Choking down the pain

So it's a few past past Heavenly & Destiny's angel day. And the pain is still real and raw. I've been doing a really good job at keeping it locked away somewhere. But I know it's burning a hole in my heart. My baby girls are gone and all I can do is try to mend my broken heart. All I can do is put a smile on my face and hope that I can fool my heart into thinking I might be happy. My Abby girl and Nah Nah boy keep me going. I try to hold the tears in so they don't think I'm falling apart. But they do however know that I'm really struggling. I talked with Maxi the counselor from the Midwives office and it felt great to be recognized and validated for the pain I'm feeling. She knows how bad this hurts. And she knows I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm trying to let my pain out slowly and talking to her helped with that. She's going to send me a small memorial bx to hold my ultrasound pictures in and she also suggested that I call to see if I can get more printed from the perinatologists office. It just breaks my heart that the u/s tech only printed a few crappy ones of one of the twins. Didn't she know there were two?! Why would I only want pictures of one?! At the time I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I was already a crying fool, but that hurt. And it hurt bad. As if she didn't know I was loosing two babies!!!! I'm trying to surround myself in things that make me think of them. No matter how hard it is sometimes. I sleep with their Build-A-Bear every night. And I've promised myself I'm going to buy another one. A twin! And I try my best to look at that beautiful ultrasound picture I have of them together at least once a day. But that seems to be the hardest thing yet. To think that only a few days ago those beautiful images came from my belly. And now if we were to look inside there'd just be an empty womb. Naked and bare. Missing it's babies. Empty seems to be the theme to this disaster. An empty heart. An empty tummy. And empty arms. December is going to be so hard. xoxo I love you girls. Blow mommy kisses from heaven I'm waiting to catch them.

Until we meet again girls...

So today is one day post D&E, and I thought I was doing okay. But apparently my heart has a clever way of making my face think it's happy. The tears didn't start until this morning after visiting the "Termination for medical reasons" board at BabyCenter. And now they're here with a vengence and I just can't stop. I started to tear up last night while laying in bed with Burt, but I didn't want him to know I was crying for fear of having to talk about it. I just wanted to cry in peace and have no one ask any questions. I miss my girls. I miss them already with every piece of my being. My heart is aching and my womb is now empty. For the last two weeks I've had with them I've been rubbing my tummy and telling each one of them good night. But last night as my hand reached down to rub them it really hit me hard. I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a better mommy for it, but I can't convince my heart of that. Before going to bed last night I took my allergy medicine and couldn't help but see the bottle of prenatal vitamins sitting right next to them. I know I'm supposed to continue taking them, for one to keep me healthy while recovering, but for two, to prepare my body for my next pregnancy. But swallowing that pill last night was like putting a knife to my uterus which has already been so badly beaten. When I woke up yesterday morning I was 18 weeks 1 day pregnant and now today I am not. How can this be? It's just so unfair. I try to think happy thoughts when I get to this place. I try to be positive. I try to think of my girls in heaven playing with all of the other innocent babies taken to soon from their mommies. But again, my selfish feelings take over. I wanted them here with me so badly. I feel like I was never even given a chance. I tried to appreciate those last few days with them. I tried to relish in the full belly I had. And even up until I layed on that table and they inserted that needle into my belly, I was proud to be their mommy. I still am. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone I was pregnant with conjoined twins. I'm proud. And to know they stuck it out long enough for us to find out they were girls and long enough for me to bond with them, I owe them. They have taught me a love that I never knew. An appreciation for life. A thankfulness for all that I have and some day I will hug them and hold them. And until that day they will be my little angel girls. I'm so thankful that they have each other. They will never be alone. And they will only be a heartbeat away in my heart. In the rain I will see them splashing in puddles. In the sun I will see them sparkling in the pool water. In the winter I will see them as frost on my windshield. And in the fall I will see them in the piles of leaves on the ground. July 23rd will forever be a sad day for me. But I do promise to keep them alive and in the heart of my family until the day we meet again. Thank you girls for teaching me the real meaning of love. There's a story my new friend Alicia has taught me and it goes something like this: Once there were two men who claimed to be the father of a boy. The two men got to fighting one day over that boy and God told them. Well if you both love him so much we'll just split him in half and each one of you can have half. And it is then that we learned who the true father was when one of the men spoke up and said if it means he will live you can give him to the other man for I will sacrifice for him to be happy. And from that I know that in order for my girls to be truely happy and painfree I must sacrifice them and leave myself with this endless pain in my heart. I will shed a million tears if it means that my girls with never shed one. I love you girls, have fun! xoxo

Our Heavenly Destiny

It's very weird to be starting to blog here again. When I looked back I noticed my very first post was from 8 dpo, 2 days before I saw those two beautiful lines of the pregnancy test so early in the morning. And I couldn't help but relate back to the feelings of hope and hopelessness I had in those days. They are very similar to the feelings I am experiencing now. Today I was given confirmation that you two are indeed inseperable. And not only the way twin sisters would be at heart emotionally but physically as well. You share a heart. The very same heart that we were so hoping to see on our 2nd ultrasound. The same heart we celebrated by taking your brother and sister to Build-A-Bear and buying the softest teddy bear in the store and stuffing it with a wonderfully beating heart and four red hearts each symbolizing the wishes we had for you. And now here I sit crying over that one heart. Only one heart!! I know there are various stages of grief but I feel as if I'm feeling them all that once. I am so sad. Sad doesn't even describe the pain in my heart and soul. I am angry. Why me? Why you? Why us? Why couldn't we have our time together? I feel guilty. Guilty over the choice we have made for you both, to terminate. It sounds so harsh. And yet those letters give no justice to the agony I felt today telling the doctors that our decision was just that, to terminate. I feel grateful for the few more days that I get to feel your four little feet kicking away. I smile when I feel you and yet I cry when I think these are some of the last movements I may feel. My heart is heavy. It hurts to breathe. I'm trying to be strong for your brother and sister. They do know about you girls and your sister is so sad to know she'll have to wait to meet her sisters until we all meet again in heaven. You were so wanted. And when the ultrasound tech showed us your two heads on the ultrasound my heart dropped. It dropped to the wonderful place where I had been hoping to have twins. And there it sat for a few minutes until that heavy bomb of heartache was dropped on us. The tears just won't stop flowing now. I can barely seen the screen to type. But I will hurt until the day I die if it saves you two from having to feel one second of pain. I love you girls, goodnight.