I could've, should've, would've belonged.

So today I was wandering into IVillage and snooping around. I really don't belong to any of the boards there anymore. I once belonged on the TTC after miscarriage board. Then I graduated to the TTC board. Then I conceived the girls and graduated to the Dec 2009 EC and the Pregnant with Multiples board. Although I belonged to the Dec 09 board much longer then the Pregnant with Multiples board I still felt a very strong connection to the multiples board. After all I belonged to that very small percentage of people pregnant with twins or more. I felt like I belonged. And today I tortured myself by revisiting all of those boards. I cry every time I visit the EC. It's so hard to see all those siggy's showing how far along I would've been. I would've been 20 weeks and 2 days today. My babies have been in heaven now for 2 weeks. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I've been doing well with the crying. I've learned to choke back the tears. And sometimes I really have to because once they start it's hard to stop. Every night before I go to bed I give the girls' build-a-bears a tight squeeze and kiss then goodnight. I whisper into the heavens "Good night girls, mommy loves you!" And I blow each one of them a kiss. It's funny because if I only blow one kiss I feel as if I'm cheating one of them. That only makes me sadder because I would give anything to have gotten the chance to struggle with the guilt of having twins and trying to treat them exactly the same. I hope that someday soon God will bless me again and give me the chance I deserve at having twins. I feel as though I've been ripped off. We've all been ripped off.