Until we meet again girls...

So today is one day post D&E, and I thought I was doing okay. But apparently my heart has a clever way of making my face think it's happy. The tears didn't start until this morning after visiting the "Termination for medical reasons" board at BabyCenter. And now they're here with a vengence and I just can't stop. I started to tear up last night while laying in bed with Burt, but I didn't want him to know I was crying for fear of having to talk about it. I just wanted to cry in peace and have no one ask any questions. I miss my girls. I miss them already with every piece of my being. My heart is aching and my womb is now empty. For the last two weeks I've had with them I've been rubbing my tummy and telling each one of them good night. But last night as my hand reached down to rub them it really hit me hard. I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a better mommy for it, but I can't convince my heart of that. Before going to bed last night I took my allergy medicine and couldn't help but see the bottle of prenatal vitamins sitting right next to them. I know I'm supposed to continue taking them, for one to keep me healthy while recovering, but for two, to prepare my body for my next pregnancy. But swallowing that pill last night was like putting a knife to my uterus which has already been so badly beaten. When I woke up yesterday morning I was 18 weeks 1 day pregnant and now today I am not. How can this be? It's just so unfair. I try to think happy thoughts when I get to this place. I try to be positive. I try to think of my girls in heaven playing with all of the other innocent babies taken to soon from their mommies. But again, my selfish feelings take over. I wanted them here with me so badly. I feel like I was never even given a chance. I tried to appreciate those last few days with them. I tried to relish in the full belly I had. And even up until I layed on that table and they inserted that needle into my belly, I was proud to be their mommy. I still am. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone I was pregnant with conjoined twins. I'm proud. And to know they stuck it out long enough for us to find out they were girls and long enough for me to bond with them, I owe them. They have taught me a love that I never knew. An appreciation for life. A thankfulness for all that I have and some day I will hug them and hold them. And until that day they will be my little angel girls. I'm so thankful that they have each other. They will never be alone. And they will only be a heartbeat away in my heart. In the rain I will see them splashing in puddles. In the sun I will see them sparkling in the pool water. In the winter I will see them as frost on my windshield. And in the fall I will see them in the piles of leaves on the ground. July 23rd will forever be a sad day for me. But I do promise to keep them alive and in the heart of my family until the day we meet again. Thank you girls for teaching me the real meaning of love. There's a story my new friend Alicia has taught me and it goes something like this: Once there were two men who claimed to be the father of a boy. The two men got to fighting one day over that boy and God told them. Well if you both love him so much we'll just split him in half and each one of you can have half. And it is then that we learned who the true father was when one of the men spoke up and said if it means he will live you can give him to the other man for I will sacrifice for him to be happy. And from that I know that in order for my girls to be truely happy and painfree I must sacrifice them and leave myself with this endless pain in my heart. I will shed a million tears if it means that my girls with never shed one. I love you girls, have fun! xoxo