8dpo and waiting...and waiting..and waiting...

So this is my 2nd cycle of clomid and "timed intercourse". Ha! Timed intercourse?! Like I haven't been trying to time it before?! The charting, the OPK's, the bding every other day. I don't know how much more timed it can get. So I O'd on cd 18 this time around. Yay ovaries!! And now I'm counting down the days until testing begins. I become quite obsessed in the 2ww. Every twinge or gas bubble gives me hope. I suppose it's my favorite time in the TTC journey because at least for a few days I can pretend that I might be pregnant. I can treat myself as if I could be. I've seen a few very early bfp's on cd 9 so I guess I can start testing tomorrow. Although the bfn's are very hard to swallow even when I know it is so early. Sometimes I force myself to get up and pee like every two hours so that if I have the urge to POAS I have to wait until the next time my bladder's full. So instead of having to have will power all day I only have to have it long enough to empty my bladder. Sounds like a plan huh? I figured I'd start this blog as a sort of ttc journal that could remind me of this rough road when I'm big and preggo. Wishful thinking. But I also thought it would be good to print out and keep with my soon to be baby's baby book. Again wishful thinking. I feel mostly positive about this cycle. I don't know if it's because we timed everything pretty good this cycle or just because I'm running out of time for this medicine to work and by process of elimination it just must've worked. I'm starting to toy around with the idea that this may not happen any time soon. I still haven't lost all hope yet but I do think that IVF would never be an option for us and that it just HAS to happen the natural way. When my mind starts to wander into negative territory I switch back to thinking "Hey I've had two kids already. My body knows what to do.". And I've tried all that hoo hah about "In God's time", but it only makes me wonder why God would make me wait for something he knows I want so badly. It's even to the point now that my kids are asking for a baby brother or sister. We thought this would be so easy. And after getting pregnant on our 2nd cycle of trying, we thought "we have this in the bag!". Only to have it all end miserably 7 days later in miscarriage. My EDD has come and gone and I think of that little bean often. As a matter of fact there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what my life would've been like with him/her in it. I wanted to do something on April 1st in remembrance of my bean but I thought people would think I was silly. In fact when I mentioned to DH that my due date was approaching he never even blinked an eye. It's almost as if he's just over it. So sad really. Here I sit crying sometimes over that little baby and he's just moved on? Maybe it's just too painful for him to think about. Who knows?! But as the days roll on I hope I'm getting that much closer to holding a baby in my arms.