Our Heavenly Destiny

It's very weird to be starting to blog here again. When I looked back I noticed my very first post was from 8 dpo, 2 days before I saw those two beautiful lines of the pregnancy test so early in the morning. And I couldn't help but relate back to the feelings of hope and hopelessness I had in those days. They are very similar to the feelings I am experiencing now. Today I was given confirmation that you two are indeed inseperable. And not only the way twin sisters would be at heart emotionally but physically as well. You share a heart. The very same heart that we were so hoping to see on our 2nd ultrasound. The same heart we celebrated by taking your brother and sister to Build-A-Bear and buying the softest teddy bear in the store and stuffing it with a wonderfully beating heart and four red hearts each symbolizing the wishes we had for you. And now here I sit crying over that one heart. Only one heart!! I know there are various stages of grief but I feel as if I'm feeling them all that once. I am so sad. Sad doesn't even describe the pain in my heart and soul. I am angry. Why me? Why you? Why us? Why couldn't we have our time together? I feel guilty. Guilty over the choice we have made for you both, to terminate. It sounds so harsh. And yet those letters give no justice to the agony I felt today telling the doctors that our decision was just that, to terminate. I feel grateful for the few more days that I get to feel your four little feet kicking away. I smile when I feel you and yet I cry when I think these are some of the last movements I may feel. My heart is heavy. It hurts to breathe. I'm trying to be strong for your brother and sister. They do know about you girls and your sister is so sad to know she'll have to wait to meet her sisters until we all meet again in heaven. You were so wanted. And when the ultrasound tech showed us your two heads on the ultrasound my heart dropped. It dropped to the wonderful place where I had been hoping to have twins. And there it sat for a few minutes until that heavy bomb of heartache was dropped on us. The tears just won't stop flowing now. I can barely seen the screen to type. But I will hurt until the day I die if it saves you two from having to feel one second of pain. I love you girls, goodnight.