agony I felt today telling the doctors that our decision was just that, to terminate. I feel grateful for the few more days that I get to feel your four little feet kicking away. I smile when I feel you and yet I cry when I think these are some of the last movements I may feel. My heart is heavy. It hurts to breathe. I'm trying to be strong for your brother and sister. They do know about you girls and your sister is so sad to know she'll have to wait to meet her sisters until we all meet again in heaven. You were so wanted. And when the ultrasound tech showed us your two heads on the ultrasound my heart dropped. It dropped to the wonderful place where I had been hoping to have twins. And there it sat for a few minutes until that heavy bomb of heartache was dropped on us. The tears just won't stop flowing now. I can barely seen the screen to type. But I will hurt until the day I die if it saves you two from having to feel one second of pain. I love you girls, goodnight.

Music to our ears!!

So today I am 7 weeks 5 days pregnant. And it's exactly 1 week and 2 days since the first horrible ultrasound I had. Wen I was 6 weeks 3 days we decided to take a trip to Delaware County Memorial Hospital's ER. We arrived at 10:30am and were taken to the back where the nurse asked if I'd had blood drawn yet or if I'd had a ultrasound. Of course I hadn't. That was the reason I was there. They took me to my room and hooked me up to an IV for fluids. They said that as soon as I couldn't hold it in anymore I should buzz the nurses station. An hour passed and finally I knew I should buzz them. Next stop...radiology! What a terrible experience!!! The technician couldn't really tell us much. She said the doctors don't "like that". And continued with the scan. Burt said he saw a sac and then she put a question mark next to something in the sac. I finally got wheeled back down to the ER and anxiously awaited the ER doctor to come in a tell me what was going on. My blood work came back great!! My HCG was 48.423. Excellent numbers for 6 weeks. My research later showed that 56,000 was the high end of normal for the end of the 6th week and I was only in the middle of the 6th week. They told me the only thing the tech could find was a gestational sac. They sent me home telling me that maybe I was just earlier then I thought or something. All week I just couldn't shake this awful feeling that something was very wrong. On Monday May 4th I went in for another blood draw. Those results came back at 75,183. Again high numbers but it didn't double like I was hoping. The midwives were thrilled with that number but yet again I couldn't shake the negative feelings I was having. Maybe my mind was trying to make it easier for me to hear bad news. Maybe I just figured that if I thought it was going to be bad that any positive news would be that much greater. I dunno. I just couldn't shake this gut feeling. I prayed I was wrong and just waited. Fast forward to today May 11th, 2009. The day after Mother's Day. My ultrasound was scheduled for 10:15 this morning. I stopped by the midwives office to pick up my referral and off to the hospital we went. I went downstairs to radiology and checked in. The receptionist sent us back upstairs to register. After being called to the desk the woman proceeded to ask me what kind of insurance I had. I thought for sure they could just bill me but apparently I was wrong. $339 plus a $50 radiology fee. Outrageous!! By this time though we had waited anxiously for over a week and couldn't wait another day. So Burt drove all the way back home while I waited and he brought back our debit card. Chi-Ching!! Soon enough we were downstairs again being called back. Low and behold it was the same ultrasound tech we had seen that day in the ER. My heart sank. The only hope I held out all week was that just maybe the tech wasn't as experienced and that's why we couldn't see the baby. When I saw her I just gulped and walked down that hallway as if I was walking the green mile. First was an abdominal ultrasound and boy was my bladder full. Then she told me to empty my bladder and come back for an internal ultrasound. Burt met me in the hallway and said "I swear I see something in there!". I couldn't get my hopes up. I just had to wait. When she finally pulled the sac up Burt asked "Is that the sac?" She said "Yes." I said "Do you see anything in there?" She said "Yes." I said, "Is there a heartbeat?" She said "Yes." If it weren't for the good news I would've been so annoyed with her yes/no answers. A heartbeat. Just flickering away there on the screen. She measured the heartbeat at 156bpm. Perfect!! And she even let us listen to it. What a beautiful sound!! I almost started crying. My body just wouldn't relax though. I was still so tense. Burt was smiling from ear to ear and I know he felt better. Then Burt asked if she could print out a picture. She proceeded to give us some sob story about their picture machine being broken and that all she could do was print a picture from the computer. That was good enough for me. No one could take away my happy high at that point. No one.

The elite few turned into the everybody but two!

So my idea was originally to keep this pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks. It was very hard on me to have to tell everyone about the miscarriage. I felt like such a failure even though I knew it wasn't my fault. The plan was to tell one person so I could talk their ear off about it and then wait. So Burt was obviously the first to know. Then I made an announcement to my clomid ivillage girls. But the second RLF to know was Shannon. She was happy and we talked about it for awhile. But that talking never seemed to quench my "I wanna scream it from the rooftops" feeling. The next to know was my friend and neighbor Linda. I showed her the test and her first response was "Why is it so faint?". Not exactly what I wanted to hear but at least she knew I was pregnant. Then my brother. And his story is my favorite. Since finding out I was pregnant Burt and I had been referring to the baby as Jelly Bean. Being two days before Easter I guess we had Easter on the brain. So as I was getting ready for bed in the bedroom he yelled to me from the living room, "Why don't we spill the beans to Frankie?!" I of course smiled at how clever and witty he was. Frankie of couse was dying to know what we were laughing about. I just spurted out "We won the lottery!". Again, somewhat true. And he says "I'm gonna need to see proof of that!" It couldn't have been more perfect. I took the proof (my hpt) out of my pocket and just walked up and handed it to him. When he saw both lines he knew it. He said, "You're pregnant?" Burt and I both nodded and yelled yep!!!! And of course congratulations followed. After finally deciding to spill the beans to all of my family on Easter. Burt came up with a nice way to tell my nana. So when she walked in at my Aunt's house, I just handed her the test and said "Happy Easter". She looked down at the digital and screamed. We hugged and all that mushy gushy stuff. Word soon spread like wildfire and my aunt was asking everyone if they had heard "Jessie's good news". It was nice to hear all the congrats and well wishes.

And the elite few are as follows and in order:
Burt, Ivillage, Shannon, Lida, Frankie, Nana, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Henry, Abby & Nathan, Shawn & Liz, Chris & Ryan, Aunt Carol/Aunt Cindy/Nicky (all at the same time thanks to nana).

A BFP at 10dpo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it has definitely been a long three days. And before my pregnancy brain sinks in better type up my thoughts here. It started on Saturday (10dpo). I woke up to my alarm at 6:46 as usual and took my temp. It seemed to be back up to where it was on 7dpo so I decided to use one of my ic hpts and test. I get up, DH was asleep on the couch, and POAS. I come back in the room, praying that I'll see something, anything. So I turn on the light and wait, staring at the area where the test line would come up. After about 6 or 7 minutes I pick up the test and bend it back and forth letting the light hit it in different angles. At that point I swore I saw the faintest of faintest of faint lines, right next to a little indent on the test. My hope began to appear. This cycle I had just felt like this was it. By this point, DH, who had fallen asleep on the couch that night, had already come in the room and questioned me as to why I had the light on. I didn't want to tell him and be embarrassed if it was negative and I was just imagining lines. So I told him I just couldn't fall back asleep (partly true).So I get up and use the same FMU and take a $ store test. Sure enough five minutes later I see a definite faint line appearing. I bring it in the bathroom where DH was and say "Now this is really really early. I am only 10dpo ovulation, and most don't get a positive until 14dpo, but... and handed him the test. Then I asked him, do you see two lines. With his eyes half open he looks and says "Yep. There's two lines!". Still too tired I think to be really excited. I swear I couldn't stop staring at that test for what seemed like hours. I put it in the medicine cabinet and would go back like every 10 minutes to be sure it was still there. My miscarriage brain thought wouldn't and still doesn't let me enjoy this pregnancy 100%. Later that day I went to Walmart and bought a 3 pack of FRER. And after holding in my pee for 5 hours, I took one. There it was a much darker, but still faint bfp!!! At this point DH was much more excited. He kissed me and said Congrats! This time I put the test in my pocket and would check on it periodically just to feel happy again. If I started to worry I'd pull it out and stare at it. Over one hurdle.

On to 11dpo I wake up at 3:30 am to pee pee and go back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 6:46am again and I wake up to temp. My temperature is still up. Good sign! So I take my second frer. I'm waiting and waiting. And the line doesn't seem to be getting as dark as the first days. I of course am beginning to sweat bullets. I try to think of all the possible reasons it might not be as dark and remember about my 3:30 am potty break. Which means my FMU was really SMU with only holding it for 3 hours. I tried to reassure myself but it was hard. I told myself that no matter what I wouldn't pee until 12pm which would be another 5 hours from when I went last. We proceeded with our Easter morning and even went out to breakfast. I only drank a half a cup of soda so that I wouldn't "water" it down more. By noon I was ready to go!! I couldn't hold it anymore. I used my last FRER and sure enough the line was darker. I raced to ff to check on FRER test series and my line was much darker then any in the series. My heart was mending. I really wanted to make myself feel better since I would be at my aunt's house all day so I took my one and only digital. 3 minutes later I saw the most beautiful words...PREGNANT. I couldn't contain myself. I showed Burt who in a period of 2 days had now looked at 6 hpts. Psycho I know! I of course took tons of pictures until I got a clear one or two or three. Then we headed out to my aunt's to enjoy my pregnancy.

And finally that brings us to today. I must've been exhausted last night because I didn't even have to wake up to go pee pee. I slept straight through and woke up to my temp time. My temp went down .03 degrees. Still well within my 'don't worry' temps. I realized at this point that holding in my FMU to do a pregnancy test at the midwives office was out of the question. If I didn't go right then I was going to explode. So instead I planned my day around when 5 hours of holding in my urine would be an decided to go to the midwives then. Fast forward to 10:30 I call the office and the secretary tells me they're only doing testing until 11:30 am. I of course hopped in the shower, got the kids dressed, and hauled a** there. I get there with five minutes to spare, give my sample and wait. The wait was so weird. Nothing like my first wait there when I was preggo with Abby. I was much more relaxed this time and confident. When the midwife called me into the room I could see she was holding the test in her hand. She asks "Have you tested at home?" I say yes, thinking to myself "At least 8 times!". So she throws away the test and says "Well, you're pregnant". I got my pregnancy confirmation letter and was on my way. This all feels so weird. I'm worried sick but trying to be optimistic. I feel really good about this. And so far I've made it past my miscarriage milestone #1 (the night I noticed spotting) which was the second night I knew I was pregnant. As the days pass and my symptoms tick with me, I feel happier. I never thought I'd be thrilled to have sore bb's. Sick really!!

HPT COUNT
3 First Response Early Results
3 dollar store
2 Internet cheapies
1 digital
1 doctor's hpt

For a grand total of 10 at the end of the day on 12 dpo.

8dpo and waiting...and waiting..and waiting...

So this is my 2nd cycle of clomid and "timed intercourse". Ha! Timed intercourse?! Like I haven't been trying to time it before?! The charting, the OPK's, the bding every other day. I don't know how much more timed it can get. So I O'd on cd 18 this time around. Yay ovaries!! And now I'm counting down the days until testing begins. I become quite obsessed in the 2ww. Every twinge or gas bubble gives me hope. I suppose it's my favorite time in the TTC journey because at least for a few days I can pretend that I might be pregnant. I can treat myself as if I could be. I've seen a few very early bfp's on cd 9 so I guess I can start testing tomorrow. Although the bfn's are very hard to swallow even when I know it is so early. Sometimes I force myself to get up and pee like every two hours so that if I have the urge to POAS I have to wait until the next time my bladder's full. So instead of having to have will power all day I only have to have it long enough to empty my bladder. Sounds like a plan huh? I figured I'd start this blog as a sort of ttc journal that could remind me of this rough road when I'm big and preggo. Wishful thinking. But I also thought it would be good to print out and keep with my soon to be baby's baby book. Again wishful thinking. I feel mostly positive about this cycle. I don't know if it's because we timed everything pretty good this cycle or just because I'm running out of time for this medicine to work and by process of elimination it just must've worked. I'm starting to toy around with the idea that this may not happen any time soon. I still haven't lost all hope yet but I do think that IVF would never be an option for us and that it just HAS to happen the natural way. When my mind starts to wander into negative territory I switch back to thinking "Hey I've had two kids already. My body knows what to do.". And I've tried all that hoo hah about "In God's time", but it only makes me wonder why God would make me wait for something he knows I want so badly. It's even to the point now that my kids are asking for a baby brother or sister. We thought this would be so easy. And after getting pregnant on our 2nd cycle of trying, we thought "we have this in the bag!". Only to have it all end miserably 7 days later in miscarriage. My EDD has come and gone and I think of that little bean often. As a matter of fact there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what my life would've been like with him/her in it. I wanted to do something on April 1st in remembrance of my bean but I thought people would think I was silly. In fact when I mentioned to DH that my due date was approaching he never even blinked an eye. It's almost as if he's just over it. So sad really. Here I sit crying sometimes over that little baby and he's just moved on? Maybe it's just too painful for him to think about. Who knows?! But as the days roll on I hope I'm getting that much closer to holding a baby in my arms.