BLAH!

Okay so this is the first time in awhile that I've posted and I haven't been crying. So YAY for me!! I feel as if I've made some progress here and I'm proud. My feelings are still a big jumbled mess. Burt is beginning to get the itch to visit with his brother. While family is important to me, this particular family is not. He never makes any effort to see my kids and now that he has twins he's been bugging Burt to come around. Not only does it annoy because he's never been involved in my kid's lives but the twins aspect really bugs me. It bothered me before I found out about the girls only because I've always wanted twins but now it bothers me more. I'm just not ready to make that step towards healing yet. For now I'll sit in self pity.

I'm sitting here tonight at 1:30am going through my "favorites" list on the computer. There are so many sites on there that once I got pregnant I thought for sure I wouldn't be visiting anymore. For example the "Very early signs and symptoms of pregnancy" page. I thought for sure I'd be well into my fifth month of pregnancy and those symptoms would all be a blur by now. Instead I sit here stressing out about when my AF will return. I'm trying to wait for CD 3 to get my blood work done, but I'm not sue I'll be able to wait that long. I've called the doctors office and had them add a lupus blood test to my blood work. I think I've convinced myself that I have it. I can't tell you how excited I'll be if the test comes back negative. But just as importantly I'm hoping to get some answers from the PCOS testing too. I just want to know what I need to do to get pregnant again. My time is ticking here. I really want a summer baby. If I get pregnant by December I can still accomplish that.

In other news, tomorrow is the kid's open house at their schools. I'm excited for them to meet their teachers but so worried about them . They are getting so big now. The time is flying by. We've got their birthday parties planned at Oasis. And they're well into the swing of soccer now. Just waiting on a schedule for games. It feels like just yesterday I was bringing Abby home from the hospital. Boy I'm getting old!

And the million dollar question is...why do I feel like I'm on a game show all the time?!

Today marks the 26th day without my babies. And I still feel empty. I've been doing rather well lately. It just seems I only think to write when I'm having a hard time at it. The tears are freely flowing now. I have just visited a very special site. It's called "To write their names in the sand". The woman who keeps up with the site is an incredibly beautiful person. She dedicates the little bit of free time she has to writing names of lost babies in the sand at sunset on an Australian beach. The pictures are amazing. She really has an eye for beauty! But I just sat and read through her entire blog. She is now pregnant again. I think that she has such insightful things to say and I feel put to shame as a mother in comparison to her. She looks at her children through this eye that sees nothing but the wonderful people they are. I suppose I'm catching her at a good time when she's writing and not smack dab in the middle of a tantrum or something, but the way she puts her emotions into words I love. My mission this week is to look at my children for the wonderful, innocent, teachers that they are. I've been laughing this week about my son Nathan. He seems to be at his peak for asking questions. Everything is a question, and I must admit however bothersome it is to answer 1 million two hundred and forty four questions a day I love his love for learning. It's this little spark of innocence I hear in his voice when it raises up to ask me a question. With that question mark I hear hope that everything is going to be alright.

I could've, should've, would've belonged.

So today I was wandering into IVillage and snooping around. I really don't belong to any of the boards there anymore. I once belonged on the TTC after miscarriage board. Then I graduated to the TTC board. Then I conceived the girls and graduated to the Dec 2009 EC and the Pregnant with Multiples board. Although I belonged to the Dec 09 board much longer then the Pregnant with Multiples board I still felt a very strong connection to the multiples board. After all I belonged to that very small percentage of people pregnant with twins or more. I felt like I belonged. And today I tortured myself by revisiting all of those boards. I cry every time I visit the EC. It's so hard to see all those siggy's showing how far along I would've been. I would've been 20 weeks and 2 days today. My babies have been in heaven now for 2 weeks. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I've been doing well with the crying. I've learned to choke back the tears. And sometimes I really have to because once they start it's hard to stop. Every night before I go to bed I give the girls' build-a-bears a tight squeeze and kiss then goodnight. I whisper into the heavens "Good night girls, mommy loves you!" And I blow each one of them a kiss. It's funny because if I only blow one kiss I feel as if I'm cheating one of them. That only makes me sadder because I would give anything to have gotten the chance to struggle with the guilt of having twins and trying to treat them exactly the same. I hope that someday soon God will bless me again and give me the chance I deserve at having twins. I feel as though I've been ripped off. We've all been ripped off.

Choking down the pain

So it's a few past past Heavenly & Destiny's angel day. And the pain is still real and raw. I've been doing a really good job at keeping it locked away somewhere. But I know it's burning a hole in my heart. My baby girls are gone and all I can do is try to mend my broken heart. All I can do is put a smile on my face and hope that I can fool my heart into thinking I might be happy. My Abby girl and Nah Nah boy keep me going. I try to hold the tears in so they don't think I'm falling apart. But they do however know that I'm really struggling. I talked with Maxi the counselor from the Midwives office and it felt great to be recognized and validated for the pain I'm feeling. She knows how bad this hurts. And she knows I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm trying to let my pain out slowly and talking to her helped with that. She's going to send me a small memorial bx to hold my ultrasound pictures in and she also suggested that I call to see if I can get more printed from the perinatologists office. It just breaks my heart that the u/s tech only printed a few crappy ones of one of the twins. Didn't she know there were two?! Why would I only want pictures of one?! At the time I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I was already a crying fool, but that hurt. And it hurt bad. As if she didn't know I was loosing two babies!!!! I'm trying to surround myself in things that make me think of them. No matter how hard it is sometimes. I sleep with their Build-A-Bear every night. And I've promised myself I'm going to buy another one. A twin! And I try my best to look at that beautiful ultrasound picture I have of them together at least once a day. But that seems to be the hardest thing yet. To think that only a few days ago those beautiful images came from my belly. And now if we were to look inside there'd just be an empty womb. Naked and bare. Missing it's babies. Empty seems to be the theme to this disaster. An empty heart. An empty tummy. And empty arms. December is going to be so hard. xoxo I love you girls. Blow mommy kisses from heaven I'm waiting to catch them.

Until we meet again girls...

So today is one day post D&E, and I thought I was doing okay. But apparently my heart has a clever way of making my face think it's happy. The tears didn't start until this morning after visiting the "Termination for medical reasons" board at BabyCenter. And now they're here with a vengence and I just can't stop. I started to tear up last night while laying in bed with Burt, but I didn't want him to know I was crying for fear of having to talk about it. I just wanted to cry in peace and have no one ask any questions. I miss my girls. I miss them already with every piece of my being. My heart is aching and my womb is now empty. For the last two weeks I've had with them I've been rubbing my tummy and telling each one of them good night. But last night as my hand reached down to rub them it really hit me hard. I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a better mommy for it, but I can't convince my heart of that. Before going to bed last night I took my allergy medicine and couldn't help but see the bottle of prenatal vitamins sitting right next to them. I know I'm supposed to continue taking them, for one to keep me healthy while recovering, but for two, to prepare my body for my next pregnancy. But swallowing that pill last night was like putting a knife to my uterus which has already been so badly beaten. When I woke up yesterday morning I was 18 weeks 1 day pregnant and now today I am not. How can this be? It's just so unfair. I try to think happy thoughts when I get to this place. I try to be positive. I try to think of my girls in heaven playing with all of the other innocent babies taken to soon from their mommies. But again, my selfish feelings take over. I wanted them here with me so badly. I feel like I was never even given a chance. I tried to appreciate those last few days with them. I tried to relish in the full belly I had. And even up until I layed on that table and they inserted that needle into my belly, I was proud to be their mommy. I still am. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone I was pregnant with conjoined twins. I'm proud. And to know they stuck it out long enough for us to find out they were girls and long enough for me to bond with them, I owe them. They have taught me a love that I never knew. An appreciation for life. A thankfulness for all that I have and some day I will hug them and hold them. And until that day they will be my little angel girls. I'm so thankful that they have each other. They will never be alone. And they will only be a heartbeat away in my heart. In the rain I will see them splashing in puddles. In the sun I will see them sparkling in the pool water. In the winter I will see them as frost on my windshield. And in the fall I will see them in the piles of leaves on the ground. July 23rd will forever be a sad day for me. But I do promise to keep them alive and in the heart of my family until the day we meet again. Thank you girls for teaching me the real meaning of love. There's a story my new friend Alicia has taught me and it goes something like this: Once there were two men who claimed to be the father of a boy. The two men got to fighting one day over that boy and God told them. Well if you both love him so much we'll just split him in half and each one of you can have half. And it is then that we learned who the true father was when one of the men spoke up and said if it means he will live you can give him to the other man for I will sacrifice for him to be happy. And from that I know that in order for my girls to be truely happy and painfree I must sacrifice them and leave myself with this endless pain in my heart. I will shed a million tears if it means that my girls with never shed one. I love you girls, have fun! xoxo

Our Heavenly Destiny

It's very weird to be starting to blog here again. When I looked back I noticed my very first post was from 8 dpo, 2 days before I saw those two beautiful lines of the pregnancy test so early in the morning. And I couldn't help but relate back to the feelings of hope and hopelessness I had in those days. They are very similar to the feelings I am experiencing now. Today I was given confirmation that you two are indeed inseperable. And not only the way twin sisters would be at heart emotionally but physically as well. You share a heart. The very same heart that we were so hoping to see on our 2nd ultrasound. The same heart we celebrated by taking your brother and sister to Build-A-Bear and buying the softest teddy bear in the store and stuffing it with a wonderfully beating heart and four red hearts each symbolizing the wishes we had for you. And now here I sit crying over that one heart. Only one heart!! I know there are various stages of grief but I feel as if I'm feeling them all that once. I am so sad. Sad doesn't even describe the pain in my heart and soul. I am angry. Why me? Why you? Why us? Why couldn't we have our time together? I feel guilty. Guilty over the choice we have made for you both, to terminate. It sounds so harsh. And yet those letters give no justice to the agony I felt today telling the doctors that our decision was just that, to terminate. I feel grateful for the few more days that I get to feel your four little feet kicking away. I smile when I feel you and yet I cry when I think these are some of the last movements I may feel. My heart is heavy. It hurts to breathe. I'm trying to be strong for your brother and sister. They do know about you girls and your sister is so sad to know she'll have to wait to meet her sisters until we all meet again in heaven. You were so wanted. And when the ultrasound tech showed us your two heads on the ultrasound my heart dropped. It dropped to the wonderful place where I had been hoping to have twins. And there it sat for a few minutes until that heavy bomb of heartache was dropped on us. The tears just won't stop flowing now. I can barely seen the screen to type. But I will hurt until the day I die if it saves you two from having to feel one second of pain. I love you girls, goodnight.

Music to our ears!!

So today I am 7 weeks 5 days pregnant. And it's exactly 1 week and 2 days since the first horrible ultrasound I had. Wen I was 6 weeks 3 days we decided to take a trip to Delaware County Memorial Hospital's ER. We arrived at 10:30am and were taken to the back where the nurse asked if I'd had blood drawn yet or if I'd had a ultrasound. Of course I hadn't. That was the reason I was there. They took me to my room and hooked me up to an IV for fluids. They said that as soon as I couldn't hold it in anymore I should buzz the nurses station. An hour passed and finally I knew I should buzz them. Next stop...radiology! What a terrible experience!!! The technician couldn't really tell us much. She said the doctors don't "like that". And continued with the scan. Burt said he saw a sac and then she put a question mark next to something in the sac. I finally got wheeled back down to the ER and anxiously awaited the ER doctor to come in a tell me what was going on. My blood work came back great!! My HCG was 48.423. Excellent numbers for 6 weeks. My research later showed that 56,000 was the high end of normal for the end of the 6th week and I was only in the middle of the 6th week. They told me the only thing the tech could find was a gestational sac. They sent me home telling me that maybe I was just earlier then I thought or something. All week I just couldn't shake this awful feeling that something was very wrong. On Monday May 4th I went in for another blood draw. Those results came back at 75,183. Again high numbers but it didn't double like I was hoping. The midwives were thrilled with that number but yet again I couldn't shake the negative feelings I was having. Maybe my mind was trying to make it easier for me to hear bad news. Maybe I just figured that if I thought it was going to be bad that any positive news would be that much greater. I dunno. I just couldn't shake this gut feeling. I prayed I was wrong and just waited. Fast forward to today May 11th, 2009. The day after Mother's Day. My ultrasound was scheduled for 10:15 this morning. I stopped by the midwives office to pick up my referral and off to the hospital we went. I went downstairs to radiology and checked in. The receptionist sent us back upstairs to register. After being called to the desk the woman proceeded to ask me what kind of insurance I had. I thought for sure they could just bill me but apparently I was wrong. $339 plus a $50 radiology fee. Outrageous!! By this time though we had waited anxiously for over a week and couldn't wait another day. So Burt drove all the way back home while I waited and he brought back our debit card. Chi-Ching!! Soon enough we were downstairs again being called back. Low and behold it was the same ultrasound tech we had seen that day in the ER. My heart sank. The only hope I held out all week was that just maybe the tech wasn't as experienced and that's why we couldn't see the baby. When I saw her I just gulped and walked down that hallway as if I was walking the green mile. First was an abdominal ultrasound and boy was my bladder full. Then she told me to empty my bladder and come back for an internal ultrasound. Burt met me in the hallway and said "I swear I see something in there!". I couldn't get my hopes up. I just had to wait. When she finally pulled the sac up Burt asked "Is that the sac?" She said "Yes." I said "Do you see anything in there?" She said "Yes." I said, "Is there a heartbeat?" She said "Yes." If it weren't for the good news I would've been so annoyed with her yes/no answers. A heartbeat. Just flickering away there on the screen. She measured the heartbeat at 156bpm. Perfect!! And she even let us listen to it. What a beautiful sound!! I almost started crying. My body just wouldn't relax though. I was still so tense. Burt was smiling from ear to ear and I know he felt better. Then Burt asked if she could print out a picture. She proceeded to give us some sob story about their picture machine being broken and that all she could do was print a picture from the computer. That was good enough for me. No one could take away my happy high at that point. No one.