The elite few turned into the everybody but two!

So my idea was originally to keep this pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks. It was very hard on me to have to tell everyone about the miscarriage. I felt like such a failure even though I knew it wasn't my fault. The plan was to tell one person so I could talk their ear off about it and then wait. So Burt was obviously the first to know. Then I made an announcement to my clomid ivillage girls. But the second RLF to know was Shannon. She was happy and we talked about it for awhile. But that talking never seemed to quench my "I wanna scream it from the rooftops" feeling. The next to know was my friend and neighbor Linda. I showed her the test and her first response was "Why is it so faint?". Not exactly what I wanted to hear but at least she knew I was pregnant. Then my brother. And his story is my favorite. Since finding out I was pregnant Burt and I had been referring to the baby as Jelly Bean. Being two days before Easter I guess we had Easter on the brain. So as I was getting ready for bed in the bedroom he yelled to me from the living room, "Why don't we spill the beans to Frankie?!" I of course smiled at how clever and witty he was. Frankie of couse was dying to know what we were laughing about. I just spurted out "We won the lottery!". Again, somewhat true. And he says "I'm gonna need to see proof of that!" It couldn't have been more perfect. I took the proof (my hpt) out of my pocket and just walked up and handed it to him. When he saw both lines he knew it. He said, "You're pregnant?" Burt and I both nodded and yelled yep!!!! And of course congratulations followed. After finally deciding to spill the beans to all of my family on Easter. Burt came up with a nice way to tell my nana. So when she walked in at my Aunt's house, I just handed her the test and said "Happy Easter". She looked down at the digital and screamed. We hugged and all that mushy gushy stuff. Word soon spread like wildfire and my aunt was asking everyone if they had heard "Jessie's good news". It was nice to hear all the congrats and well wishes.

And the elite few are as follows and in order:
Burt, Ivillage, Shannon, Lida, Frankie, Nana, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Henry, Abby & Nathan, Shawn & Liz, Chris & Ryan, Aunt Carol/Aunt Cindy/Nicky (all at the same time thanks to nana).

A BFP at 10dpo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it has definitely been a long three days. And before my pregnancy brain sinks in better type up my thoughts here. It started on Saturday (10dpo). I woke up to my alarm at 6:46 as usual and took my temp. It seemed to be back up to where it was on 7dpo so I decided to use one of my ic hpts and test. I get up, DH was asleep on the couch, and POAS. I come back in the room, praying that I'll see something, anything. So I turn on the light and wait, staring at the area where the test line would come up. After about 6 or 7 minutes I pick up the test and bend it back and forth letting the light hit it in different angles. At that point I swore I saw the faintest of faintest of faint lines, right next to a little indent on the test. My hope began to appear. This cycle I had just felt like this was it. By this point, DH, who had fallen asleep on the couch that night, had already come in the room and questioned me as to why I had the light on. I didn't want to tell him and be embarrassed if it was negative and I was just imagining lines. So I told him I just couldn't fall back asleep (partly true).So I get up and use the same FMU and take a $ store test. Sure enough five minutes later I see a definite faint line appearing. I bring it in the bathroom where DH was and say "Now this is really really early. I am only 10dpo ovulation, and most don't get a positive until 14dpo, but... and handed him the test. Then I asked him, do you see two lines. With his eyes half open he looks and says "Yep. There's two lines!". Still too tired I think to be really excited. I swear I couldn't stop staring at that test for what seemed like hours. I put it in the medicine cabinet and would go back like every 10 minutes to be sure it was still there. My miscarriage brain thought wouldn't and still doesn't let me enjoy this pregnancy 100%. Later that day I went to Walmart and bought a 3 pack of FRER. And after holding in my pee for 5 hours, I took one. There it was a much darker, but still faint bfp!!! At this point DH was much more excited. He kissed me and said Congrats! This time I put the test in my pocket and would check on it periodically just to feel happy again. If I started to worry I'd pull it out and stare at it. Over one hurdle.

On to 11dpo I wake up at 3:30 am to pee pee and go back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 6:46am again and I wake up to temp. My temperature is still up. Good sign! So I take my second frer. I'm waiting and waiting. And the line doesn't seem to be getting as dark as the first days. I of course am beginning to sweat bullets. I try to think of all the possible reasons it might not be as dark and remember about my 3:30 am potty break. Which means my FMU was really SMU with only holding it for 3 hours. I tried to reassure myself but it was hard. I told myself that no matter what I wouldn't pee until 12pm which would be another 5 hours from when I went last. We proceeded with our Easter morning and even went out to breakfast. I only drank a half a cup of soda so that I wouldn't "water" it down more. By noon I was ready to go!! I couldn't hold it anymore. I used my last FRER and sure enough the line was darker. I raced to ff to check on FRER test series and my line was much darker then any in the series. My heart was mending. I really wanted to make myself feel better since I would be at my aunt's house all day so I took my one and only digital. 3 minutes later I saw the most beautiful words...PREGNANT. I couldn't contain myself. I showed Burt who in a period of 2 days had now looked at 6 hpts. Psycho I know! I of course took tons of pictures until I got a clear one or two or three. Then we headed out to my aunt's to enjoy my pregnancy.

And finally that brings us to today. I must've been exhausted last night because I didn't even have to wake up to go pee pee. I slept straight through and woke up to my temp time. My temp went down .03 degrees. Still well within my 'don't worry' temps. I realized at this point that holding in my FMU to do a pregnancy test at the midwives office was out of the question. If I didn't go right then I was going to explode. So instead I planned my day around when 5 hours of holding in my urine would be an decided to go to the midwives then. Fast forward to 10:30 I call the office and the secretary tells me they're only doing testing until 11:30 am. I of course hopped in the shower, got the kids dressed, and hauled a** there. I get there with five minutes to spare, give my sample and wait. The wait was so weird. Nothing like my first wait there when I was preggo with Abby. I was much more relaxed this time and confident. When the midwife called me into the room I could see she was holding the test in her hand. She asks "Have you tested at home?" I say yes, thinking to myself "At least 8 times!". So she throws away the test and says "Well, you're pregnant". I got my pregnancy confirmation letter and was on my way. This all feels so weird. I'm worried sick but trying to be optimistic. I feel really good about this. And so far I've made it past my miscarriage milestone #1 (the night I noticed spotting) which was the second night I knew I was pregnant. As the days pass and my symptoms tick with me, I feel happier. I never thought I'd be thrilled to have sore bb's. Sick really!!

HPT COUNT
3 First Response Early Results
3 dollar store
2 Internet cheapies
1 digital
1 doctor's hpt

For a grand total of 10 at the end of the day on 12 dpo.

8dpo and waiting...and waiting..and waiting...

So this is my 2nd cycle of clomid and "timed intercourse". Ha! Timed intercourse?! Like I haven't been trying to time it before?! The charting, the OPK's, the bding every other day. I don't know how much more timed it can get. So I O'd on cd 18 this time around. Yay ovaries!! And now I'm counting down the days until testing begins. I become quite obsessed in the 2ww. Every twinge or gas bubble gives me hope. I suppose it's my favorite time in the TTC journey because at least for a few days I can pretend that I might be pregnant. I can treat myself as if I could be. I've seen a few very early bfp's on cd 9 so I guess I can start testing tomorrow. Although the bfn's are very hard to swallow even when I know it is so early. Sometimes I force myself to get up and pee like every two hours so that if I have the urge to POAS I have to wait until the next time my bladder's full. So instead of having to have will power all day I only have to have it long enough to empty my bladder. Sounds like a plan huh? I figured I'd start this blog as a sort of ttc journal that could remind me of this rough road when I'm big and preggo. Wishful thinking. But I also thought it would be good to print out and keep with my soon to be baby's baby book. Again wishful thinking. I feel mostly positive about this cycle. I don't know if it's because we timed everything pretty good this cycle or just because I'm running out of time for this medicine to work and by process of elimination it just must've worked. I'm starting to toy around with the idea that this may not happen any time soon. I still haven't lost all hope yet but I do think that IVF would never be an option for us and that it just HAS to happen the natural way. When my mind starts to wander into negative territory I switch back to thinking "Hey I've had two kids already. My body knows what to do.". And I've tried all that hoo hah about "In God's time", but it only makes me wonder why God would make me wait for something he knows I want so badly. It's even to the point now that my kids are asking for a baby brother or sister. We thought this would be so easy. And after getting pregnant on our 2nd cycle of trying, we thought "we have this in the bag!". Only to have it all end miserably 7 days later in miscarriage. My EDD has come and gone and I think of that little bean often. As a matter of fact there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what my life would've been like with him/her in it. I wanted to do something on April 1st in remembrance of my bean but I thought people would think I was silly. In fact when I mentioned to DH that my due date was approaching he never even blinked an eye. It's almost as if he's just over it. So sad really. Here I sit crying sometimes over that little baby and he's just moved on? Maybe it's just too painful for him to think about. Who knows?! But as the days roll on I hope I'm getting that much closer to holding a baby in my arms.