Am I sad to see it go?

14 weeks 5 days

Today's the last day of 2009. After a bit of soul searching I was trying to figure out if I was sad to see it go. After all it is the only year I got to spend with the girls but it was also a year of much heartache and pain. But even if I'm not at a place in my healing that I can say it was the best year of my life, I hope to one day be there at that place. However, I am now pregnant and that has proven to be one of the best things that has happened this year. And as far as we know and hope this pumpkin is nice and healthy. I'm finally beginning to look forward to actually having a baby in my arms in June or July. This might actually happen. Today I am 14 weeks and 5 days. From everything I'm reading the baby is about 4 inches and 2 ounces. I'm daydreaming almost all day about the day of my ultrasound. I imagine my reaction both ways, boy and girl. And either way I'm excited. I'm excited and ready to hear some good news. I'm antsy to go shopping for some boy or girl clothes. This is going to be one fantastic birthday! It seems like so far away but yet at least in reaching distance. I can see the light at the end of the waiting tunnel. I'm also getting pretty excited to really feel the baby move. Yesterday (Dec 30th) I thought I might have felt some flutters when I was sitting on the couch. Flutters are so hard to describe but only to say it felt a bit like breaking gas bubbles. Eww! I know. But I'm really hoping it was baby. Now I only have to wait for that one "Yep, that was definitely baby" movement. For now it's still a guess. Keep growing strong in there pumpkin. Mommy and Daddy are getting excited to see you again. We love you!!

Made it to a step we never passed last time

Today was my 14 week midwives appointment. The excitement was overseen by a dark gloomy cloud that seemed to have me worried about the appointment. It was at my 16 week appointment with the girls that I brought Abby and Nathan to try and hear the heartbeat. I was so sure we'd hear it that I felt no fear about bringing them. Needless to say we didn't hear it and that's when we were sent for the disasterous ultrasound. So today I was a bit worried. Burt and the kids all came with me. I have to say it was a tight squeeze in that room but so worth it. It started out with a weight gain of negative one. YAY! I've felt so hungry lately that I thought for sure I had gained a few. Then onto my blood pressure which I believe was 120/82. Much better then last time. Then into the room for a chat with Amy. We talked about my trisomy 18 and down syndrome risks for this baby. Rewind a bit to last week when I got my results back from the blood work taken at my sequential screening. Both tests came back in the normal range, but I just had to know the ratios. My trisomy 18 risk ratio was 1:10,000. My down syndrome ratio came back at 1:255. I've been stressed about the downs risks and my meeting with Amy has put my mind at ease a bit. At first I stressed out because she said my downs test came back positive.What she meant was that for my age my ratio should be 1:600 or so and since mine came back a bit higher then that my test is considered positive. However the perinatologist who did the tesing says it was normal. Who to believe, I don't know. But Amy said something quite reassuring. She said that my chances for having a downs baby are only like one quarter of a percent. In all actuality my chances of having a baby with some other defect are probably higher. I'm just not a big fan of statistics and ratios after the last pregnancy and every statistic scares the crap out of me! So after calming me down a bit we chatted about my colposcopy. I've decided to at least meet with Dr. Troy to be checked out. Then finally was the moment I had so anxiously been waiting for. We kicked the kids off of the examination table and I hopped up. It was time to check for a heartbeat. After maybe a minute or two tops, she found it. Nice and low and beating away. I have to say it was a tense minute or two waiting to hear it but I was so relieved when we did. From this point on when I get really worried about the baby I know I can always have a heartbeat check done. Oh, what a beautiful sound!

Tick tock tick tock

As my due date for the twins approaches I find myself revisiting the heartbreaking choices website more often. I try really hard to only visit the "pregnant after AHC" message boards but something inside of me drives me to the main board. Some women there are fresh out from their terminations and some women just visit to give support. I find myself reading the stories from women who just terminated and trying to measure myself against them. I like to feel as if I've made some progress in this recovery but as my due date approaches I feel like I am again falling apart. Nobody sees it. Nobody knows about it. Just me, my girls, and I guess my new little one. I am so happy to be pregnant and yet I can't help but feeling like I should be 9 months pregnant now and less then 4 days from my due date. I should have a baby room full of pink things and two of every little pink outfit lined up in the closet. Gosh, for twins I may have already delivered and could've been sitting by the computer typing an introduction to them. But instead I sit here counting down the days until I get to know for sure that everything is okay with the new pumpkin. How do I balance both pregnancies? How do I be happy to be pregnant again and yet mourn the fact that I might still be pregnant with the girls? I keep reading on the site that after my due date passes that some sort of peace might come over me. I'm doubtful but hopeful. I'm still unsure what I want to do on their due date. When I first lost them I was sure I was going to release 18 balloons, one for each week they were with us, but now that seems so silly. I think that people might think I was weird. But I also know that my due date has lost significance after I got to thinking that either way, whether they were healthy and I was going to deliver twins or if I continued to carry them as sick as they were, I probably would've delivered before my due date. Most twin pregnancies deliver before their due date usually via c-section and even in the girls' case my pregnancy was so high risk that they probably would've been delivered a few weeks early via c-section. To me their angel day seems much more significant a day to remember. Perhaps I should really try hard to finish their scrapbook by their due date. Being so tired all of the time with this pregnancy has left me with little energy to do anything that wasn't completely necessary. If only it weren't a week before Christmas I might actually get it done. Who knows. I'm going to try really hard. Good night girls. Mommy still loves you and misses you with every inch of my being.

So much is going on

It's December and the Christmas holiday is in full swing. I'm pretty much done all my shopping and we have our tree up and decorated. For thinking that this month would be really hard for me I'm handling it surprisingly well. I have however been thinking about the girls a lot. I know that I would never have given birth to them on their due date because of the circumstances but I can't help thinking that they'd be here by now. I guess part of my mixed emotions regaurding this month is the fact that I am pregnant again already and trying to focus on the new life I have growing inside of me. I've been reluctant to pos lately because it's been an especially rough time for Burt and I. Our relationship was on shake grounds for a couple of weeks and I wasn't seeing any recovery in the near distant future. That has since changed and I feel like we are definitely in an upswing and doing better. The kids are enjoying th countdown to Christmas. We are spending lots of time watching Christmas movies and just getting in the spirit. They of course still do not know I am prenant with the newest little pumpkin and I'm excited to tell them on Christmas day. The other day at the dentist office Nathan saw a little baby boy todding around the office waiting room. Nathan was all smiles and eventually turned to me and said, "Mommy I wish Santa could bring me a baby for Christmas." My heart just melted. I wanted so badly to tell him right then and there, but I was still patiently waiting for the sequential screening to tellme how the baby was doing. But today that day has come and I had my ultrasound this morning at 10am. Burt and I were both a nervous wreck. We both kept repeating ,"This could either be a really great day or a really terrible day." And now looking back it was a FABULOUS day! On the walk to the ultrasound room Burt asked if we could videotape the ultrasound and sadly we were denied. I thought it would've been cool to show the kids the video when we told them the good news. Oh well, we tried right? So into the room we go and now I'm far enough along that an abdominal ultrasound let us see the baby just fine. She put the gel on my tummy and she starting looking around. I could barely see the screen and mentioned something to her about possibly letting me take a look after she was all done with her measurements. A small checklistgoes through my mind everytime I have an ultrasound. It starts with, is there a heartbeat? Yes there was. Second is, what is the heart rate? 158bpm. Third is, does the baby measure on at 12 weeks 2 days? Yes, baby exceeded that and measured 12 weeks 4 days. Great! After good news like that I can usually relax but this ultrasound was looking for more. The sequential screening is a combination of an ultrasound to measure the thickness of the back of the baby's neck and to check for a nasal bone. Then there is a blood test imediately following. The tech did all her measurements and Burt asked, does the measurement on the neck look good. All she said was, you'll have to talk to the doctor. Those dreaded words. I know by now that techs are not allowed to giveout much information, but c'mon! My mind immediately started racing with bad thoughts. Soon after that she handed me a towel and told us that she'd be right back. We'd heard that before and bad news soon followed. Maybe it's because we continuously keep getting put back in the "bad news" ultrasound room but I'm a complete nervous Nelly when I'm in that room. As soon as she left the room Burt and I starting rambling about how this couldn't be good. We both had that nagging feeling that something wasn't right. The wait seemed endless and I probably could've thrown up had I tried. I tried to remain positive and said maybe she just has to show the radiologist the pictures she took to make sure they wereclear enough. I was searching for anything to ease my mind. Then I saw another tech reaching for the doorknob to our room but she only touched it and turnd to go into the next room. Then the original tech came back in the room and I think he could see the stress and heartache in my eyes because she said something about calming down that everything was fine. That was all it took and the tears started rolling. She assured me again that baby was fine. I said, you btter not be lying and with that the other tech came in. The first tech just explained that the second tech was licensed in doing a specific part of the test that she was not licensed to do. I was relieved and felt good. So again with the ultraound goo and there was our baby on the screen again. I mentioned again to the new tech that I couldn't see much of the screen and asked her if she could turn the screen a bit when she was done and let me have a look. She said sure and went about meauring. I could see her typing something on the screen and leaned up a bit to see what it was. In the corner read NT 0.82mm. I knew that was good but asked just for some reassurance. She said anything under 2 is great. Then Burt mentioned something about how the baby was bouncing all over the place. I was excited to see and I think the tech knew it. She turned the screen a bit and just steadily held the transducer to my tummy. Our little pumpkin was bouncing all over. The grape soda I drank right before the ultrasound did the trick and baby was very active. It kept arching it's back and bouncing up off of my uterus. So cute. So busy! Then we watched it's arms and legs moving all over the place. Looked just like a miniature baby. No more blob for us! She zoomed in and got a few really cool profile pictures. In one we can see the nose and lips so clearly. I am totally in love. My heart was melting with every picture she printed. We were on cloud 9 as we left the room ad headed back to talk with Dr. Weiners. He of corse was quick and to the point. I no sooner sat down then I was shaking his hand and thanking him. He said baby measures great and everything looks normal. We scheduled our anatomy scan for February1st, my birthday and left to get my blood drawn. The nurse was great and explained everything about how the sequential screening works My blood is now on it's way to New Mexico and within two weeks I should get a call giving me a 1 in whatever ratio but everyone expects there to be no problems. We headed home after that but not before Burt got caught tring to kiss and hug on me in the elevator. Pretty funny. I couldn't help but feeling like I needed a trip to Babies R Us.