On the road again

I'm over here on the growing follicles side...cd 8

Let's hope this does the trick
(prenatals, baby aspirin, clomid, and temping)

So here it goes again. Today is cd 8 for me. Although I technically should be 27 weeks pregnant exactly! Instead I've been without my babies for 90,720 minutes. How sad! As you can see though my days now are number in terms of cycle days instead of pregnancy weeks and this can only mean one thing. We are back at trying to conceive. I'm taking my last dose of clomid on cd 4-8 this cycle. Fingers crossed that it will only take this one dose. I'm taking baby aspirin again and am back on my water kick. Although I could be doing much better with it. We're scheduling our bd sessions for every other night until I get a positive opk and then it will be every night maybe twice one day. The opk challenge will start on cd 10 or so. I think I have like 50 or so left so that should last me. My emotions have been all over the place. I'm not sure if it's the meds or the emotional toll that ttc is having after loosing the girls. Prior to ttc again I seemed to be handling my emotions much better then before. I actually wanted to post about this but got busy doing other things. I heard a great quote from Dr. Phil yesterday. He was talking with a woman that had lost her son in Iraq. He said, "You don't have to hold on to the pain to feel connected." It spoke right to my heart. For the past few weeks I've been thinking of the girls often but found myself also thinking of other things. That bothered me so badly. I felt guilty. And when he said that I realized why. I felt like if I stopped hurting then that meant that I didn't love them enough. Or if I stopped crying then they would think they weren't important to me anymore. But how very untrue. My heart is still broken and missing two pieces. I still think of them daily and yearn for the life we could've had. But that life was with healthy babies. Babies that wouldn't suffer every minute of their short lives. So now I've been given permission by my Phil...permission to let go of the pain and remember my babies with the love I have for them.

And now I digress...On the ttc front, it has brought up a lot of emotions. I haven't decided if I feel positive about it or negative. I'm trying my best to push all of the negative feelings aside and only keep the positive energy but clomid is making that hard for me. Oh how miserable I've been! I'm sure Burt and the kids can vouch for that! I feel it myself. I'm inpatient and quick to jump down everyone's throat. People that don't usually bug me are urking me! I've now graduated to having headaches and am extremely sleepy. But I'm hoping it's all for good reasoning. C'mon ovaries! I feel you working in there. I know you're up to something. Please make us some good healthy eggs. I'm really counting on you this month.

In other news, the kids are doing really well at school. Abby is more then likely the teacher's pet. She comes home daily telling me that Mrs. Stansfield said she's the only one that sits quietly. Abby has gotten quite a large head from this in fact. She told me that if it was only her and 2 other girls (I can't remember their names) in her class then they would get a lot of work done. She's a beautiful little nerd and I love it! Sunday was her 7th birthday. We had a little gathering here at the house like we always do on their real birthdays. My mom stopped by, my brother, and my sister. Abby and I had baked a vanilla cake and decorated it with pink and purple frosting. We're quite the bakers! I surprised her that morning with Bratz decorations. She knew the kitchen would be decorated but she didn't know I would have all the Bratz stuff. She loved it! I even left it up the day after her birthday so she could enjoy it for one more day. My mom, Frankie and Amanda bought her the 3 Musketeers Barbie and Ken. They also bought her the 3 Musketeers little girl with a glitter pony. Oh yea and a really annoying ICarly microphone. I cant seem to wipe the theme song from my memory now! Thanks Mom! We bought her ICarly PJ's, a Bratz watch, a Princess Peach DS game, a Build-A-Bear Wii game, and a birthday party littlest pet shop set. I think she made out rather well.

As for Nate the Great (that's what his one soccer coach calls him), he's also doing really well in school. When we went to back to school night we could see his teacher left him a little message thanking him for helping her with the crayons. Not the greatest accomplishment in the world but none the less I am proud of my baby boy for stepping up like the little man he is. Some days I feel like I cheat him out of the excitement of his kindergarten experience. I feel like I'm "been there done that" and don't get as excited about what he's doing. But starting tomorrow I'm going to make a recognized effort to ask him more about his day.

Today I watched Burt's friend Joe's son Joey. What a handful. At 22 months old he gave me a run for my money. I forgot what it was like to keep little hands from getting into things they shouldn't. It gave me a nice taste of what it's going to be like with a 3rd one running around. Very chaotic. But like my years with Abby and Nate those menace to society days will fly by so I plan on cherishing them.

Alright so my fingers ache, my back hurts, and my neck is stiff. I think it's time to say Good Night. Good Night world! Good Night children! Good Night ovaries!