Choking down the pain

So it's a few past past Heavenly & Destiny's angel day. And the pain is still real and raw. I've been doing a really good job at keeping it locked away somewhere. But I know it's burning a hole in my heart. My baby girls are gone and all I can do is try to mend my broken heart. All I can do is put a smile on my face and hope that I can fool my heart into thinking I might be happy. My Abby girl and Nah Nah boy keep me going. I try to hold the tears in so they don't think I'm falling apart. But they do however know that I'm really struggling. I talked with Maxi the counselor from the Midwives office and it felt great to be recognized and validated for the pain I'm feeling. She knows how bad this hurts. And she knows I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm trying to let my pain out slowly and talking to her helped with that. She's going to send me a small memorial bx to hold my ultrasound pictures in and she also suggested that I call to see if I can get more printed from the perinatologists office. It just breaks my heart that the u/s tech only printed a few crappy ones of one of the twins. Didn't she know there were two?! Why would I only want pictures of one?! At the time I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I was already a crying fool, but that hurt. And it hurt bad. As if she didn't know I was loosing two babies!!!! I'm trying to surround myself in things that make me think of them. No matter how hard it is sometimes. I sleep with their Build-A-Bear every night. And I've promised myself I'm going to buy another one. A twin! And I try my best to look at that beautiful ultrasound picture I have of them together at least once a day. But that seems to be the hardest thing yet. To think that only a few days ago those beautiful images came from my belly. And now if we were to look inside there'd just be an empty womb. Naked and bare. Missing it's babies. Empty seems to be the theme to this disaster. An empty heart. An empty tummy. And empty arms. December is going to be so hard. xoxo I love you girls. Blow mommy kisses from heaven I'm waiting to catch them.