BLAH!

Okay so this is the first time in awhile that I've posted and I haven't been crying. So YAY for me!! I feel as if I've made some progress here and I'm proud. My feelings are still a big jumbled mess. Burt is beginning to get the itch to visit with his brother. While family is important to me, this particular family is not. He never makes any effort to see my kids and now that he has twins he's been bugging Burt to come around. Not only does it annoy because he's never been involved in my kid's lives but the twins aspect really bugs me. It bothered me before I found out about the girls only because I've always wanted twins but now it bothers me more. I'm just not ready to make that step towards healing yet. For now I'll sit in self pity.

I'm sitting here tonight at 1:30am going through my "favorites" list on the computer. There are so many sites on there that once I got pregnant I thought for sure I wouldn't be visiting anymore. For example the "Very early signs and symptoms of pregnancy" page. I thought for sure I'd be well into my fifth month of pregnancy and those symptoms would all be a blur by now. Instead I sit here stressing out about when my AF will return. I'm trying to wait for CD 3 to get my blood work done, but I'm not sue I'll be able to wait that long. I've called the doctors office and had them add a lupus blood test to my blood work. I think I've convinced myself that I have it. I can't tell you how excited I'll be if the test comes back negative. But just as importantly I'm hoping to get some answers from the PCOS testing too. I just want to know what I need to do to get pregnant again. My time is ticking here. I really want a summer baby. If I get pregnant by December I can still accomplish that.

In other news, tomorrow is the kid's open house at their schools. I'm excited for them to meet their teachers but so worried about them . They are getting so big now. The time is flying by. We've got their birthday parties planned at Oasis. And they're well into the swing of soccer now. Just waiting on a schedule for games. It feels like just yesterday I was bringing Abby home from the hospital. Boy I'm getting old!