On the road again

I'm over here on the growing follicles side...cd 8

Let's hope this does the trick
(prenatals, baby aspirin, clomid, and temping)

So here it goes again. Today is cd 8 for me. Although I technically should be 27 weeks pregnant exactly! Instead I've been without my babies for 90,720 minutes. How sad! As you can see though my days now are number in terms of cycle days instead of pregnancy weeks and this can only mean one thing. We are back at trying to conceive. I'm taking my last dose of clomid on cd 4-8 this cycle. Fingers crossed that it will only take this one dose. I'm taking baby aspirin again and am back on my water kick. Although I could be doing much better with it. We're scheduling our bd sessions for every other night until I get a positive opk and then it will be every night maybe twice one day. The opk challenge will start on cd 10 or so. I think I have like 50 or so left so that should last me. My emotions have been all over the place. I'm not sure if it's the meds or the emotional toll that ttc is having after loosing the girls. Prior to ttc again I seemed to be handling my emotions much better then before. I actually wanted to post about this but got busy doing other things. I heard a great quote from Dr. Phil yesterday. He was talking with a woman that had lost her son in Iraq. He said, "You don't have to hold on to the pain to feel connected." It spoke right to my heart. For the past few weeks I've been thinking of the girls often but found myself also thinking of other things. That bothered me so badly. I felt guilty. And when he said that I realized why. I felt like if I stopped hurting then that meant that I didn't love them enough. Or if I stopped crying then they would think they weren't important to me anymore. But how very untrue. My heart is still broken and missing two pieces. I still think of them daily and yearn for the life we could've had. But that life was with healthy babies. Babies that wouldn't suffer every minute of their short lives. So now I've been given permission by my Phil...permission to let go of the pain and remember my babies with the love I have for them.

And now I digress...On the ttc front, it has brought up a lot of emotions. I haven't decided if I feel positive about it or negative. I'm trying my best to push all of the negative feelings aside and only keep the positive energy but clomid is making that hard for me. Oh how miserable I've been! I'm sure Burt and the kids can vouch for that! I feel it myself. I'm inpatient and quick to jump down everyone's throat. People that don't usually bug me are urking me! I've now graduated to having headaches and am extremely sleepy. But I'm hoping it's all for good reasoning. C'mon ovaries! I feel you working in there. I know you're up to something. Please make us some good healthy eggs. I'm really counting on you this month.

In other news, the kids are doing really well at school. Abby is more then likely the teacher's pet. She comes home daily telling me that Mrs. Stansfield said she's the only one that sits quietly. Abby has gotten quite a large head from this in fact. She told me that if it was only her and 2 other girls (I can't remember their names) in her class then they would get a lot of work done. She's a beautiful little nerd and I love it! Sunday was her 7th birthday. We had a little gathering here at the house like we always do on their real birthdays. My mom stopped by, my brother, and my sister. Abby and I had baked a vanilla cake and decorated it with pink and purple frosting. We're quite the bakers! I surprised her that morning with Bratz decorations. She knew the kitchen would be decorated but she didn't know I would have all the Bratz stuff. She loved it! I even left it up the day after her birthday so she could enjoy it for one more day. My mom, Frankie and Amanda bought her the 3 Musketeers Barbie and Ken. They also bought her the 3 Musketeers little girl with a glitter pony. Oh yea and a really annoying ICarly microphone. I cant seem to wipe the theme song from my memory now! Thanks Mom! We bought her ICarly PJ's, a Bratz watch, a Princess Peach DS game, a Build-A-Bear Wii game, and a birthday party littlest pet shop set. I think she made out rather well.

As for Nate the Great (that's what his one soccer coach calls him), he's also doing really well in school. When we went to back to school night we could see his teacher left him a little message thanking him for helping her with the crayons. Not the greatest accomplishment in the world but none the less I am proud of my baby boy for stepping up like the little man he is. Some days I feel like I cheat him out of the excitement of his kindergarten experience. I feel like I'm "been there done that" and don't get as excited about what he's doing. But starting tomorrow I'm going to make a recognized effort to ask him more about his day.

Today I watched Burt's friend Joe's son Joey. What a handful. At 22 months old he gave me a run for my money. I forgot what it was like to keep little hands from getting into things they shouldn't. It gave me a nice taste of what it's going to be like with a 3rd one running around. Very chaotic. But like my years with Abby and Nate those menace to society days will fly by so I plan on cherishing them.

Alright so my fingers ache, my back hurts, and my neck is stiff. I think it's time to say Good Night. Good Night world! Good Night children! Good Night ovaries!

BLAH!

Okay so this is the first time in awhile that I've posted and I haven't been crying. So YAY for me!! I feel as if I've made some progress here and I'm proud. My feelings are still a big jumbled mess. Burt is beginning to get the itch to visit with his brother. While family is important to me, this particular family is not. He never makes any effort to see my kids and now that he has twins he's been bugging Burt to come around. Not only does it annoy because he's never been involved in my kid's lives but the twins aspect really bugs me. It bothered me before I found out about the girls only because I've always wanted twins but now it bothers me more. I'm just not ready to make that step towards healing yet. For now I'll sit in self pity.

I'm sitting here tonight at 1:30am going through my "favorites" list on the computer. There are so many sites on there that once I got pregnant I thought for sure I wouldn't be visiting anymore. For example the "Very early signs and symptoms of pregnancy" page. I thought for sure I'd be well into my fifth month of pregnancy and those symptoms would all be a blur by now. Instead I sit here stressing out about when my AF will return. I'm trying to wait for CD 3 to get my blood work done, but I'm not sue I'll be able to wait that long. I've called the doctors office and had them add a lupus blood test to my blood work. I think I've convinced myself that I have it. I can't tell you how excited I'll be if the test comes back negative. But just as importantly I'm hoping to get some answers from the PCOS testing too. I just want to know what I need to do to get pregnant again. My time is ticking here. I really want a summer baby. If I get pregnant by December I can still accomplish that.

In other news, tomorrow is the kid's open house at their schools. I'm excited for them to meet their teachers but so worried about them . They are getting so big now. The time is flying by. We've got their birthday parties planned at Oasis. And they're well into the swing of soccer now. Just waiting on a schedule for games. It feels like just yesterday I was bringing Abby home from the hospital. Boy I'm getting old!

And the million dollar question is...why do I feel like I'm on a game show all the time?!

Today marks the 26th day without my babies. And I still feel empty. I've been doing rather well lately. It just seems I only think to write when I'm having a hard time at it. The tears are freely flowing now. I have just visited a very special site. It's called "To write their names in the sand". The woman who keeps up with the site is an incredibly beautiful person. She dedicates the little bit of free time she has to writing names of lost babies in the sand at sunset on an Australian beach. The pictures are amazing. She really has an eye for beauty! But I just sat and read through her entire blog. She is now pregnant again. I think that she has such insightful things to say and I feel put to shame as a mother in comparison to her. She looks at her children through this eye that sees nothing but the wonderful people they are. I suppose I'm catching her at a good time when she's writing and not smack dab in the middle of a tantrum or something, but the way she puts her emotions into words I love. My mission this week is to look at my children for the wonderful, innocent, teachers that they are. I've been laughing this week about my son Nathan. He seems to be at his peak for asking questions. Everything is a question, and I must admit however bothersome it is to answer 1 million two hundred and forty four questions a day I love his love for learning. It's this little spark of innocence I hear in his voice when it raises up to ask me a question. With that question mark I hear hope that everything is going to be alright.

I could've, should've, would've belonged.

So today I was wandering into IVillage and snooping around. I really don't belong to any of the boards there anymore. I once belonged on the TTC after miscarriage board. Then I graduated to the TTC board. Then I conceived the girls and graduated to the Dec 2009 EC and the Pregnant with Multiples board. Although I belonged to the Dec 09 board much longer then the Pregnant with Multiples board I still felt a very strong connection to the multiples board. After all I belonged to that very small percentage of people pregnant with twins or more. I felt like I belonged. And today I tortured myself by revisiting all of those boards. I cry every time I visit the EC. It's so hard to see all those siggy's showing how far along I would've been. I would've been 20 weeks and 2 days today. My babies have been in heaven now for 2 weeks. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I've been doing well with the crying. I've learned to choke back the tears. And sometimes I really have to because once they start it's hard to stop. Every night before I go to bed I give the girls' build-a-bears a tight squeeze and kiss then goodnight. I whisper into the heavens "Good night girls, mommy loves you!" And I blow each one of them a kiss. It's funny because if I only blow one kiss I feel as if I'm cheating one of them. That only makes me sadder because I would give anything to have gotten the chance to struggle with the guilt of having twins and trying to treat them exactly the same. I hope that someday soon God will bless me again and give me the chance I deserve at having twins. I feel as though I've been ripped off. We've all been ripped off.

Choking down the pain

So it's a few past past Heavenly & Destiny's angel day. And the pain is still real and raw. I've been doing a really good job at keeping it locked away somewhere. But I know it's burning a hole in my heart. My baby girls are gone and all I can do is try to mend my broken heart. All I can do is put a smile on my face and hope that I can fool my heart into thinking I might be happy. My Abby girl and Nah Nah boy keep me going. I try to hold the tears in so they don't think I'm falling apart. But they do however know that I'm really struggling. I talked with Maxi the counselor from the Midwives office and it felt great to be recognized and validated for the pain I'm feeling. She knows how bad this hurts. And she knows I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm trying to let my pain out slowly and talking to her helped with that. She's going to send me a small memorial bx to hold my ultrasound pictures in and she also suggested that I call to see if I can get more printed from the perinatologists office. It just breaks my heart that the u/s tech only printed a few crappy ones of one of the twins. Didn't she know there were two?! Why would I only want pictures of one?! At the time I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I was already a crying fool, but that hurt. And it hurt bad. As if she didn't know I was loosing two babies!!!! I'm trying to surround myself in things that make me think of them. No matter how hard it is sometimes. I sleep with their Build-A-Bear every night. And I've promised myself I'm going to buy another one. A twin! And I try my best to look at that beautiful ultrasound picture I have of them together at least once a day. But that seems to be the hardest thing yet. To think that only a few days ago those beautiful images came from my belly. And now if we were to look inside there'd just be an empty womb. Naked and bare. Missing it's babies. Empty seems to be the theme to this disaster. An empty heart. An empty tummy. And empty arms. December is going to be so hard. xoxo I love you girls. Blow mommy kisses from heaven I'm waiting to catch them.

Until we meet again girls...

So today is one day post D&E, and I thought I was doing okay. But apparently my heart has a clever way of making my face think it's happy. The tears didn't start until this morning after visiting the "Termination for medical reasons" board at BabyCenter. And now they're here with a vengence and I just can't stop. I started to tear up last night while laying in bed with Burt, but I didn't want him to know I was crying for fear of having to talk about it. I just wanted to cry in peace and have no one ask any questions. I miss my girls. I miss them already with every piece of my being. My heart is aching and my womb is now empty. For the last two weeks I've had with them I've been rubbing my tummy and telling each one of them good night. But last night as my hand reached down to rub them it really hit me hard. I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a better mommy for it, but I can't convince my heart of that. Before going to bed last night I took my allergy medicine and couldn't help but see the bottle of prenatal vitamins sitting right next to them. I know I'm supposed to continue taking them, for one to keep me healthy while recovering, but for two, to prepare my body for my next pregnancy. But swallowing that pill last night was like putting a knife to my uterus which has already been so badly beaten. When I woke up yesterday morning I was 18 weeks 1 day pregnant and now today I am not. How can this be? It's just so unfair. I try to think happy thoughts when I get to this place. I try to be positive. I try to think of my girls in heaven playing with all of the other innocent babies taken to soon from their mommies. But again, my selfish feelings take over. I wanted them here with me so badly. I feel like I was never even given a chance. I tried to appreciate those last few days with them. I tried to relish in the full belly I had. And even up until I layed on that table and they inserted that needle into my belly, I was proud to be their mommy. I still am. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone I was pregnant with conjoined twins. I'm proud. And to know they stuck it out long enough for us to find out they were girls and long enough for me to bond with them, I owe them. They have taught me a love that I never knew. An appreciation for life. A thankfulness for all that I have and some day I will hug them and hold them. And until that day they will be my little angel girls. I'm so thankful that they have each other. They will never be alone. And they will only be a heartbeat away in my heart. In the rain I will see them splashing in puddles. In the sun I will see them sparkling in the pool water. In the winter I will see them as frost on my windshield. And in the fall I will see them in the piles of leaves on the ground. July 23rd will forever be a sad day for me. But I do promise to keep them alive and in the heart of my family until the day we meet again. Thank you girls for teaching me the real meaning of love. There's a story my new friend Alicia has taught me and it goes something like this: Once there were two men who claimed to be the father of a boy. The two men got to fighting one day over that boy and God told them. Well if you both love him so much we'll just split him in half and each one of you can have half. And it is then that we learned who the true father was when one of the men spoke up and said if it means he will live you can give him to the other man for I will sacrifice for him to be happy. And from that I know that in order for my girls to be truely happy and painfree I must sacrifice them and leave myself with this endless pain in my heart. I will shed a million tears if it means that my girls with never shed one. I love you girls, have fun! xoxo

Our Heavenly Destiny

It's very weird to be starting to blog here again. When I looked back I noticed my very first post was from 8 dpo, 2 days before I saw those two beautiful lines of the pregnancy test so early in the morning. And I couldn't help but relate back to the feelings of hope and hopelessness I had in those days. They are very similar to the feelings I am experiencing now. Today I was given confirmation that you two are indeed inseperable. And not only the way twin sisters would be at heart emotionally but physically as well. You share a heart. The very same heart that we were so hoping to see on our 2nd ultrasound. The same heart we celebrated by taking your brother and sister to Build-A-Bear and buying the softest teddy bear in the store and stuffing it with a wonderfully beating heart and four red hearts each symbolizing the wishes we had for you. And now here I sit crying over that one heart. Only one heart!! I know there are various stages of grief but I feel as if I'm feeling them all that once. I am so sad. Sad doesn't even describe the pain in my heart and soul. I am angry. Why me? Why you? Why us? Why couldn't we have our time together? I feel guilty. Guilty over the choice we have made for you both, to terminate. It sounds so harsh. And yet those letters give no justice to the agony I felt today telling the doctors that our decision was just that, to terminate. I feel grateful for the few more days that I get to feel your four little feet kicking away. I smile when I feel you and yet I cry when I think these are some of the last movements I may feel. My heart is heavy. It hurts to breathe. I'm trying to be strong for your brother and sister. They do know about you girls and your sister is so sad to know she'll have to wait to meet her sisters until we all meet again in heaven. You were so wanted. And when the ultrasound tech showed us your two heads on the ultrasound my heart dropped. It dropped to the wonderful place where I had been hoping to have twins. And there it sat for a few minutes until that heavy bomb of heartache was dropped on us. The tears just won't stop flowing now. I can barely seen the screen to type. But I will hurt until the day I die if it saves you two from having to feel one second of pain. I love you girls, goodnight.