Could we just forget about it?

Today was my appointment with the midwives. They have me calculated at 19 weeks 2 days, but I figure I'm 18 weeks 6 days. Sounds good though, I gained 3 days! On to other more exciting things, NOT! My blood pressure was up a bit at 118/88. My weight was up by 5 pounds. And we had a bit of a hard time finding and hearing the baby's heartbeat. At first Becca found what I thought was it, but then she told us it was only the blood through the umbilical cord. Then she found it (so she says) and it seemed quiet and we only heard it for a total of 2 seconds before baby moved away. She was satisfied with that but I was not. We insisted she try again and she found it again but only for another second. I know it's there. There's definitely a beating heart I was just hoping baby would want to calm mommy down for a bit and let me listen to it. We talked some more about my down syndrome risk. She didn't seem as reassured that everything was fine but I think that's only because she was relating to me. She knows how nerve wracking this is for me. Again she offered to let me come in as often as I need. We finished up with instructions to call and make an appointment for the colposcopy and then...the big kicker...she started to announce my weight with Burt in the room. Wahhhh!! Why would she think that was okay?! I'm still a bit mad at her for that. So, off to sulk. Well, I shouldn't say that. I'm happy our baby is doing good. Active! But good.

So bored and tired of WAITING!!

I am so bored. I think it's a combination of anxiety, boredom, and excitedness really. I don't look forward to doing anything but going to that ultrasound on the 1st. Part of me has never been so excited and yet at the same time I'm scared out of my mind. What if I go there and they find something wrong with the baby? I'm petrified of when I start to ask the u/s tech questions and she just answers me with, "You'll have to wait to talk to the doctor!" Those words run through me and put shivers down my spine. Or worse even yet I visualize us being escorted into that small little office to talk with Dr. Weiners and he has "bad news". I just don't know how I'd handle it. I suppose I would just do it, I mean just handle it but I don't wannnnnaaaaaa! I so badly just want a healthy baby and a wonderful ultrasound. One were the tech points out all the baby's parts and organs and one were we get a nice shot of it's bottom and ultimately one were they say, "It's a girl!" I know, bad mommy!! Bad bad mommy! I shouldn't be hoping one way or another but girls are just so fun to shop for. I worry that all my negativity will just bring negative energy our way and something bay will happen but I can't help it. The diagnosis ultrasound of the girls has scarred me. I don't know if I can ever being truly happy and pregnant at the same time ever again. The days are passing slowly, but there passing I guess. Only 10 more sleeps to go and I'll be there. I have such great plans for that birthday if everything goes well. I already told Burt not to make any plans for after the ultrasound because we'll be too busy shopping. I plan on leaving the hospital and heading straight to the Carters outlet store and then to Babies R Us. I've been waiting so long for the day when they tell me what gender my baby is and waiting so long to buy something NOT gender neutral that I know I'll go completely overboard on the clothes shopping. I've been daydreaming about this day since we scheduled the appointment and probably even before. I guess today I could start planning out what things I want to buy from BRU that day. I'm hoping to have at least $600 to play with. I definitely want to order the bedding that day from an online store I found and I'll probably buy some cute receiving blankets and matching crib sheets and stuff that day at BRU. The wheels are turning now. I think I just gave myself something more to daydream about today. Oh yea and I almost forgot to mention. I am definitely feeling the baby move for sure. It was 17 weeks exactly when I was sitting, well more like lounging back on the couch, watching a movie with Burt when I felt a distinct punch or kick in there. And ever since it seems that our little pumpkin has been adamant about letting me know he or she is still in there. It's so reassuring to feel. And I even told Burt last night that I'm not as worried about the heartbeat check next Friday now since I have my own little bit of reassurance. Well, that's all from now. I'm sure I'll be updating daily with the countdown. It seems I always make time to post when I'm bored and anxiously waiting. Ta Ta for now!

The first big purchase is...

Today I am 17 weeks and 3 days. Taking it one day at a time although I am quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just waiting for the bad news. I just feel like this really can't be happening to me. Not bad luck Jessie. She couldn't possibly be having a baby in June. Well anyways, worries aside, today we made our first pricey purchase for this new little one. I had a 20% off coupon for Babies R Us and figured we shouldn't let it go to waste. 20% doesn't sound like much when we're talking a twenty dollar purchase but when you start to consider a two hundred dollar purchase that rings in big bucks! Chi-ching! I had been eyeing up a crib and changing table that were part of a fantastic deal. Buy the crib and get the changing table free. After tearing apart the crib and reassembling it I decided that I didn't like the way the bumpers tied on or the way the bumper slouched over in the crib. Just wasn't the "Oh I love it!" that I was looking for. I have now decided to stick with the original crib that I had picked out. But I definitely couldn't pass up the wonderful deal I got on the changing table. Between the 20% off coupon and my friend Lauren's 10% employee discount, we saved $48 and only paid $152. Wow! Wee! I'm so excited to move, paint the baby's room and get it decorated. Why does time seem to be moving so slowly? Only 13 more sleeps to go until we get to see our beautiful healthy baby again. A little positive thinking for ya, eh?! Please God we all just want a healthy baby. Today when the conversation came up again about what sex everyone wanted the baby to be, Burt said a boy (you know how men are), my mom said a girl, and Abby originally said a girl too. But shortly thereafter she took it back and said, "I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy." From your lips to God's ears baby girl.

Back to gagging

The two bedding choices. Aren't they just so cute? And everyone agreed on them: Mommy, Daddy, Abby, and Nathan. That's a surprise in and of itself!!

I thought I was past this. As of the past four days my gag reflex seems to be in full swing again. It started off as an upset stomach after a lunch of spaghetti O's and a dinner of homemade cheeseteaks and has continued through my bowl of cereal this morning. Yuck! Reminds me of those first few weeks when nausea was a constant positive reassurance that everything was fine. Now I just want to feel the unpregnant feeling of the 2nd trimester. Maybe it's stress related or heartburn for that matter. I've now stopped drinking Turkey Hill Iced Tea thinking that might have had something to do with it. Only 19 more days to go until the big u/s. I'm still a nervous wreck. I just have this overwhelming sense of "we can't be this lucky". I'm just convinced something HAS to be wrong. But in reality everything so far has been great. I go back and forth between thinking that God wouldn't do this to us twice and thinking that I'm just not meant to have anymore healthy babies this one must be sick. Then other times I'm totally engrossed in finding out the sex that I don't even think about it. I've been trying to occupy myself with online browsing for baby stuff but how long can one be on the internet? Have definitely made some decisions though and I am happy to present the two bedding choices. I thought about buying them both and then returning the one we didn't need but I think I can wait a couple more weeks. My tummy is starting to get harder by the day. And I'm still questioning whether or not I'm feeling any movement. I've been this pregnant three times before you think I'd know what movement felt like?! Things are going great on the home front. Nathan has his first conference coming up on the 27th and I'm happy because I just know Mrs. Citerone will be full of positive things to say about him. And Abby is happily sailing along in first grade. Things with the Daddy to be again are smooth sailing as well. We work good as a team when his head is in the game. For now we're just both looking for ways to occupy ourself for the next 19 days. I can't believe we're in the teens in our countdown now. Not that it has flown by but I'm reminded of just how close it actually is now. My pregnancy brain has apparently set in now. I just went to type something and couldn't think of the right word. Okay now I have it, my appetite (that was the word) is now in full swing. I'm feeling super hungry all the time. Eat baby eat! Grow~ Grow~ Grow~

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Another bout of waiting. Like I've said before, having a baby is so full of waiting. I've got 24 more sleeps to go until we can know for sure that we have a healthy baby. Oh yea and only 24 more sleeps to go until we know pink or blue!! I am so anxious right now. First and most importantly I want to know this baby is healthy. I want to be sue he/she doesn't have downs and that they are growing right on schedule. I got my readjusted risk for downs back the other day. My risk has slightly decreased to 1:265. The nurse tried to reassure me with things that I had already heard. I myself thought of it in better terms and it seems to ease my mind a bit. I think I graduated in 2000 with a class of approximately 240 girls. My risk of having a baby with down syndrome is as if I was the one girl out of all of them girls to have a baby born with it. I remember the class picture we had taken and my face was just a speck in the crowd. If my chances are so slim I should try to stop worrying. I just know too much now to ever stop worrying. Knowledge is power, but for me it is also fear. I haven't decided what I think this little one is yet. I keep having dreams about dressing a little girl and playing with a little girl, but is that only my subconscious telling me just how fun it would be to have a little girl? My logical brain tells me that it must be a boy. My last pregnancy was 2 girls so this for sure has to be a boy right?! Either way I just want to walk out of that ultrasound being able to celebrate my pregnancy. For the first time in months I may be able to breathe a little easier. For now I'm still analyzing whether or not I'm feeling the baby kicking. I thought I felt it a week or so ago but today I was a bit more sure. I can't wait until the day comes when I really just know. Today Nathan asked me if the baby could hear him talking. I explained to him that the baby could not hear him talking just yet but that as soon as he or she could they were welcome to talk to my belly as much as they'd like. I explained that the more often the baby hears their voice while it's in my tummy, the more likely the baby will recognize them when it comes out. Very exciting to think about. I'm so excited to share this pregnancy with them. I can't wait until they can feel it's kicks. I can't wait to let them shine flashlight on my belly and try to wake the baby. They already know so much about pregnancy. It's quite funny actually. They're trying so hard to wrap their little minds around it all. I love being a mommy. My computer has been acting up a bit. I think Matt is going to reinstall windows on it to get it back up to par. I can't wait. Now is when I need this computer most to help me pass the time. What else can I occupy myself with for 24 days? I'm considering taking up crochetting. I'm pretty sure Mattie can teach me. I should give her a call. Now I'm off to take a shower. I have to go into Nathan's class today to check in the learning totes. Fun! Fun! I' hoping the weekend passes quickly. Tomorrow we're supposed to be going to the zoo for a kind of behind the scenes tour but it seems the temperature has other plans for us. The high tomorrow is only forcasted to be 29 degrees. Burr!! To cold for outdoors. And then Sunday we have a party to go to at our all time favorite place...Oasis. Well, off to the shower for me!!