And the million dollar question is...why do I feel like I'm on a game show all the time?!

Today marks the 26th day without my babies. And I still feel empty. I've been doing rather well lately. It just seems I only think to write when I'm having a hard time at it. The tears are freely flowing now. I have just visited a very special site. It's called "To write their names in the sand". The woman who keeps up with the site is an incredibly beautiful person. She dedicates the little bit of free time she has to writing names of lost babies in the sand at sunset on an Australian beach. The pictures are amazing. She really has an eye for beauty! But I just sat and read through her entire blog. She is now pregnant again. I think that she has such insightful things to say and I feel put to shame as a mother in comparison to her. She looks at her children through this eye that sees nothing but the wonderful people they are. I suppose I'm catching her at a good time when she's writing and not smack dab in the middle of a tantrum or something, but the way she puts her emotions into words I love. My mission this week is to look at my children for the wonderful, innocent, teachers that they are. I've been laughing this week about my son Nathan. He seems to be at his peak for asking questions. Everything is a question, and I must admit however bothersome it is to answer 1 million two hundred and forty four questions a day I love his love for learning. It's this little spark of innocence I hear in his voice when it raises up to ask me a question. With that question mark I hear hope that everything is going to be alright.

I could've, should've, would've belonged.

So today I was wandering into IVillage and snooping around. I really don't belong to any of the boards there anymore. I once belonged on the TTC after miscarriage board. Then I graduated to the TTC board. Then I conceived the girls and graduated to the Dec 2009 EC and the Pregnant with Multiples board. Although I belonged to the Dec 09 board much longer then the Pregnant with Multiples board I still felt a very strong connection to the multiples board. After all I belonged to that very small percentage of people pregnant with twins or more. I felt like I belonged. And today I tortured myself by revisiting all of those boards. I cry every time I visit the EC. It's so hard to see all those siggy's showing how far along I would've been. I would've been 20 weeks and 2 days today. My babies have been in heaven now for 2 weeks. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I've been doing well with the crying. I've learned to choke back the tears. And sometimes I really have to because once they start it's hard to stop. Every night before I go to bed I give the girls' build-a-bears a tight squeeze and kiss then goodnight. I whisper into the heavens "Good night girls, mommy loves you!" And I blow each one of them a kiss. It's funny because if I only blow one kiss I feel as if I'm cheating one of them. That only makes me sadder because I would give anything to have gotten the chance to struggle with the guilt of having twins and trying to treat them exactly the same. I hope that someday soon God will bless me again and give me the chance I deserve at having twins. I feel as though I've been ripped off. We've all been ripped off.