31 weeks 2 days

It's been a busy weekend. Saturday we went to a BBQ at Shannon's house. The rain decided to hold out for us so everyone was happy. The kids ran around and played getting nice and dirty and nice and tired. The adults just hung out and ate until dark and then we sent the kids inside with a movie and the adults spent some time around the fire. It was nice to be an adult again and not just a mom. Sunday we got new brakes and rotors put on the van and boy did it need them! Then we went to Bobby's house for the twins baptism. However worried I was about being the outcast there it went pretty smoothly. I got to hold my first newborn since being pregnant and now I'm even more excited to meet Alexa. I could feel her kicking Justice (the newborn) as I was holding her. I must say I felt like a bit of a trader holding another baby while mine was kicking away in there. And that brings us to today: Lay Low Monday! I woke up this morning, turned off the alarm clock, and rolled back over. It's rainy and chilly. Just a nice day to sit around inside. I knew I'd have to scrounge something up for the kids to wear to school today. Oh yea and Abby never read her books she was supposed to read. Sooooooo, home from school they stayed. So far it hasn't been too bad. I actually got to sleep until 9:30. Score! But we'll see how the rest of the day goes. On the baby front... On Saturday I had a big baby scare. I hopped in the shower at about noon only to quickly realize that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. I pushed on my tummy a bit hoping to get a big swift kick from her to calm me down, but nothing happened. I raced through my shower in semi panic attack mode and quickly got dried off. I told Burt why I was spazing and he told me to hurry up and go lay down and see if I could feel her. I always feel her moving when I lay down. So I did. And I pushed on my tummy some more. I got one kick but then nothing. I was reassured for a minute until Burt yelled in "lay there and wait to feel more". Then I started having very horrible thoughts again. So I layed there waiting for more, but nothing came. I even made Burt bring me a glass of cold water and then I finally got a bit more movement. I was about 2 minutes from making a trip to L&D for monitoring. It was about an hour later when I guzzled down a nice cold glass of Sierra Mist and then I felt lots of movement. Movement all night actually. I couldn't have been more relieved. The closer I get to my due date the more worried I get. I just have this dark cloud feeling telling me that I can still loose her at anytime. maybe that's what I was supposed to learn from the loss of the twins. Was God trying to teach me to enjoy pregnancy and my children because at anytime they can be taken away? Well, I got the point God!!! I'm grateful!! Please don't take my babies! Assuming there will be another pregnancy, I sure hope it's not as stressful as this one.

Can't cry hard enough

It seems that as these weeks start to wind down this seems to be the theme song for my life. I think about the twins more and more everyday. I think about how much I wanted them. I think about how hard it was to say good-bye. To walk into that hospital that morning feeling like I was walking into death row. A piece of me and my dreams died that day. Some days I try to imagine my life if they hadn't been sick. I try to imagine what I'd be doing with them today. They'd be just about 4 months old now. Would they have been smiling? Would they have been babbling? The pain is sometimes as sharp as it was they day we got the diagnosis. And nobody knows it. I cry when no ones around. I look at their ultrasound pictures and cry some more. I listen to the music that reminds me of them and cry some more. Then comes the guilt. The guilt I feel when I think that if they were healthy and full term twins I would never have gotten pregnant with my sweet Alexa. How dare I wish they were here when it means she wouldn't be? How dare I cry when I'm pregnant and so many other women would die to have just been pregnant for 18 weeks with twins? I'm not ungrateful. I promise! I couldn't be happier to be 9 weeks away from meeting this miracle inside of me. I just wish I could've had all three. They are all my babies and I just want them here with me. Is that wrong? I wish I had someone to cry with. Someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. To tell me that it's okay to feel like this. But I don't so I sit and cry in silence. I love you Alexa. And I miss you Heaven Lee and Destiny. Hugs and kisses from Mommy!

I'm gonna live my life

like everydays' the last

without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast

and now that your gone I can't cry hard enough

I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

gonna open my eyes and see for the first time

I've let go of you like

a child letting go of his kite

there it goes up in the sky

there it goes beyond the clouds

for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now

gonna look back in vain and see you standing there

when all that remains is just an empty chair

and now that you're gone

I can't cry hard enough, I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

there it goes up in the sky

there it goes beyond the clouds

for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough

for you to hear me now

Where has my motivation went?

For awhile there I was doing good. House cleaned, laundry caught up, dishes done before Burt got home and dinner in the oven. A typical Suzie Homemaker. Well not today. it is now 4:49pm and probably minutes before Burt gets home because it's raining and nothing is done. In fact the house is messier now then it was when the kids left for school. Blah! I have moments where I want to get up and do something but they are fleeting. I get the urge and then poof, it's gone! I'd really like to get some more work done in the baby's room but again, no motivation!! Maybe if I can get Burt up here to work with me I might get something done. I wish he'd be a bit more interested. Lately it seems as if I'm bothering him with all this baby talk. It's nothing unusual. He's not always been the best about it. It's probably just hormones but I'm a little annoyed about how little people ask me about this pregnancy. I guess I'm so excited that I wish I could shout it from the rooftops, but no one seems to ask the questions that give me the chance to do so. Boooo! Believe it or not my sister Amanda seems to be the most interested. I talked with her yesterday on the phone and she asked a ton of questions. Feels nice to feel important. My mom on the other hand is more uninvolved then ever. I suppose it's because Matt will be home any day and they're getting ready to move out of state, but you would think she's be savoring her last few weeks here. Oh well. What can I do? I think I better go try to get something accomplished with my day. After I straighten up I think I'll start on a new to do list. A list of things that need to be done before baby gets here and I'll show it to Burt. Maybe he can help me find my mo-jo.

She's a kicker!

As I sit here typing this I can feel Alexa trying to kick her way out. I'm leaning up against the desk and I feel her pushing my belly away from it. She's got personality already! Earlier today I was reading a magazine and I had the magazine propped up on my belly and watched it start moving. I pulled it off my tummy and my whole tummy was moving. She's quite active in there and I love every minute of it. As much as I can't wait to see her beautiful face and to hold her in my arms I am loving every minute of her moving around inside of me. I know that someday I'll yearn for that feeling and I will never again take it for granted like I did when I was pregnant with Nathan. Today was my 30 week appointment. I met with Bernadette whom I haven't seen in awhile. I think the last time I saw her she was confirming this pregnancy for me and congratulating me. She seemed a bit rushed today though which made me feel a little unwanted I guess. Hormonal mostly but still felt rushed. I was running a bit late for the appointment so I was expecting my blood pressure to be a bit high, and it was. I don't remember the exact number but something like 140/84. The nurse sent me in for a urine check and then sent me back to the waiting room. After about a minute or worrying she came out and told me there was no protein in my urine and that all looked good. Soon she came back again and escorted me to Bernadette's room. Bern came in with a blood pressure cuff and I knew they wanted to retake it. We had minor chit chat. We talked about me needing to reschedule my colposcopy. I asked if there was anything I could do to help lower my blood pressure. Answer being no, not really. Then we chatted about my amniotic fluid level. I told her about the tech at the 3D ultrasound and how he was kinda aggravated by how low my fluid was and then how he corrected himself saying that there were pockets of fluid there just not where he needed them to be. Bern reassured me that that was fine and completely normal. Then she showed me the book about baby's growth for the week. She's in there growing like a weed. Then up on the table for a blood pressure recheck and to check Alexa's heart rate. Bern felt around a bit on my tummy and guessed that she was head down with her back towards my left side. She was right on. She put the doppler to my tummy and right away we heard her heartbeat. I must say I was impressed. We listened for a minute which had me worried because with Becca it's always a 1,2,3 kind of thing. But she assured me everything was fine and then she measured my uterus. Seems that it's running a bit big. I measured 34 or 35 weeks today when I'm only 30 weeks 2 days. I'm sure that's just the pudginess I got going on. Did I mention that I jumped up 5 pounds? Sure hope it's not indicating a big baby. We need her to fit into all of the adorable newborn clothes we've bought for her. Before I knew it the appointment was over and I was walking out. I stopped at K-Mart to hit up a good sale Cindy had told me about and left there with 2 new onesies and a white summer hat. Oh yea and popsicles for the kids and a bag of Mambos for me. Yes, definitely an impulse pregnancy buy! Then I headed over to BRU to pick up a few of the last things I need before we bring this little miss home with us. I got some Little Tummy's Gripe Water, Little Tummy's Gas Drops, and a bottle of Infant Tylenol. I'm feeling rather prepared. I think I've only got to pick up a few crib sheets and that's it. The rest can wait or I don't really need. Now I need to put a little bit of focus on finishing up her room so I can post some pictures. I think the fatigue is starting to kick in again because I'm finding it harder and harder to find the energy and motivation to get anything done. Let's hope I get a major nesting phase in real soon!!

Surprise!! Or not!

Okay so I know this post is going to be all over the place as my thoughts are too. First my most prominent thought is of the Heartbreaking Choice Website. I find myself going there more and more lately. In the beginning right after losing the girls I was on the site everyday. I didn't post everyday but I certainly read everyday. It felt good to know I was not alone in my pain. Then in the beginning of this pregnancy I went every so often just to feel not so alone in all of my fears. I worried about miscarriage. I worried about another bad diagnosis. Then I calmed down a bit after the Level 2 scan and stopped going. But more recently I've gone on feeling the urge to visit the actual Heartbreaking Choice posts. In one weird way it makes me realize how far I've come. I'm now 29 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. In another way it puts me back in those days of darkness and fear. And in yet another it makes me feel so vulnerable because anything can happen at any time. But yet I'm drawn back to it often. I do check in on the "Due in 2010" thread too but find myself more attracted to the Debbie Downer threads. Weird huh? Maybe my minds way of making sure I'm appreciating every minute of this pregnancy? I dunno.

In other news, Friday the 9th was my 2nd 3D ultrasound. We left at 3pm after picking the kids up from school early and headed out. We of course ran into major traffic on I95 and it ended up taking one hour and forty five minutes to get there when last time it only took an hour. But in the end we made it. We went in and were the only ones there. We were taken back right away and I had a feeling this appointment was going to be rush rush! I immediately laid down on the table. I was hoping she'd be awake. After all who wouldn't be awake after I ate a bag of hot fries, a half a bottle of wawa iced tea and a pack of chewy sprees. Delicious! The tasty snacks worked and she was awake a wiggling around. At first she had her hands up to her face again. But she wasn't totally nestled into the placenta. Yet! We got a couple of pictures of her with her mouth open, perhaps yawning, and even a good frontal face shot with a smile! But soon enough she turned a bit and was back with her best friend Mr. Placenta. The guy tried again to shake her into a better position but she would not cooperate. Looked like she was getting cozy and ready for a nap. The guy complained a couple of times about the amount of fluid in there. At first he complained that there just wasn't enough and then he complained that it just wasn't up where he needed it to be, by her face. He complained enough to make me worry. I guess that's not hard though. I'm definitely going to bring it up to the midwife on the 19th. We left there with maybe another 8 photos and headed back to Philly. Not entirely worth the almost two hour ride but it was nice to see our pumpkin again.

Finally, my last bit of rambling is about my baby shower on Saturday. My surprise or not so surprise baby shower on Saturday. I'm not sure its been mentioned here yet because I never know who will end up reading this at a later date but we'll just say that the shower was not a surprise, although everyone involved tried really hard for it to be a surprise. It was thrown by Burt, Cindy, Rose, and Linda. And they all worked so very hard. Just goes to show just how loved I am. The shower started at 3pm and was at Linda's house. I was "tricked" into going there for a BBQ Linda said she had planned. As Burt brought in the fruit salad we had made Linda came out to the van to meet with me. We started heading to the house and I spotted Syreeta. Looking like a deer in headlights I just said to her, "What are yooooou doing here?" We both just giggled and I headed in. At that point Linda knew the cat was out of the bag but everyone inside didn't. I walked in and was greeted by a very loud, "Surprise!!!!!" which of course was not a surprise at all. I simply followed that with, "Now maybe we should say surprise for Syreeta too because she's on her way in too." I think everyone got the point and erupted into laughter. It was funny. There were lots of folks there. A full house actually. Tons of food. And a huge cake. I must say again, they worked so hard. Everyone checked out the 3D pics from our ultrasound and we all just chit chatted. Soon Cindy started some games and more laughing followed. The first game was called "I broke my water". She had made ice cubes with little plastic babies frozen inside of them. The point of the game was to suck or chew your baby free and when it was free the first person to shout I broke my water was the winner. She had a bag full of prizes. Amanda won, but I must say her baby was premature because it was only partly frozen in the ice cube. The second game was a game about mommy. I had previously answered a list of questions about myself and everyone had to fill out the questionnaire. The first answer called out was the answer that was used and if the answer was wrong Daddy had to chew a piece of gum. There were definitely some good ones in there. Some that I knew nobody would know. The best one would've had to be what does mommy like best about daddy. I used the polite answer, his thoughtfulness, while lots of people put down that I loved his money. How materialistic!! Me? Materialistic? I don't think so! Lots more prizes were handed out. Then the third game was a Price is Right about baby things. Abby was our product model and she held up the baby things as everyone wrote down how much they thought it was. In the end I ended up with a bag full of baby goodies for Miss Alexa. Then the fourth and final game was to name a baby product for every letter of the alphabet. The papers were then passed around and graded. The person with the most amount correct won. I couldn't tell you who actually won as there was so much commotion at this point, but it was the most fun baby shower I've ever been to. Then it was cake and present time. I opened presents as people ate their cake. Lots of clothes and a few things from my registry. Oh yea, and a couple of IOU's. Cindy is buying the swing. God bless her heart. And Linda said she just never had the time to go buy something but that she will. Soon it was over and the clean up began. Daddy was so good about helping out. He washed dishes and pots and pans until his hands were wrinkly. What a good guy and how loved we are baby Alexa!? Ta Ta for now! My hands are tired and my mind is wandering.

Another appointment under my belt

Today was the first of my every two week appointments. I'm 28 weeks and 4 days. And am officially (well have been for a few days now) into my 3rd trimester. Appointment went well. Nothing dramatic which is good for an OB appointment. Had my weight taken. Up 3 pounds, I think. Mostly water and pee weight though I am sure. I've been drinking water like crazy to get ready for this u/s and I had to pee like a racehorse. But either way 3 pounds is not bad. My blood pressure I believe was 124/78. And then off to see Becca. Right away I showed her the 3D pictures. She liked them but wasn't as excited as I would've liked. But she has said in the past that she doesn't like them and thinks all the babies look like aliens. I mentioned the letter I got from my insurance company telling me that the midwives will no longer accept Keystone Mercy and she said don't worry about it because I am already a patient there. That was a relief. And then we got to here the pumpkin's heartbeat. Miss Alexa even let loose a couple of kicks while we were listening. Overall the appointment seemed quick and boring. Now that I feel her kicking away the appointments give me less and less comfort. Oh yea and I asked about my glucose test and she said I came in right under the cutoff. The cutoff is 135 and I was 131. Pheeeew! And she really liked my iron levels. I'm such a good OB patient. Now I'm off to drink some more water. It seems that i drank more when I wasn't being forced to do it. Fingers crossed that we get some more really good pictures on Friday. And please baby Alexa move away from that placenta!

Owwwie!!

No, not pain from being pregnant but pain from stupidity. Burt left his weights right in the middle of the living room floor and I tripped and scraped and bruised the top of my foot. All day I've been in flip flops and kept it pretty stabilized and now that they're off I am hurting!! More importantly though I'm excited to say that we definitely have a little girl coming. All along I've had a gut feeling telling me that this little one is going to come out with some surprise boy parts. I've loved shopping for little girl things but have had a nagging feeling telling me to keep all the tags on and to keep all the receipts. Well, at our 4D ultrasound yesterday it was confirmed. She is a she! We saw the three white lines and the tech confirmed what i had already known, that there is no mistakes when you see those three white lines. So yay for pink! The ultrasound was amazing. How cool it was to see her little face. When we started the u/s she had her hands and arms up and blocking her face. Her one hand was covering her ear. We got a really cool shot of her hand wide open. The tech was a bit frustrated with her position though. The fact that she had cuddled herself right up next to my placenta didn't help me either. She literally had her face straight into it. Quite the cuddler we have on our hands. After a few minutes of trying to shake her into another position the tech had me drink a berry juice box and try walking around a bit. On the next try she had moved her hands away from her face but was still nestled into the placenta. We got quite a few cute profile pics and one or two frontal pictures of her face and then she moved her hands back up. Little one likes her privacy. We took another break and he told me to try to make her uncomfortable so she'd move. I tried bending over a bunch of times to squish her a bit. I was even desperate enough to think about doing some sit ups. One last attempt yielded the same results and we were given the two minute warning and he asked if there was anything else we'd like to take a look at. I took full advantage of this time and made him triple check her gender. Alexa looked beautiful and it made me all the more excited to see her. I was happy with the shots we got but it seemed as if the tech wasn't. He had his wife offer for us to come back in one week to try for a few better shots. I was thrilled. One more look at my baby and it's free?! Love it! So next Friday we have another appointment scheduled at 4:45pm. I'm anxious to see if she's moved into another position although my gut tells me she's quite comfortable where she's at. I'm determined to drink a ton of water and just hope for the best.